Week 509: Be a Real Card


In the bank of truth
You've made a deposit
Congrats on coming
Out of the closet.

Excessive kids make a guy
Look like heck to me --
Please accept my best wishes
On getting your vasectomy.

This week's contest was proposed by Bird Waring of New York. Bird suggests this flight of fancy: Come up with a greeting card rhyme for an un-greeting-card occasion like the ones above. First prize was donated to The Style Invitational by Stephen Dudzik of Olney. It is a fabulous matched set of thong panties and T-shirt, each featuring the likeness of the erstwhile Iraqi minister of information and his signature line, "My feeling, as usual we will slaughter them all."

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, June 16. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Sara Ulyanova of San Pedro Sula, Honduras.

Report from Week 505, in which you had to come up with novel ways to spend $ 1 million that would confer no benefit on anyone, except for the joy of stupidity:

[diam]Third Runner-Up: Spend half to create a better mousetrap and the other half to genetically engineer a craftier mouse. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

[diam]Second Runner-Up: Give every single American taxpayer a half-cent refund! (G.W. Bush, Washington) (Joe Cackler, Falls Church)

[diam]First Runner-Up: Hire O.J. to find the real weapons of mass destruction. (Charles Star, New York)

[diam]And the winner of the especially badly rendered JFK commemorative plate: Purchase 14.28 seconds' worth of commercial time during the Super Bowl and read a list of the 10 people to whom you would have given $ 100,000 each, had you not blown the money on the commercial. (Mark Briscoe, Arlington)

[diam]Honorable Mentions:

Purchase the largest ball of twine, located in Cawker City, Kan., and hire Lily Chin, the world's fastest crocheter, to produce a cozy for the world's largest teapot, located just outside Chester, W.Va. (Mark Briscoe, Arlington)

Extend the Orange Line toward Dulles 13 more feet. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Add Al Sharpton to Mount Rushmore.

(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Give it to Mrs. Sese Seko, to tide her over until she can get all her money out of that Swiss bank.

(Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring)

Spend it all on books advising you how to invest your money.

(Sarah Abernathy, Arlington)

File a class-action suit against myself, settle out of court, and pay a $ 1 million fine to the government without admitting wrongdoing.

(Katherine Walkden, New York)

Build the Tomb of the Unknown Politician. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia; Richard Lempert, Arlington)

Fund a scientific study, including extensive market research, to find out the best thing to do if someone gives you $ 1 million. (Betsy Pankey, Falls Church; Dave Edelschick, Manassas)

Play enough skee-ball to finally win that giant stuffed llama.

(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Buy one of those Honus Wagner baseball cards and use it to light a cheap cigar.

(Paul Kondis, Alexandria)

Pay Woody Harrelson $ 1 million for permission to sleep with Demi Moore.

(Bill McDonald, Alexandria)

Sink it into R&D for a penis-reducing cream. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

For its immense symbolic value, transport one of those Saddam statues from Iraq to the inside of a maximum- security cell at Marion Federal Penitentiary. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

Arrange, when the sad time comes, for a new pair of shoes to be placed daily on the grave of Imelda Marcos.

(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Buy all your neighbors' extra zucchini. (Joel Knanishu, Rock Island, Ill.)

Fund the cast of "Happy Days" in a production of "The Marriage of Figaro." (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)

Set up a booth at a job fair and hire people to set up booths at job fairs that hire people to set up booths at job fairs . . . until the money runs out.

(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Create the world's first Reverse Pyramid Scheme by sending the million dollars to one friend and telling him to send $ 100,000 to ten other friends, instructing THEM to send $ 10,000 to ten other friends, and so on, until a million people each get one dollar.

(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Spend it on a lobbying campaign to change the name of the yucca plant to something nicer. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Spend it on a grass-roots lobbying campaign to change the name of the Washington Capitals to the Washington Capitols. (Ted Frank, Arlington)

Fund a commission to study ways to improve alphabetical order. (Put all the vowels together, move B and D farther apart to avoid confusion, etc.)

(Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring)

Pay for the naming rights to the Wilson Bridge, and name it "That There Bridge"

(Peter Ostrader, Rockville)

Buy 529,100 16-pound bags of ice. At $ 1.89 a bag, that would amount to $ 999,999, leaving a dollar tip for the kid who brings it out to my car.

(Jay King, Rockville)

Undercoat every Gremlin still on the road. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Help one of the nation's troubled airlines stay in business another 20 minutes or so. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

How about 14,000 stars all officially renamed "Debbie."

(Russell Beland, Springfield)

[diam]And Last:

I'd use the million bucks to do whatever it says in the winning entry. (Jayson Blair, New York)

(Russell Beland, Springfield)