Week 489 CLVI: Combo, First Blood


Michael Jackson of Sam: His neighbor's dog told him to dangle that kid.

Dirty Harry Potter: "Go ahead, Draco. Make my fortnight."

Larry David Thoreau: Enjoys spending time alone, contemplating absolutely nothing of importance.

James Joyce Kilmer: "I think that I shall never see / A poem lovely as a thwotty pie freakfog moocow."

This Week's Contest was suggested by Brendan O'Byrne of Regina, Saskatchewan. Combine two people (past, present, real, fictional) whose names contain a common element, as in the examples above. Then, either describe the person, or provide a quote he or she might have uttered. First-prize winner gets a sugar-cookie-scented Eggbutt Horseball, an equine entertainment device donated to the Style Invitational by Mark Carson of Rockville.

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 27. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.

Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Jos. Romm of Washington and Thos. Witte of Gaithersburg.

Report from Week CLII (485), in which you were invited to tell jokes so esoteric they require an asterisked explanation.

Many good entries failed because the required information was not esoteric enough, as in: "What do you call the cases in an Italian small claims court? Tortellini." It is funny, however, and was submitted by the appropriately named "Robert Lafsky."


Second Runner-Up:

Producer: What could we do to make "The Terminator" move so fast that the background would appear distorted?

Director: I'd judder to sync.*

*In moviemaking, "judder" is an instability introduced when images sampled at one frame rate are converted to a different frame rate for viewing. This out-of-sync effect is most noticeable when frames

are repeated or deleted in order to obtain slow motion or fast motion. If the judder is placed in careful sync, it can create interesting visual effects, including rapid motion.

(J.D. Berry, Springfield)



First Runner-Up:

An American tourist in Italy is constipated for a week, but when he arrives in Florence, the water is better and his condition goes away. "With Firenze* like this," he said, "who needs enemas?" *Firenze is the Italian word for Florence.

(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)



And the winner of the huge promotional bra and panties:

George Bush: Who's* on first?
Ariel Sharon: Me?*
George Bush: No, the guy on first base.
Ariel Sharon: Me?
George Bush: You are on first?
Ariel Sharon: No, I'm asking you. Me?
George Bush: Who?
Ariel Sharon: Wait, you mean that fellow over there?
George Bush: So he* is on first?
Ariel Sharon: What are you talking about? There are no girls on this team.
George Bush: So who's on first?
Ariel Sharon: Me?

*In Hebrew, the word meaning "who" is pronounced "me"; the word for "he" is pronounced "who"; and the word for "she" is pronounced "he."

(Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)



Honorable Mentions:

Physicist 1: What's new?

Physicist 2: E/h*

*In physics, photon energy (E) divided by Planck's constant (h), is the frequency, expressed as the Greek letter nu. (Tim Livengood, Greenbelt)


I teach ecclesiastical Latin, but speak no Hindi. My husband speaks neither language. Recently we went to New Delhi for an international church convention of Latin instructors. At dinner, naturally, all the teachers spoke the only language we had in common. At one point, my husband found himself baffled by a dish he had just eaten, uncertain about the identity of a main ingredient. "Perhaps the waiter will know," I said, and asked my Indian host to summon the waiter and see. He did, inquiring in Hindi whether the waiter knew the ingredient. The waiter nodded and began to answer. Our Indian host turned to me and said, "He knows!" But before I could translate the Latin for my husband, he turned pale, put his hand over his mouth, and ran from the table. Imagine my embarrassment! *In ecclesiastical Latin, "he knows" is scit, and the "c" is pronounced "sh."

(Dennis McDermott, Hutchinson, Minn.)


Q: Why did Tonto* punch the Lone Ranger?

A: He finally learned Spanish.

*In Spanish, tonto means "stupid."

(Kathy Larkin, Madrid)



A young American woman is touring Germany. She is walking down a street when a sleazy guy jumps out of an alley and opens his raincoat.

"Ewww," she shrieks. "That's gross."*

"Danke schoen," he says.

*In German, gross means large, or great.

(Dan Campbell, Alexandria)



Why did the chromosome blush when the DNA polymerase* came into the room? He caught her with her genes unzipped!

*DNA polymerase causes the double helix of the chromosome to "unzip" so the gene can be replicated. (Mohamed Alosh, Bethesda)



Q: If Pee-wee Herman composed an opera, which one would he compose?

A: "Tales of Hoffman"*

*"Tales of Hoffman" was composed by Jacques Offenbach

(Arthur Litoff, York Springs, Pa.)



Ted: I bought the old Fillmore place.
Red: I heard the yard was infested with 602 sextillion gophers!
Ted: Nah, it's just a mole.*

*A "mole" of anything is a quantity equal to Avogadro's number, 6.02 x 10{+2}{+3}, or 602 sextillion. (David A. Sparrow, Springfield)



President Bush remembered how silly he felt the time he pronounced the name of North Korea's leader as "Kim Jong the Second." When Dubya learned that South Korea had recently held new elections, he wanted to try not to be embarrassed again. So he asked Colin Powell to brief him. Powell said, "What part of Roh* don't you understand? *Mr. Roh's name is pronounced "no."

(Dave Zarrow, Herndon)



Why da heck is a convention of dendrochronologists* such a hoot, anyways? Because it's like a tree-ring circus!

*Dendrochronologists date events by studying growth rings in trees.

(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)



How did the chemist know his wife had lead poisoning? Because she was acting plumb* crazy!

*Plumb comes from the Latin word for lead.

(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)



Cynthia: Will we be seeing "The Circus"* at the Louvre?
Warren: I don't know. Que sera sera.*
Cynthia: You make a very good point!*
Cynthia and Warren: Hahahaha!

*"The Circus" is a painting by the pointillist Georges Seurat, whose name is pronounced "sera."

(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)



Why did the incest-minded poet kill himself? He'd rather be caught dead than atop sis.*

"Thanatopsis" is a famous poem about death. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)



So the client says, "You idiot! I asked for java* and you give me cocoa.* To which the server responds, "How do you like them Apples!"*

*Cocoa is a programming language for Apple Computer's new OS operating system. Java is a cross-platform programming language that can be run on a server.

(Patrick Sheehan, Silver Spring)



What Hemingway novel brought joy to patients with bowel incontinence? "A Farewell to ARMs!"*

*An ARM is a test of anal rectal motility, using balloons. It is uncomfortable.

(Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)



Why did the rude man lose his lawsuit over the broken contract? The judge found he was lacking in consideration.* *In law, consideration is what one party offers as his part of the contract. If there is no consideration, the contract cannot be enforced.

(Mike Genz, LaPlata)



Did you hear about the incompetent Hawaiian vulcanologist? He didn't know his a'a's* from a hole in the ground!

*A'a's are a type of lava found in Hawaii.

(Richard Conn Henry, Baltimore)



Why was the cirrhosis patient unable to footnote his Week CLII entry properly? He had asterixis.*

*In medicine, asterixis is a condition in which the hands have a flapping tremor. It is often associated with metabolic irregularities seen in liver or lung failure.

(Kel Nagel, Salisbury, Md.)