Week 555: A Tsk, A Task
"A grey mare trots up to the stream and drinks. Caballero pricks up his ears and looks at her, but she doesn't notice him . . ."
ERROR: Do not post content containing profanity, sexual terms, or other inappropriate content (including religion, politics, cheats, hacks, and password scams) on Neopets!
The Empress's own Little Princess had submitted the above contribution, verbatim, to her favorite Web site, in a sort of group-story-writing activity, when she was mystified to be both rejected and yelled at -- and for what, she couldn't imagine.
Of course, you can.
This week's contest: Come up with a super-wholesome passage of 25 words or fewer that would likely be banned by the admirable, ever-vigilant Neopets.com site. You don't actually have to send it to Neopets.
First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins a Feb. 25, 1972, copy of Life magazine, featuring "Liz Taylor Is 40" on the cover; at the time, she was married to Richard Burton, who is quoted giving his wife's weight at "around 128." Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted- after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week.
Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. Snail-mail entries are not accepted. Deadline is Monday, May 3. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or you risk being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published May 23. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified.
The revised title for next week's contest is by Tom Witte of Montgomery Village.
Report from Week 551, in which we asked you to feed some English text into the Google translating tool, have it translate it into any of its five foreign languages, then feed the result back in and translate it into English.
Our conclusion: Linguists, you won't soon be replaced by a machine.
{diam}Fourth runner-up: The Mamas and the Papas
(From Portuguese) The Breasts and the Popes (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
{diam}Third runner-up: I never yet met a man that I didn't like.
(From Spanish) I never satisfied a man yet with which I did not have pleasure.
(Jeff Martin, Gaithersburg)
{diam}Second runner-up: The U.S. government is composed of three branches: the executive, the legislative and the judicial.
(From French) The government of the United States is composed of three branches: the director, the legislature and the legal one. (Shawn Freeman, Vestavia Hills, Ala.)
{diam}First runner-up, the winner of a "Today Show" baseball cap autographed by Katie Couric: Google translates text with no errors.
(From Portuguese) Google translates the text with nenhuns errors. (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.)
{diam}And the winner of the Inker: I am the worst president elected ever.
(From French) I am the worst president never elected. (Kevin N. Mettinger, Warrenton)
{diam}Honorable Mentions:
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
(French) Do you swear not to say the truth, all the truth and anything but the truth? (Ron Prishivalko, Reston)
Don't mess with Texas.
(Spanish) It does not soil with Roofing tiles. (Rose Abril, Reston)
Some men are born great.
(Portuguese) Some men are great loaded. (Diane Tomasky, Frederick; Jeff Martin)
Monica was a woman of loose morals.
(Portuguese) Monica was a flabby moral woman. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)
Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid.
(German) You are fat and powerful forces come to your aid. (Beverly L. Mangold, Rockville)
I did not have sexual relations with that woman.
(Spanish) It did not have sexual relations with that woman. (Ben Llewellyn, Rockville; Vincent Danton, Bowie; Shawn Freeman)
I'll be working my way back to you, babe, with a burning love inside.
(Portuguese) I will be working my back part to it in the way, dribble, with a burning hot love for inside. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)
In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it . . .
(Spanish) In his I castrate of Passover, with all the steering wheels on him . . .
(Larry Carnahan, Arlington)
(German) The milk chocolate melts in your opening, not in your hands. (Beth Ciha, Silver Spring)
At Ford, quality is Job One.
(German) At Fords quality is job of one.
(Andrew Dutton, Egg Harbor Township, N.J.)
The true mystery of the world is the visible, not the invisible.
(Spanish) The true mystery of the world is the visible one, not the hair net.
(Michelle Bowen-Ziecheck, Chicago)
A good man is hard to find.
(German) A good man is to be found hard. (Jeremy Eble, Silver Spring)
Herbert wanted to leave bachelorhood with a bang by throwing a stag party.
(French) Herbert wanted to leave the celibacy with a blow by throwing part of male. (Marjorie Bunday, Washington)
We will never surrender the fight!
(French) We will never return the combat! (Jonathan Obee, Washington)
Hey, Jude, don't make it bad.
(German) Hey, do not form Jew, it bad. (Jeff Martin)
After an hour of exercise, you will feel stronger.
(French) After one hour of exercise, you will smell yourselves more extremely. (Pat Lark, Arlington)
Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him.
(German) Alas, bad Yorick, I could do him. (Jim Pearson, Alexandria)
Picking out the man's outfit is woman's job.
(French) The selection of the equipment of the man is the work of a woman. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax)
(From Portuguese) You deserve a rupture today. (Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.; Allen Breon, Rockville; Chris Doyle)
The well-coached Washington politician showered pork gravy on his constituents.
(French) The politician well-given of the particular lessons of Washington poured sauce with the juice of pig on his components. (Milo Sauer)
I keep my food fresh with preservatives.
(French) I preserve my fresh food with condoms. (Rebecca Shoaf, Minneapolis)
If nominated, I will not run. If elected, I will not serve.
(French) If named, I did not run. So elected, I will not be useful. (John Junker, Manassas; Chris Doyle)
Batter, batter, batter, batter, batter, batter, swing!
(French) Smooth paste, smooth paste, smooth paste, smooth paste, smooth paste, smooth paste, oscillation!
(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)
Bitch set me up.
(Portuguese) The dog adjusted to me above. (Allen Breon, Clarksville; Julius Sanks, Ashburn)
Does a computer know how to tell a poop joke?
(German) Can a computer explain one poopwitz? (Brendan Beary)
I miss the Czar.
(French) I am bored of the Czar.
(Dan Steinberg, Falls Church)