Week 501: Questionable Sentences
A: He was "there when it happened."
Q: I hear that O.J. is finally ready to confess, but that Johnnie Cochran scripted the confession. What, exactly, is O.J. going to say?
This week's contest reprises one of our favorites from yesteryear. Take any sentence appearing anywhere in today's Washington Post (or on washingtonpost.com) and make it the answer to a question. You may not change or reorder any words; you may alter punctuation. Make sure you tell us from which story, and on what page, your source material came. (The above example was taken from today's Dear Abby.) First-prize winner gets the "Simpsons"-theme board game Loser Takes All, based on a concept so stupid we are not surprised that, despite its big-time sponsorship, Stephen Dudzik of Olney bought it at a Kmart bargain bin for $ 8. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, April 21. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Entries will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.
Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo.
Report from Week 497, in which you were asked to supply questions to "Jeopardy!"-type answers.
Good answer too popular to reward with a prize: Answer: Definitely not Michael Jackson. Question: Who will replace Mister Rogers?
Fourth Runner-Up: Answer: Zippy the Pinworm. Question: What parasite is the hardest to get?
(Joe Otchin, Ithaca, N.Y.; Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)
Third Runner-Up: Answer: Definitely not Michael Jackson. Question: "Glenda Jackson, Latoya Jackson, Mahalia Jackson, Michael Jackson. Quien es mas macho?" (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.; Nick Yuran, Waynesboro, Pa.)
Second Runner-Up: Answer: The Rapper Nice-T. Question: Who recorded "My Hoe's in the Garden, and My Bitch is Named Fido."
(Kaz Aames, Warner Robins, Ga.)
First Runner-Up: Answer: Dick Cheney but Not a Training Bra. Question: What needs wiring to provide chest support?
(Michael Kidwell, Silver Spring)
And the winner of the "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" board game:
Answer: Mahmoud Finkelbaum. Question: Who would blow himself up, if only it wouldn't break his poor mother's heart?
(Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)
Honorable Mentions:
Answer: Hans Blix's right nostril
Answer: What's one MORE thing right under Hans Blix's nose that he can't see? (Joanne Nickerson, Reston)
Answer: Definitely not Michael Jackson
What does Michael Jackson's long-lost twin look like?
(Josh Tucker, Kensington)
Who is the biological father of Michael Jackson's children?
(Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls; Sue Lin Chong, Washington; Brian Barrett, Bethesda)
Answer: The Rapper Nice-T
Who is always bragging about his prowess with a Glockenspiel?
(Mark Young, Washington)
Who is Tipper's favorite gangsta?
(Anne Skove, Dendron, Va.)
Answer: Zippy the Pinworm
Who lays lots of eggs but occasionally really tickles you in a funny place?
(Milo Sauer, Fairfax; Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Answer: Zippo the Pinhead
What was the first sign that the comics page had started accepting corporate sponsorships?
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)
Who is Smokey the Bear's pyromaniac nemesis?
(William Dimmer, Merritt Island, Fla.)
What comic explores the lighter side of cranial deformity?
(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
Answer: Mahmoud Finkelbaum
Who thinks that a viable, contiguous Palestinian state "couldn't hoit"?
(Mark Young, Washington)
Who is the world's least likely person to become pope?
(Jeff Brown, Fairfax)
Answer:
What would my wife and I look like today if we had never married?
(Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring)
Answer: Dick Cheney but not a Training Bra
Whose job covers two entire hemispheres? (Milo Sauer, Fairfax)
Answer: Because the French Got There First
What is this whole non sequitur thing all about, anyway?
(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
Answer: Just that Al Qaeda Guy in the T-shirt
Okay, if that wasn't the Yeti, who was it? (Judith Cottrill, New York)
If there are six Girl Scouts, four old ladies, three Buddhist monks, a baby in a stroller and that Al Qaeda guy in the T-shirt, which one will get on the plane without being screened?
(Mary Lou French, Lorton)
Answer: Because It Didn't Rhyme
In the fall, on the Isle of Nantucket,
A girl picked some fruit in a bucket.
She picked peach, plum and apple
And sold them to Snapple,
But why did she never pick orange?
(Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station)
Why did Mother Goose reject the rhyme "Mary, Mary Quite Constipated"?
(Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls)
And the David Twenhafel memorial prize:
Why is this entry /
Worse when not in French?
(Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)