Week 483 CL: Obitter Fate


Malcolm X: Malcolm? Ex.

Lawrence Welk: The Day the Muzak Died

Greta Garbo: Alone at Last

Jimmy Carter: Carter Achieves Peace

Hugh Hefner: Publisher Gets Laid to Rest

This Week's Contest was . . . received under seal (sent by entrant liking anonymity). Newspaper death notices, he points out, are too respectful and, well, bland; the headlines need some cool wordplay and other fun 'n' games. Give us an obit headline for some famous person, currently living or dead, as in the examples above. First-prize winner gets one of the worst pieces of original art we've ever seen. It appears to depict a duck, or a duck decoy, on a table, or possibly a floor, staring at a lamp, or possibly an alien life form. The shadows suggest the existence of two suns. The signature reads "H.R. Greenstreet, 1965" and if this happens to be someone's beloved grandpappy, well, what can we say? Now he's famous.

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 16. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.

Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo.

Report from Week CXLVI (479), in which we asked you to come up with businesses in which it would be unwise to invest.

Being famous for its delicacy and diplomacy, The Style Invitational is reluctant to criticize its readers, but we would like to gently inquire what maleficent combination of humor impairment, creative bankruptcy and intellectual dishonesty would impel someone to enter the already limp "Solar-Powered Flashlight Company" as his or her own?

Fourth Runner-Up: Chef Pablo MacGregor's Lebanese-Italian Bistro. (Robert Doherty, Alexandria)

Third Runner-Up: Old Growth Redwoods Post-It Note Corp. For those who will accept nothing less. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax)

Second Runner-Up: John's Pizzarrhea (Jon Milstein, Vienna)

First Runner-Up: Jiffy-Weld Can Resealers Inc. Did you open a can of beans and then decide you wanted something else instead? Bring it to any of our conveniently located outlets and we will reseal it with acetylene torches, good as new, at affordable prices. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

And the winner of the ceramic gorilla squatting on the Wall Street Journal: Baghdad Fine China and Glass Co. (John Cogburn, Southlake, Tex.)

Honorable Mentions:

www.wedon'thaveaproductorabusinessplanbutwedohavetheworstaddressontheinternet.com (Robert Doherty, Alexandria)

Baby Mustache Inc.: For no-nonsense, self-stick instant gender identifiers. (Jan Goldstein, Silver Spring)

Loosey Goosey Condoms: Comfort is our number one priority. (Jeffrey Hoyt, McLean)

Editers R Us (Jeffrey Hoyt, McLean)

Inacupuncture Associates (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

Used Butt Once: Recycled toilet paper at discount prices. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

We Are Toys: Pedantic Playthings for the Precocious (Kevin Devine, Ashburnham, Mass.; Michael Fransella, Arlington)

Sit & Spit Inc.: A chain of gourmet mouthwash cafes. (Kevin Devine, Ashburnham, Mass.)

Preggos: A new alternative to Hooters. (Wayne Schiff, Whitehall, Pa.)

Now THAT's What I Call Muzak Inc.: CDs featuring the best tunes from the nation's elevators. (Amy Corbett Storch, Washington)

Hanukah in Baghdad Tours Inc. (Nick Yuran, Waynesboro, Pa.)

Nanny-Priests Inc. (Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)

Airport Luggage Inspector Fantasy Camps Inc. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

DOS 2002 Inc. (Leigh Schneider, Weston Act, Australia)

Lima Bean Coffee Co.: Succotash-flavored brew -- better than Postum! (Maja Keech, New Carrollton)

Hooked on Macroeconomics (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

ADZ-FM: All Commercials All the Time (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Segway Inc. (Greg Krakower, New York)

The Raw Bar-gain, Inc.: Sushi vending machines > (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

The Papier-Mache Plumbing Co. (Bruce Johnson, Washington)

Su-Ni-Man: Trading card game featuring cute Sunni Islamic creatures with superpowers. (Greg Krakower, New York)

No Small Miracle Inc.: Super-fast-growing bonsai trees. (Charles Chester, Marietta, Ga.)

Paisley Palace: All things paisley. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

El Ar Airlines: Each plane has an Arab and an Israeli as co-pilots. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

Complex Multiplex Inc.: Large, multi-screen theaters in malls showing only art and foreign films. (David Hanger, Clarksville; Martha Stallman, Houston)

Duncan Hineys: Makers of nozzles for enemas and cake icers. (Steve Fahey, Kensington)

Pier Pressure: Like Pier 1, but with pushy salespeople. (John Griessmayer, Roanoke)

Al Kyda's Florist Shop, New York City. (Mike Connaghan, Alexandria)

John Daniel's Inc.: Makers of nonalcoholic whiskey. (Mark Young, Washington)

Buddy Holly Airlines: "We'll fly in any weather." (Michael Ross, Alexandria)

Three Mile Island Sleepaway Camp (Alice Babazadeh, Columbia)

And Last:

The Washington Post: Delivered to your doorstep, a friendly printed-out version. (Richard Conn Henry, Silver Spring)

Next Week: Pitch Stops