Week 541: Celled Up the River
This week's contest: In the Heights of Modern Rudeness department, it's hard to top that guy in the checkout line or at the post office who insists on yakking on his cell phone while conducting a transaction with the person in front of him. Wouldn't it be great if that person really paid for it? Elden Carnahan of Laurel suggests that you give us a delicious scenario, like the one below, in which the yakker's yakking could be taken profitably out of context.
Sommelier: "Would monsieur care to try the 1976 Schleswig-Verrazano? It is only $450 the bottle."
Yakker, speaking to his foreman about dumpsters at a construction site:
"Yeah, get me 10 of 'em -- and dammit, make sure they're empty."
First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins a seemingly perfectly serious souvenir shot glass with the coat of arms of the "U.S. Navel Academy, Annapolis."
Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after new Style Invitational Magnets pictured below. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are not accepted. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 26. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or you risk being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland of Springfield.
Report from Week 537, in which we asked you to write irresponsibly sensationalistic headlines for actual Washington Post stories:
Third runner-up: KNIFE-WIELDING MAN ON WEST BANK GOES AFTER TOURISTS!
Real headline: "Struggle of Family Nativity Carving Business Reflects Bethlehem's Woes" (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)
Second runner-up: ANOTHER D.C. MAYOR SEEN LIGHTING UP!
"At a ceremony last night, D.C. Mayor Anthony A. Williams switched on the newly restored, historic street lights" (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)
First runner-up, the winner of the remote-control fart machine:
MALVO WON'T DIE LIKE A MAN!
Lee Boyd Malvo gets a life sentence; his youth is cited as a factor.
(Kevin Mellema, Falls Church)
And the winner of the Inker:
WASHINGTON INFERNO TERROR LINKED TO FRANCE!
"French Fry Fire Damages Kitchen" (Milo Sauer, Fairfax)
Honorable Mentions:
J. LOPEZ'S IMPRESSIVE BOOTY FLASHED IN BALTO!
"The Baltimore Orioles agreed to terms Sunday night with catcher Javy Lopez on a three-year contract believed to be worth $23 million" (Heather Abelson, New York; Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)
MICHAEL JACKSON UNABLE EVEN TO DRESS SELF, EXPERT ATTESTS!
Fashion columnist Robin Givhan laments Jackson's courtroom attire.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
DEATH TOLL HITS 152 AT AREA PARKS!
Howard County sponsored a deer hunt.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
LADY JUDGE IN THREE-WAY WITH D.A., LAWYER!
"Judge Faces Three-Way Contest in St. Mary's" (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)
FAVRE RETURNS FROM DEAD, THROWS 4 TD PASSES!
Packers quarterback Brett Favre played the Monday after his father died.
(Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls)
WOMANIZING EX-PREZ FOUND GUILTY IN LAND DEAL!
"Jefferson Convicted in Mock Trial on La. Purchase" (Danny Bravman, Potomac)
SENATE LEADER ADMITS INVOLVEMENT IN MONKEY BUSINESS!
Sen. Bill Frist, a physician, tells of performing surgery on an orangutan at the National Zoo. (Robin D. Grove, Chevy Chase)
TIPSY VIRGIN EMPLOYEE PINCHED IN BUST!
"Pilot Pulled From Dulles Flight Faces Charges Over Drinking" (Milo Sauer, Fairfax)
PROMISING 'A PARTY,' ADULTS LURE YOUNG CHILDREN FROM HOMES!
Kids were given free-admission buttons to the First Night Annapolis festival. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis)
BUSH TO ALIENS: COME ON DOWN!
"Immigration Reform on Bush Agenda"
(Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)
JETS INTERCEPTED NEAR NYC FIVE TIMES THIS WEEK!
New England 21, New York 17
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
COUPLE CHARGED $76 FOR FOOD AT McDONALD'S RESTAURANT!
Story on Wall Street bonuses quoted Lever House restaurant owner John McDonald. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
GOVERNOR LINKED TO DRUG TRADE!
Illinois' Rod Blagojevich is seeking federal permission to import pharmaceuticals from Canada. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.)
VOYEURS FLOCK TO RED-LIGHT DISTRICT PEEP SHOW!
Three landers are scheduled to visit Mars. (Bob Dalton, Arlington)
ED BRADLEY TO GET IN BED WITH JACKO FOR "SPECIAL" EVENING!
"CBS Gets Interview, Jackson Gets Special" (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls; Beth Benson, Lanham)
PENTAGON: U.S. TROOPS SHOULD BE SHOT!
"General Defends Anthrax Shots for Troops" (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)
WEALTHY MAN TREATED LIKE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT!
The Orioles' $22.5 million contract with Javy Lopez is contingent on his passing a physical. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.)
ZOMBIES FOUND IN BALTIMORE HOSPITAL!
Johns Hopkins has cut back on medical residents' 90-hour workweeks.
(Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)
CAPTIVES UNDER TORTURE BEG FOR LIFE!
"Tormented Jurors Argued, Cried and Wavered" before agreeing on a life sentence for Malvo. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
60 KILOTONS OVER PYONGYANG!
"U.S. Sending 60,000 Tons of Food to N. Korea" (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
EAGER TO SCORE, VA. TECH MEN DRIVE MILES TO GET SOME TROJANS!
"Hokies to Face USC in '04 Season Opener" (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
IV BRINGS DEAD ROYAL BACK TO LIFE!
Several exciting new productions of Shakespeare's "Henry IV" have been staged. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.)
FAMILIES KILL CATS DURING XMAS FEAST!
"Holiday Treats and Trimmings Can Be Deadly to Curious Pets"
(Tom Madison, Alexandria)
And Last:
MD. MAN RUINS WIFE'S XMAS BY REVEALING ALL IN POST!
"Earlier this month, Jay Ireland of Bethesda bought his wife a digital camera," Dec. 21 (Jane Auerbach, Los Angeles)