Week 517: Insert Joke Here


This Week's Contest was suggested by Hank Wallace of Washington. Inspired by our recent contest to slip in a question to ask Miss Universe contestants, Hank proposes that you slip a single bogus sentence into next year's State of the Union address, figuring the Prez will probably just read it right off the teleprompter. First-prize winner gets a "Keen Eddie" dartboard, with magnetic darts, a rather elaborate and expensive promotional item from Fox, featuring photos of principals from the new Fox TV show of the same name. Fox was hoping for good publicity, and we're happy to give it: The "Keen Eddie" dartboard is a class act, well-conceived and well executed, unlike the vapid TV show.

First Runner-Up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 10. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required forentry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes.

Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. There is no revised title for next week's contest because they all stank.

Report from Week 513, in which we asked you to come up with Subject lines guaranteed to cause a person to delete an e-mail, unread.

And no, we aren't playing favorites. We are playing LPMOE, the diversity-scorning game played by the Last Pure Meritocracy On Earth.

Third Runner-Up: tH!s 1s n0T «@M!!!¨ Ope No / /!!!!! Qqr pblt

(Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring; Josh Feldblyum, Potomac)

Second Runner-Up: An important message for you from Lyndon LaRouche's nephew. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

First Runner-Up: Earn Thousands Through Hard Work and Diligence!

(Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring)

And the winner of the colorectal necktie:

Meet LONELY MARRIED WOMEN who want to go shopping for window treatments with your wife! (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring)

Honorable Mentions:

Michelle, enlarge your penis NATURALLY! (Michelle Bowen-Ziecheck, Chicago; Joe Morse, Burke)

First time ever, the 1936 Republican Convention on CD!

(Dean N. Alterman, Portland, Ore.)

I found you on classmates.com -- you slept with my mom 18 years ago.

(Jacki Lippman, Washington)

You may have won a trip to East St. Louis! (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

See Britney Spears in a heavy parka!

(Michael S. Golden, Wichita, Kan.)

THE WOMEN OF HAMAS!

(Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

Need Help With Your Resumay?

(Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

I am Lulu, voluptuous, horny, and 13. Contact me at OPERATIONJAILBAIT.gov (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

We are just barely 18, and we have print cartridges! (Luke S. Wassum, Washington)

No nipples? No problem!

(Roger Strukhoff, Danville, Calif.)

This is the seventh-to-last-time you will receive this message!

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Stop paying for barium enemas!

(Ranald Totten, Kitty Hawk, N.C.)

Free screen saver -- The Faces of

Smallpox (Michael Beller, Potomac)

An important message for below- average male drivers!

(Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring)

Lose 40 Pounds TODAY!

(Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls)

Help me find myself! Send $$$

(Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls)

Unemployed Telemarketers Need Your Help (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Want a king-size F.I.S.T.U.L.A. in one week? (Bella Stander, Charlottesville)

You may already have won a necktie promoting awareness of colorectal cancer! (Bruce Carlson, Alexandria)

Hot Afghan women in skimpy burqas! You can almost see their ankles!

(Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

Fat Tony & Co. will take care of your debt FAST. (Michael Hurwitz, Chevy Chase)

Urgent Assistant required for penniless beggar. (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring)

Free! Alex Trebek's guide to Balto-Slavic pronunciation! (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Gals, get droopier breasts!

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Watch TEENAGE GIRLS taking the SAT exam! (Bella Stander, Charlottesville)

Defeat the Do-Not-Call Censorship Nazis! (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Deposit $ 100,000, get FREE CHECKING (Courtney Knauth, Washington)

Get Your Internet Provider to Add Al Jazeera (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

Three out of two people win at the Nigerian Powerball! Why not you?

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Teach your pet monkey to yodel

(Joel Knanishu, Rock Island, Ill.)

Lonely singles in your area looking for help moving to a five-story walkup this weekend! (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring)

Sign Up Now for Glorious Martyrdom Operations (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

Subjects needed for genital wart lancing tests. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Make Your Wife Think You Are Bob Dole in Bed! (Danny Bravman, Potomac)

Did you know you can REQUEST an IRS audit? (Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.)

SEE DON ZIMMER NUDE

(Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)

Please help me check my computer: Is this attachment a virus?

(Dan Steinberg, Falls Church)

Master Tic-Tac-Toe in 30 minutes!

(Roy Ashley, Washington)

Old joke, but still funny

(Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station)

Alan Greenspan-Andrea Mitchell honeymoon video XXXX

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

And Last:

Make big Buck$ selling colorectal neckties! (Susannah Maisel, Bowie)