Week 516: Err Apparent
1. At traffic court.
2. In a job interview.
3. To a waiter.
4. To a car salesman.
5. To your best client.
6. To Saint Peter.
This Week's Contest was suggested by Stephen Dudzik of Olney. Come up with unwise things to say in any of the above circumstances. First-prize winner gets "Bosom Friend," an elegant, antique 1940s-era lace pouch, still in its box. "Bosom Friend" was to be pinned to one's brassiere. It held "mad money," for use when a date went bad.
First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 4. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry.
Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland of Springfield.
Report from Week 512, in which we asked you to use a person's name as an acronym for an appropriate description or quote:
Third Runner-Up: Most advisers recommend to hold assets. "Sell this evening," Waksal advised. "Repent tomorrow."
(Bill Kivela, Ellington, Conn.)
Second Runner-Up: "How insignificant little lying angers Republicans! Yes, repeatedly, our deeds have animated malicious conspiracies, letting ideologues nefariously terrorize our nation."
(Malcolm Fleschner, San Mateo, Calif.)
First Runner-Up:
Christopher Histopher,
Reads Invitationals
(Style), triumphantly
Obtaining prize.
He enters readily,
Doubledactylically.
Ostentatiousness? Yes!
Let's euthanize.
(Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)
And the winner of the Charo-like costume:
"Yo, Ariel Sharon! I'm really a Rumsfeld agent fighting Arab terrorists!"
(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)
Honorable Mentions:
Gutted economy? Overspent? Ruined global ecology? We'll beat up Saddam Hussein! (William Bradford, Washington)
"My income can't handle another [expletive] lawsuit -- jury awards certainly kill spending on noses."
(Norm Hecht, Golden, Colo.)
See how effortlessly rational, logical observation cracks knotty headaches open -- leaving merely elementary solutions. (Danny Bravman, Potomac)
"Regarding our budget: Everybody resents taxes, everybody hates reductions. Let's invite casinos here!" (Eileen S. McClellan, Stevensville, Md.)
Ear, meter, iambs -- Listless --
Your Dashes inserted ceaselessly --
Keep irritated Novices
Struggling on -- needlessly --
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)
"Babe, Outlaw Blues dnnh yrrr lfff ann nghh." (Roy Ashley, Washington)
Minced in ladies' things on national broadcast -- everyone's raucous laughter ensued.
(Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)
"Jethro, Ellie's dog's cryin' like a moon possum eatin' turned tuna!"
(Scott Campisi, Wake Village, Tex.)
Clearly had extensive renovations.
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)
Highly impassioned liberal loves a redneck yahoo; reaches office despite his amorous misadventures; could land in national ticket one November.
(Milo Sauer, Fairfax)
" . . . respect. Other day, nurse enters yelling, 'Doctor, anesthetic's nuking guy's epidermis!' Replies fellow: 'Inspected epidermis -- let die.' "
(Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)
My reckoning: "Scarlet, Wrench, Hall" in the envelope.
(Danny Bravman, Potomac)
"Me? One naughty intern. Clinton? Acting like everything was, incredibly, not sex. Ken? Yuck!"
(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)
Haters of W., awake! Real Democrat detected! Electable? Alas, not.
(Sarah Manchester, Silver Spring)
He opposed war and rouses do-gooders; Democrats envision another Nader.
(Kevin Tingley, Fairfax)
He is forever lost, alas: gone, silenced, through our neglect.
(Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station)
Face it, dude, everyone's laughing. Communism's a stale theory, rendered obsolete. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)
"Movie insufficient! Kill ending, edit, insert sappy new ending reel."
(Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)
A liberal fraud -- really a nitwitted keister, entertaining nobody.
(Sanford Horn, Alexandria)
Serve effectively. Return everything. Nail all. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)
Loose lips of yenta deluxe gush reverently or vilify entirely. (Rabbi Michael Bernstein, Longmeadow, Mass.)
Dull as vanilla in dotage, but once was innovative eccentric.
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)
"I contracted a really unbelievable sunburn." (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)
"Koreans, I'm making jokes over nukes! God, I'm loony!" (Joe Cackler, Falls Church)
What if legitimately legal information effectively helped opponents reach their own nominations?
(Greg Arnold, Herndon)
"Eccentric lunatics vouch I survived." (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Austrian Republican now ostensibly loves Democrat Shriver. Can't he wed a Republican zealot? Enough nonsense, eh? Get Gingrich's entire Rolodex!
(Joe Braverman, Silver Spring)
Maybe all Lower Virginia's oblivious. (Joshua Kaplowitz, Alexandria)
"Might I suggest that everyone request pasta, or tomatoes, avoiding tubers? Or have every available dish [+T][+e][+x][+-][+M][+e][+x]."
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
My appearance reeled in lovers, yet none made overly nice relationships (outfielders excepted).
(J.J. Gertler, Alexandria)
Pistol resting in a pocket? Uh, sure. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)
"See Constitution as 'living'? I'm against!" (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring)
"Sodomy? Can't allow lovin' in . . . arrears." (Drew Knoblauch, Falls Church)
Only jury suspected imaginary murderer perpetrated slashing of Nicole.
(Joe Braverman, Silver Spring)
During another nightmarish season, new younger defense errs regularly. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)
Another Democratic loser; alas, ill-advisedly spoke truth. Egghead voters evidently not sufficient of number.
(Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)
Made a roast; traded her accomplice's stock; tried everything -- wriggling, acquiescence, recriminations: Toast! (Stephen Kann, Clifton)
"My applique rose tablecloths help a slammer turn elegant, with a raffish touch." (Holly Hacker, Columbia, Mo.)
Slugger admits mallet modification, yields squat on steroid assistance.
(Dave Zarrow, Herndon)
Trumpeted hate, ultimately reconsidered. Married old. Now dead. (Ken Stern, New York)
"Seems that really old man truly had united races," muses outcast nonwhite daughter. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)
Eisenhower-appointed Republican liberally went about radically reconstructing entire nation.
(Greg Krakower, New York)
Baritone artist requires requiem: yon walrus's hits induced tumescent eros. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)
This is golf's exalted ruler, winning often over demoralized schlemiels. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)
"Answers like enquiries!" Xanadu? Tyrannosaurus rex? Eggs Benedict? Evel Knievel? (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)
Temperamental humor editor collates zaniness about rectums.
(Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)
Just one entrant can acquire Charo kitsch. Losers express relief.
(Joe Cackler, Falls Church)