Week 536: And the Horse He Rodin On
We begin this week with an alarming announcement, and a plea for calm. After more than 10 years at the helm of this contest, your Czar is stepping down. He wishes to express his gratitude not only for your creativity, which has sustained him, but for your fealty, which has elevated him to the status of cult hero -- a beloved and benevolent humor deity, feared for his power but respected for the evenhandedness with which he wields it. He announces with great pleasure that, by his grace, the contest will survive. He commands that you extend to his successor, a capable and industrious young woman, all the servile, fawning obsequiousness that you have shown him all these years. The task of succeeding a legend is an unenviable one, and if her steps are uncertain or her judgment timid, please understand that this is a natural consequence of the submissive attitude that The Czar has fostered in her over more than a decade, one that has happened to serve The Czar well, despite the occasional instances of childish rebellion and acting out that
Yeah, yeah. Swell. Beat it, Grandpa. The Czar has been called away on urgent business to the dacha in Ekaterinburg. Now that that unpleasant little housecleaning task is out of the way, The Empress of The Style Invitational wishes to announce a few changes in this contest, to elevate its level of tastefulness and decorum as befitting an internationally renowned quotidian journal.
To that end, no longer will the grand prize for the winning ink each week be a risque, coarse, hideous piece of promotional detritus or some tacky souvenir. Henceforth, that prize will be given to the first runner-up. Each winner will instead receive the trophy pictured at left, a mixed-media sculpture crafted of genuine bronzoid-looking Alabastrite{+T}{+M} and genuine paper paper bag.
This Week's Contest: Come up with some words we can stick on the back of The Inker. You have about two inches' worth of back, so don't send in a sonnet, you know? Winner gets the guy, with the winning stick-on stuck on. First runner-up receives a pair of slip-on fake feet complete with veins, scabs and suppurating lesions.
Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt (now in new Empress Red). Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. One entry per entrant per week. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 22. Put the week number in the subject line of your e-mail, or you risk being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo.
Report from Week 532, in which we asked for terse reviews of movies, books, etc., in four words or fewer:
A number of submissions cleverly and tersely described the plot, but weren't judgments on the works' quality (" 'Last Tango in Paris': For butter or worse"; " 'The Crying Game': Male's in the chick"). These get no credit whatsoever.
Guess which verb was used 263 times to describe "Gone With the Wind," "Twister" and "A Mighty Wind"? Very good. Now guess which verb was used 347 times to describe "Dracula" and "Deep Throat."
And in the Playing Against Type department, we have the week's entry that was so highbrow, you'd think it was sent in by the Cosmetic Surgery Institute: "Rimbaud's 'Une Saison en Enfer': Enfer non!" We pitterpat our hands for Mr. Chuck Smith of Woodbridge.
Fourth runner-up: "I Am Curious (Yellow)": It was meaty (ocher).
(Michael Gips, Bethesda)
Third runner-up: "S.W.A.T.": C.W.A.P. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Second runner-up: "The Sound of Music": DOA, dear. (Jeffrey Scharf, Burke)
First runner-up : "Love Story": Sorry! (Carl W. Northrop, Fairfax)
And the winner of the edible napkins made from potatoes:
"Cast Away": Man overbored. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)
Honorable Mentions:
"Analyze This": Okay, it's awful. Satisfied?
(Will Cramer and Julie Thomas, Herndon)
"War and Peace": Floccinaucinihilipilicationally supercalifragilisticexpialidocious; osseocarnisanguineonervomedullary honorificabilitudinitatious.
(Danny Bravman, Potomac)
"The Untouchables": The lowest cast. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
"Fargo": Forgo. (Mike Genz, La Plata)
"To Have and Have Not": Has not.
(Ray Aragon, Bethesda)
"Never Cry Wolf": Nunavut is worth seeing. (Karin Japikse, Fairfax)
"Oliver": Please, sir, no more! (Larry Levine and Arthur Windreich, Wheaton)
"The Odd Couple": I smell Oscar!
(Drew Knoblauch, Falls Church)
"Cheers": Booze.
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
"The Sting": Where is its death?
(G. Smith, Reston)
"On the Waterfront": Long snore, man. (Mike Murphy, Munhall, Pa.)
"Annie": Get your gun.
(TJ Murphy, Blacksburg, Va.)
"Oh, God": Dog, ho!
(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)
"Moby-Dick": Call me fishmeal.
(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)
"Signs": Do not enter.
(Sue Lin Chong, Washington)
"Camelot": Let it be forgot.
(Danny Bravman, Potomac)
"Girl, Interrupted": Boy! Interminable! (Milo Sauer, Fairfax)
"Being There": Leaving early.
(Jerry Norris, New Bern, N.C.)
"Annie Hall": Blah-de-dah. (Larry Levine and Arthur Windreich, Wheaton)
"Conan the Barbarian": I'm groping for words. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
"Twelve Angry Men": Make that thirteen. (Michael Gips, Bethesda)
"The Da Vinci Code": 16-18-5-4-9-3-20-1-2-12-5 20-18-9-16-5.
(Marc Leibert, New York)
"Groundhog Day": Same old same old. (Michelle Stupak, Ellicott City)
"Jaws": Box office poisson.
(Peter Metrinko, Plymouth, Minn.)
"Animal Farm": Ewe.
(Jacob Wolman, Washington)
"Chitty Chitty Bang Bang": No bang, doubly chitty. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
"The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly": Two out of three! (Russell Beland, Springfield; Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)
"Babe": On't-day o-gay.
(Joseph Peta, New York)
"I, Claudius": It, tedius. (Russell Beland, Springfield; Milo Sauer, Fairfax)
"Don't Drink the Water": Drink the
Kool-Aid. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
"Ben-Hur": Loved Ben, hated Hur.
(Tony Hope, Washington; Chris Doyle,
Forsyth, Mo.)
"Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever": Critic: Head vs. wall. (Evan Golub, College Park)
"Gigli": Reagli, reagli unappeagli.
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
"The Day After": A-bomb.
(Cecil J. Clark, Arlington)
"Rashomon": Four stories, zero sense. (Marc Leibert, New York)
"Shampoo": Genuine poo.
(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)
"Casablanca": Don't play it, Sam.
(Michele Uhler, Fort Washington)
"Star Wars": Stay far, far away.
(S.A. Wiebe, Calgary, Alberta)
"Moulin Rouge": Merde she wrote. (Berde Waring, New York)
"Lord of the Rings": Small men, big sets. (Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia)
"The Shoes of the Fisherman": Smelt. (Brendan O'Byrne, Regina, Saskatchewan)
"The Great Gatsby": F -- Scott Fitzgerald. (Bill Morris, Washington)
"Shampoo": Much hairdo about nothing. (Steve Fahey, Kensington)
"Flirting With Disaster": Flirting?
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
"Auntie Mame": Maim Auntie!
(Meg Sullivan, Potomac)