Week 564: Redefine Print
Flabbergasted: Appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Carcinoma: A valley in California known for its heavy smog.
Bustard: A very rude Metrobus driver.
This week's contest is a simple, no-twists repetition of a classic Invitational from 1998: Redefine any word from the dictionary, as in the examples above (by Michelle Feeley, Tom Witte and Christopher Hapner, respectively), which were among the 50 losing entries printed. No, we won't run those results again, but if you are so pathetically unlucky as to coincidentally submit the same definition that someone else got ink with six years ago -- of all the possible words in the dictionary and all the possible funny redefinitions of those words -- well, you've turned to the right page, Loser.
First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins a paint-by-number set of either the Mona Lisa or Julia Roberts; we're not quite sure. The Empress can only hope that the Loser who wins this fine prize donates it back to us -- finished and signed, of course -- so that she can palm it off again.
Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week.
Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. Deadline is Tuesday, July 6. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published July 25. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo.
Report from Week 560, in which we asked for suggestions to cut corners on the impending and still beleaguered Olympic Games in Athens.
Bronze Medal for The Entry That Half of You Sent In: Replace the Olympic Flame with a Zippo lighter/tiki torch/flashlight with construction paper. Silver Medal for The Entry That the Other Half of You Sent In: Award winners the pyrite medal. And the Gold Medal for The Entry That Every Single Person Sent In: Have all the athletes compete as they did at the original Olympics: in the nude.
Third runner-up: Require athletes to share their performance-enhancing drugs with the construction workers.
(Milo Sauer, Fairfax)
Second runner-up: Save on security costs: Ban foreigners.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
First runner-up, winner of "The Breast Book": Instead of releasing the doves in the Opening Ceremonies, have the badminton players whack some shuttlecocks into the air.
(Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.)
And the winner of the Inker: Replace the Opening Ceremonies with the Closing Ceremonies.
(Marc Leibert, New York)
Honorable Mentions:
Instead of using expensive electronic devices, have someone from the stands come down and say, "One-Mississippi, Two-Mississippi . . ."
(Brian Feldman, Chantilly)
Play all the national anthems nonstop. Everyone will have to stand up all the time -- no need for seats.
(Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.)
Cancel the quarry contract, and have the masons use those stones lying around the Parthenon.
(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)
Appoint the Oracle at Delphi chief judge for all events, obviating the need for actually holding them.
(George Smith, Frederick)
Have the relay racers simply throw the batons from one to another instead of wasting all that time running it around the track.
(Dean N. Alterman, Portland, Ore.)
No need to introduce every last little country in the Opening Ceremonies: Just group them as "Coalition" and "Evildoers."
(Milo Sauer)
Make "Return to Ruin" the official Olympic theme, and shun contemporary "finished" construction in favor of a retro, roofless, wall-less, sanitationless decor.
(Josh Tucker, Kensington)
Present kazoos to the winning athletes so they can play their own national anthems.
(Stephen Litterst, Ithaca, N.Y.)
Not only should the athletes be naked, everyone should be naked. They'd save a bundle on security wands, though it would put a dent in the sales of those little pins.
(Bruce Schuckman, Annandale)
Do it like the NBC coverage, and hold just the events that the Americans have a shot in.
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
Restrict women's gymnastics to women -- that is, females who have actually entered puberty. Then flip a coin between the two remaining contestants and you're through.
(Thad Humphries, Warrenton)
After a lengthy Socratic debate on the real importance of the fifth ring, sophists win the vote and the Olympic committee accepts Audi's donation of 1,000 flags.
(Nicolas Clutterbuck, Buenos Aires)
Instead of obtaining a recording of each country's national anthem, just play "We Are the World" at every medal ceremony.
(Jon Reiser, Hilton, N.Y.)
Reduce the number of paid Olympics officials so it's only twice the number of athletes.
(Chris Doyle)
Run all the track events on treadmills. Not only would they free up field space, but they could be hooked to generators to light up the soccer stadium.
(David W. Kleeman, Chicago)
Bribes to contractors will have a 5 percent courtesy fee deducted.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Cut TV costs and raise ratings hugely by replacing those cloying "up close and personal" features with Three Stooges shorts.
(Steve Fahey, Kensington)
In off hours, use the Olympic pool as a wishing well.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Lower taxes. (G.W.B., Washington)
(Daniel Mauer, Silver Spring; Jack Cackler, Falls Church)
Save space and ensure record times in the 100-, 200- and 400-meter dashes by holding them on the archery field.
(Andrea Palmiter, Redmond, Wash.)
Replace photo finishes with quickly sketched finishes.
(Art Grinath)
Instead of the pole vault mats and bar, just have contestants pair off on the runway in jousts. It won't save time, but it would be wicked awesome to watch.
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
Daily stadium giveaways: Friday, hard hats; Saturday, chamber pots; Sunday, first 2,000 fans get self-adhesive linoleum squares (available in Locker Room 5).
(Jean Sorensen, Herndon)
Hang a "Mission Accomplished" sign three months ago.
(Jonathan Obee, Washington)
URGENT. CONFIDENTIAL. I can provide access to a dormant account in the
Nigerian National Bank that holds sixty million US dollars which will help you fund your construction . . . (Dr. William Ngama, Lagos)
(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)
Third-place finishers now win bronze refrigerator magnets.
(Joseph Romm, Washington)