Week 558: Set Us Right


What is the difference between JFK (1960) and JFK (2004)?

John F. Kennedy had no problem with charisma, and a bad spine. John F. Kerry has a bad problem with charisma, and no spine.

Over the years, The Invitational has been accused of awarding prizes (such as they are) to political humor that tends to veer maybe a wee bit to the left. So, to compensate for any perceived liberal bias, The Empress decided this week to print only right-leaning anagrams in the results below. Nah, not really; that would have been wrong. In fact, it would have been impossible -- because there weren't any right-leaning ones to choose from: The spectrum of the political anagrams submitted ranged from Gentle Tweaking of the Administration to Raving Leftist Screed.

This week's contest, suggested by Mark Cackler of Falls Church: See if you can give us some Fair and Balance -- send us conservative-leaning humor in any of the following genres:

(1) Knock-knock jokes; (2) limericks; (3) "how can you tell" riddles; (4) "what's the difference" riddles; (5) four-line rhyming poems.

Jokes about Bill Clinton's sex life do not qualify; they transcend ideological barriers. And needless to say, joke plagiarists will be abused and humiliated.

First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins an autographed copy of "The Hype About Hydrogen" by Joseph Romm, a longtime Loser who donated his new book as a prize in a desperate attempt to see it mentioned in The Washington Post. (Joe is perhaps more famous for having also donated as a prize, in 1995, his underpants.)

Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week.

Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. Deadline is Monday, May 24. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or you risk being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published June 13. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Scott Campisi of Wake Village, Tex.

Report from Week 554, in which we asked you to create an anagram for any text about a person or event recently in the news.
Many (but not all) of the winning entrants used the suggested Anagram Artist software -- as did many of the losing entrants. As we found out right away, that program will count letters for you, and even suggest words, but it's still really hard to write a good anagram on it.

Once again, the people at www.anagrammy.com invite you to enter your Invitational entry -- winning or not (and other anagrams) -- in their monthly contest. And you even get to vote for the winners.

Third runner-up: From: Ads for men are trying to sell Viagra, Levitra, Cialis.

Anagrammed to: I find vitals are larger, also staying more vertical. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax)

Second runner-up: Paris Hilton = Hi! (Loins part.) (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

First runner-up, the winner of John O'Byrne's book "In Other Words: A Book of Irish and American Anagrams": Bob Dylan, age sixty-two, appears in a Victoria's Secret commercial, singing while Adriana Lima slinks around in her undies. = Ridiculous ad attacks women, i.e., insists sex appeal is a rich, incoherent old man and a servile bra-baring girl. Oy, I'm yawning. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

And the winner of the Inker:

I, George Walker Bush, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States and will, to the best of my ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States. = We, Karl Rove and G.W. Bush, do solemnly swear that we'll faithfully disinfect this here tainted office of President and, to the best of our ability, update the effete Constitution to help us to get elected next time. Yes, sir. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Honorable Mentions:

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and his deputy, Paul Wolfowitz = Oddly, they puff weed. More puffs. "So, let's nail Switzerland and Ecuador!" (Chris Doyle)

Soon-to-be-former president George Walker Bush = Master of errors & pure gobbledegook in the news (Richard Grantham, North Melbourne, Australia)

The United States Department of Homeland Security = Taut, tense men fondled my chest at the airport. I sued. (Chris Doyle)

The Donald's hair = He's hid an old rat. (Chris Doyle)

Should the Iraq war be continued? = Hear a blended chorus: "Quit it now!" (Larry Brash, The Junction, Australia)

The singer Clay Aiken of "American Idol" = "Fact: I like girls. I do!! Can anyone hear me?" (Meyran Kraus, Rehovot, Israel)

Islamic extremist Moussaoui learns to fly. = CIA to Rummy: "Listen, relax! Most U.S. oil is safe." (Chris Doyle)

The American Association of Retired Persons = Fact: I am seniors, diapers, coronaries, no teeth. (Chris Doyle)

Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton's . . . = . . . another actor for oil energy interests. (Toby Gottfried, Santa Ana, Calif.)

The Cherry Blossom Festival and Parade = Do a frosty schlep amid vernal trees? Bah! (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Richard Clarke: "The CIA, FBI, NSA, DoD, and I failed you." = Dick Cheney: "Torrid liar! A fib! CANADA failed us. D'oh!" (Chris Doyle)

Earth Day: April twenty-second. = Hardy planet? We CAN destroy it! (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)

Wardrobe malfunction = Alarm crowd, but no fine. (Alison Kamat, Reston)

One nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. = Or one Bible nation, riddled with injustice for all uninvited gays? (Chris Doyle)

Louvre: Famed Mona Lisa painting is deteriorating. = Item: Sad evaporating smile infuriating Leonardo. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

In Baltimore, the Orioles team kicked off their new season; their Opening Day pitcher was Sidney Ponson. = With beefy ace pitcher, inane errors and weak hitting, I see no trips to Disneyland soon, folks. Oh me, I mope. (Brendan Beary)

Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ" = See the mobs, lashings! (I notch profits.) (Chris Doyle)

Mrs. Maria Teresa Thierstein Simoes-Ferreira Heinz Kerry = Zany heiress misfit marries me, Senator. Take her! I err! I err! (Chris Doyle)

Michael "Mikey" Jackson shouldn't dangle babies out of any windows. = "I did unduly fling own babe." Loathsomeness, thy name is Wacko Jacko. (Scott Slaughter, Mount Airy)

Jaetagut leindagut,

D. Bravman, Potomac,
Scribbles a lyric
With lexical styles.

Double-dactylical
Anagrammatical
Poetry's vexing
With just Scrabble tiles. (Danny Bravman, Potomac)

See lots of CD reviews in Sunday Source, the New Section M of The Washington Post, featuring Carolyn Hax's advice column. = O, what aura of conceit, of smugness! Target conflicted sex-starved ninnies who unconsciously move lips when they read. (Brendan Beary)

Style Invitational Loser: = I soil vilely 'n' eat rat snot. (Mark Hagenau, Derry, N.H.)