Week 518: Say, Kids, What Time Is It?
"You know it's time to leave the restaurant when you see that every table has its own Roach Motel."
"You know it's time to find a new job when your health insurance premiums are higher than your salary."
This Week's Contest was suggested by Carmen T. Kitt of Charlottesville. Your job is to fill in the blanks in the following sentence: "You know it's time to -- -- -- when -- -- -- ," as in the examples above. First-prize winner gets a really bizarre prize donated by Brendan O'Byrne of Regina, Saskatchewan. It is a set of 25 really fancy vintage rag-paper coupons -- each is as elaborate and uncounterfeitable as a dollar bill -- good for a grand total of $ 6 off any purchase from Canadian Tire Ltd.
First Runner-Up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 18. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Mark Young of Washington.
Report from Week 514, in which you were invited to give "Jeopardy!"-like questions to answers we supplied.
Third Runner-Up: Answer: Porky McBeal. Question: What character was played by Calista Blockheart? (Roy Ashley, Washington)
Second Runner-Up: Answer: Because it could cause asphyxia. Question: In Scrabble, why should you never come up with "asp" pointing toward a triple word score? (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)
First Runner-Up: Answer: Chilean Sea Bass, but not George W. Bush. Question: Who knows where Chile is? (Joe Cackler, Falls Church; Sue Lin Chong, Washington)
And the winner of the hard candy with an embedded cricket larva:
Answer: Paris, Zurich, and Certain Parts of West Virginia. Question: Where is it not permissible to marry one's sister? (Sanford D. Horn, Alexandria)
Honorable Mentions:
Ben Aflack
Who is the co-star of the 1997 film "Good Duck Hunting?" (Tom Campbell, Highland Park, Ill.; Elliott Schiff, Allentown, Pa.; Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Which insurance company covers butt-related injuries?
(David Moore, Odenton)
Who used to date Gwyneth Poultry? (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Who said, "Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man less of a liability risk"? (Carolin Murphy, Fayetteville, N.Y.)
Just the Parts You Can See
Is Madonna a real blonde?
(Dot Yufer, Newton, W.Va.)
What is missing from the government's case for Iraqi weapons of mass destruction?
(Mike Genz, La Plata)
WMD-40
What is the lubricant Dubya used when he slipped it to us about the war? (Dan Gray, Spotsylvania, Va.)
What do you use when your launch key sticks? (Karen Toner, Rockville;
Bird Waring, New York)
In personal ads, what is the abbreviation for a middle-aged white male dork? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Woody Allen's Analyst
Who has even greater job security than Robert Downey Jr.'s bail bondsman?
(Fred Wichham, San Francisco)
Who is the only person still interested in Woody Allen's neurosis?
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
Paris, Zurich, and Certain Parts of West Virginia
Where is it hard to get understandable directions in English? (Milo Sauer, Fairfax)
Where has the cutting of cheese taken on the status of an art form? (Paul Kocak, Syracuse)
Where might a purse made out of aluminum foil and duct tape be considered fashionable?
(Mike Genz, La Plata)
Because It Just Sounds Wrong
Why don't people ever order Koong Phat Prik at Thai restaurants?
(Lori Olcott, Seoul)
Why should you never compliment your wife afterward by saying, "You handled yourself like a real pro"? (Mike Connaghan, Alexandria)
Once in a Blue Moonves
How often does The Style Invitational print one of the 6,713 identical entries that say, "How often do people under 40 watch CBS?"
(Daniel Mauer, Silver Spring)
A Concerto in Lee Majors
What is even less interesting than a concerto in Lee Marvin?
(David Moore, Odenton)
Porky McBeal
What are they calling the new ham-cube-on-a-toothpick appetizer at McDonald's?
(Fred Wichham, San Francisco)
In a universe far, far away, who is dating Ham Solo?
(Josh Tucker, Kensington)
Because It Could Cause Asphyxia
Why don't they serve franks 'n' beans 'n' beer on the space shuttle?
(Stephen Fahey, Kensington)
Why did Pamela Anderson decide not to breast-feed her babies?
(Judith Cottrill, New York)
Why should you not hold your breath until the Gephardt campaign catches fire? (Mike Genz, La Plata)
Chilean Sea Bass, But Not George W. Bush
What should be grilled over mesquite, instead of by a Senate committee? (Roy Ashley, Washington)
Which is less likely to have offspring that are stewed to the gills?
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Who goes deep?
(Paul Kundrav, Harrisonburg, Va.)
The loss of what creature would be seen as a tragedy for environmentalists?
(David Rogers, Aurora, Ill.)
What does Rush Limbaugh enjoy tearing into as often as possible? (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)
Who is afraid of global warming?
(Mike Genz, La Plata)
Whee Monsieur
What would be a good name for a brothel in Marseilles?
(Jim Anderson, Corvallis, Ore.)
What is a memorable line from the French remake of "Deliverance"?
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls; Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
What is the most popular ride at Six White Flags Amusement Park?
(Sue Lin Chong, Washington)