Week 549: Show Us Your Best Quantities
The acher: the amount of driveway shoveled before you realize you're not going to be able to move any of your limbs tomorrow.
The milli-helen: the amount of beauty needed to launch one ship.
The wynette: a measurement of willingness to "stand by your man" even when he shouldn't be stood anywhere. 10 wynettes = 1 hillary
This week's contest was suggested by inveterate contest-suggester Russell Beland of Springfield: Come up with novel units of measure, and explain or quantify them. A preemptive note: Don't bother sending in screaming mini-screeds like "25 Hitlers = 1 My Boss."
First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins Gotta Go!, a nuisance-shooing device that makes your phone click as if there were a call waiting for you on call-waiting. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. Snail-mail entries are not accepted. Deadline is Monday, March 22. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or you risk being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published April 11. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Phyllis Reinhard of East Fallowfield, Pa.
Also: As The Empress browsed the archives last week during The Invitational's 11th-birthday festivities, she realized that a number of the parenthetical names that used to grace this column have disappeared in recent years. What's the matter, you grow up or something? We are under new management here, you know. If you haven't had ink in the past two years, but won at least a few bumper stickers before that, make a note of it on your entry in this week's contest. Best of these wins a fabulous talking and singing toy toilet donated by (zzzzz) Russell Beland of Springfield, with eyes that pop up out of the tank and make googly motions. (We mean the toilet has these; Russell's eyes stay in the tank where they belong.)
Report from Week 545, in which we asked you to spell a word backward and redefine it, somehow relating the definition to the original word.
As predicted, this contest drew thousands of entries, many of which canceled each other out: lots of eeknay and seeknay and notsob, aybud and noxin and Lotipac and notrubillah and innumerable others. You know that brilliant, perfect word you thought of? Three dozen other people sent that one, too. Sorreee.
{diam}Fourth runner-up:
Onisac: a dark, often smoke-filled chamber in which elderly homo sapiens deposit their nest eggs before dying.
(Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.)
{diam}Third runner-up:
Suoixon: A sickening attempt to give your baby a unique name; pronounced "Susan." (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring)
{diam}Second runner-up:
YMRA: A place where you can fight with the boys, you can have a meal ready to eat, you can do anything you're told. Just don't tell us you're gay.
(Mike Connaghan, Alexandria)
{diam}First runner-up, the winner of the model of the human ear:
Nword: Something that gets you in really deep trouble. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
{diam}And the winner of the Inker:
Skrod: Fish that are always swimming upstream. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)
{diam}A dictionary of Honorable Mentions:
ATOYOT: A mysterious brand of car visible only from your rearview mirror.
(Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.; Russell Beland)
Citoruen: A car marketed to the overanxious.
(Richard Grantham, Melbourne, Australia)
Dopi: The dwarf who walked around with wires hanging out of his ears.
(Lennie Magida, Potomac)
DTs: Another unfortunate side effect of careless drinking. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax)
eFink: An online writer known for ad hominem attacks.
(Michael Cisneros, Centreville)
Elppin: A shy little creature that becomes visible only when cold.
(Tom Witte)
Evol: Evil cleverly disguised.
(Seth Brown, North Adams, Mass.)
Frawd: Deception by a man who claims to be Prince Charming but turns out to be dumpy, sleazy and gropey.
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
Godpal: How your Yorkie sees you.
(Dave Zarrow, Herndon)
Imaim: A city that prides itself on its sense of danger and edginess.
(Brendan Beary)
Ippississim: Taking a leak in the river.
(Stephen Dudzik, Olney)
Knud: The sound of an NBA player's head hitting the backboard.
(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)
K104: A radio station with half the power it had four years ago.
(Dave Komornik, Danville, Va.)
Low-a: President Bush's National Guard grade. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax)
Mixam: A blended proverb, like "You can lead a gift horse to water, but you can't look him in the mouth."
(Chris Doyle)
Nagev: A desert where all animals can survive. (Tom Witte)
Naive: Paying for what you can get for free from your tap.
(Dawne Holz, Ashburn)
Nari-qari: Political suicide resulting from an attempt to enact Mideast policy. (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls)
Notnow: Food you'll want maybe in an hour when you're hungry again.
(Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)
Nug nuts: A doofus who sits on his own Taser. (Chris Doyle)
Ottelits: The depressions made in carpet by high heels. (Richard Grantham)
Palrub: Something to do in the sack with a friend. (Jane Auerbach)
Partyboob: A flirtatious woman whose embrace carries hidden danger (e.g., the CEO's trophy wife). (Jeff Brechlin)
Ragluv: A crude question a Cockney man asks a woman who disagrees with him. (Roy Ashley, Washington)
Regoob: What your nose does after you pick it. (Steve Church, Charlottesville)
Resol: Someone who pays a cobbler $10 to get new bottoms on a pair of flip-flops that sells for $5.99 at Wal-Mart. (Roy Ashley)
Rev. o'BMOC: What happens to the campus playboy when middle age settles on him. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
Rewolfyam: To take a second helping of sweet potatoes at Thanksgiving.
(Tom Witte)
Saib: A make of car that is pulled over frequently for no apparent reason.
(Tom Witte)
Sexrex: The Persian porno king.
(Chris Doyle)
Sillyrama: What the shoe box scene of tropical flora you made when you were 9 looks like to you when you're 10.
(Nancy Israel, Bethesda)
Sinnet: The Anna Kournikova Web ring.
(Peter J. Konowicz, Valrico, Fla.)
Sllop: Pundits' election predictions.
(Michelle Bowen-Ziecheck, Chicago)
Sniksder: A candy bar reintroduced every fall amid great fanfare about its new formulation, but which always leaves the same bad taste in your mouth. (Stephen Stockum, Washington)
Spoort: A game in which politicians play with soldiers' lives to win elections.
(Joe Cackler, Falls Church)
Timov: The name of this year's world vodka-drinking champion. (Tom Witte)
Top Lop: The notorious Cambodian beheader. (Chris Doyle)
Trilf: A would-nymph. (Tom Witte)
Yenom: The deadliest poison of all.
(Tom Witte)
Yessydo: The long, strange journey called marriage. (Tom Witte)
Yssis: The ancient Egyptian god of interior design. (Tom Witte)