Week 538: Try, Try Again


It's what being a Loser is all about, really.

This Week's Contest: For those of you whose superb contributions to previous Style Invitational contests were so unjustly ignored by the Former Regime (and for those whose contributions would have been unjustly ignored, had you bothered to submit them), The Empress invites you to give it another shot: Enter any previous Invitational (there's a link to the past 100 contests on the Style Invitational Web page on washingtonpost.com). Your entry must be substantially different from the original winners. It may refer to events that occurred after the original contest appeared.

First-prize winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational Trophy. First runner-up wins a salt-and-pepper set consisting of a ceramic man in a thong, labeled "Hollywood, Ca." His butt cheeks are Salt and Pepper. (It is not clear, from his position, whether he is wearing a condiment.) It was sent in by Elden Carnahan of Laurel, who wins "The Ground Meat Cookbook" from 1954. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are not accepted. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 6. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or you risk being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Stephen Dudzik of Olney.

Report from Week 534, in which The Czar (remember him? from way back?) invited descriptions of how various institutions would change if they were dominated by women.

Remember how he assured you that you didn't have to worry about a little sexist humor, since, after all, remember who'd be judging the contest?

Oh hahahaha. BWAhahahaha. Such suckers you are.

Actually, this contest drew very few entries: Most 21st-century humans with any sense of shame would be mortified to see their names appended to women-can't-drive jokes, or women-can't-make-decisions jokes. (Then again, The Style Invitational is not generally associated with "any sense of shame.") Still, entrants tended to focus on the very few areas in which women have made no real contribution, such as football, the papacy, child molestation, etc.

To those among the shameless who -- thinking they were writing for a male judge -- sent oh-so-clever time-of-the-month jokes, alas, none of your entries get ink. The Empress does not know why, exactly. Perhaps she is just feeling a little crabby right now, for some reason.

Third runner-up: If a woman ran the United States, we would never declare war. We would just attack, and when the country asked us why, we'd say, "Oh, I think you know why." (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

Second runner-up: Any player left on base in one inning gets to start at that base on her next up. It's only fair. (Judith Cottrill, New York)

First runner-up: Homeland security: "The threat level was upgraded today from Mojave Rose to Persimmon Sunset." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

And the winner of the Painted Potties decal set: If women ran the porn industry, the climax of the movie would be when the man shouts, "I was wrong!"

(Tom McCudden, Durham, N.C.)

Honorable mentions:

Truck drivers' mud flaps would lose their buxom, big-haired silhouettes in favor of semiabstract representations of a Saturn V rocket at the moment of liftoff. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.)

Plumbers would go to fix bathrooms in groups. (Kristina Sherry, Annandale)

Construction workers: "Hey, look at that cutie boy -- I'd like to take HIM shopping for lamps . . ." (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Prostate exams would involve stirrups and an ice-cold speculum. (Bill Spencer, Exeter, N.H.)

If women controlled politics, men wouldn't have elections every time you turn around, and when they did have one, their elections would last much longer. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Pfizer Corp. would produce little blue pills that make men better listeners. (Josh Borken, Bloomington, Minn.)

The FBI: As long as they're collecting all that information on everyone's private life, why not run it through a matchmaking program? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Porno movies: What now matters is a man's sighs: how long, how deep, how passionate. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

For Internet porn, it would take 45 minutes to pull up the Web site.

(Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.)

Hockey players would get extra points for axels and toe loops while scoring. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Wrestlers and NASCAR drivers would have nicknames like "The Accommodator." (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

If women ran the health care system, they would devote the proper level of resources to women's health issues so that women would, on average, live as long as men. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Playground bullies: "Oh, yeah? Well, my mom is JUST as nice as your mom, don't you think?" (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Pro tennis coverage: Nice knowing you, Anna Kournikova. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

If women ran Burning Tree Club, they wouldn't let men play golf there, and that means no one would get to play, 'cause women just aren't allowed at Burning Tree. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Mafia donnas: No cement shoes after Labor Day. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

If women took over the Republican Party, we would elect one of the pigs that would be flying. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

If the Three Wise Men were Three Wise Women, nothing would have been different: Already, they asked for directions; their Christmas gifts were jewelry, scent and moisturizer; and they changed routes on the way home after hearing a news report. (Bob Wallace, Reston)

Football:

All uniforms would be a more slimming black, and you can be sure there wouldn't be padded hips. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax; Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Making a pass would be penalized the first three times, then totally allowed. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax)

Holding would no longer be a penalty; in fact, it would be mandatory after each play. (David Lang, Olney)

If the New York Giants' starting lineup consisted of 11 women, no one would notice any difference. (Marc Leibert, New York)

Baseball:

All teams would take turns going to the World Series, which would consist of three exhibition games to be won by each league. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Players would illegally silicone their bats. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

If a woman ran The Style Invitational:

Prizes would be something useful, like recipes and tea cozies. (Joe Cackler, Falls Church) [Joe wins a doily.]

This contest would be won entirely by entries like "If women took over the presidency, there would be no war." (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.) [Seth wins a nyah-nyah raspberry.]

No one would win more than once a year so everyone would get a chance. Perennial winners would be required to help those less skilled. Consolation T-shirts would be given for people who enter every week but never get printed all year. And Honorable Mentions would actually receive their bumper stickers they won in July 2001, not that I'm bitter or anything . . . (Melissa Yorks, Gaithersburg)