Week 482 CXLIX: Inspect Our Gadgets


What are these gadgets? What do they do? First-prize winner gets a vintage "I Love Lucy" clock and matching coffee mug.

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312 or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Dec. 9. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.

Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Forsyth, Mo.

Report from Week CXLV (478), in which you were asked to come up with statements that would summarize the mind-set of your typical college freshman in the year 2020.

Good answers too popular to reward: Monica has always been a verb, not a name. Also: Music has always been free.

Third Runner-Up: The U.S. Congress has always met in an undisclosed location. (Bob Dalton, Arlington)

Second Runner-Up: The rules of spelling and grammar have always been known only by the authors of word-processing software. (J.F. Martin, Naples, Fla.)

First Runner-Up: The Humvee has always been the only vehicle to comfortably seat the American family of four. (Lori Washington, Washington)

And the winner of the autographed Carl Kasell bobble-head doll: Ted Williams has always played all three outfield positions for the world champion Red Sox. (Tony Noerpel, Lovettsville)

Honorable Mentions:

There have always been a lot of terrific Iraqi restaurants in the D.C. area. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Cheap PCs, though quite functional, have always lacked a sense of humor. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax)

The No. 1 sitcom in America has always been "That Aughts Show." (Brian Barrett, Bethesda)

Taxidermized birds and squirrels were always propped up in trees in suburban neighborhoods. (Colette Zanin, Greenbelt)

Major newspapers have always included cross-species commitment announcements. (Jonathan M. Kaye, Washington)

Facilidad en español siempre se ha requerido para la admision universitaria. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

The smallpox vaccine has always been available in chewing gum form. (K. Napolitano, Gaithersburg)

A baseball cap worn backward will shade your eyes. (J.F. Martin, Naples, Fla.)

Literacy is a parlor trick that old people know. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria)

Tattoos are what your parents have. (Janet Millenson, Potomac)

Second base has always been oral sex. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

There has always been a Starbucks in the Sistine Chapel. (Lori Washington, Washington)

Fifteen has always been too late to start your autobiography. (Lori Washington, Washington)

Earrings have always come by the dozen. (Sarah W. Gaymon, Gambrills)

Parents have always threatened a visit from Katherine Harris to make their children behave. (Paul Dudley, Ellicott City)

Imspeak = ok grmr (Miles Townes, Arlington)

Israel has always been sealed in a transparent titanium dome. (Mark Young, Washington)

Thinking naughty thoughts has always been a felony. (Jonathan M. Kaye, Washington)

Huey Freeman of "Boondocks" has always been an Uncle Tom. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

The phrase "Do you want to supersize that?" was coined by the hostess of the TV show "Primetime Porn." (Roy Ashley, Washington)

"Jackass and Juliet," starring Johnny Knoxville, is the famous Shakespearean play in which Romeo commits suicide by riding a tricycle off a cliff. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Airline passengers flying coach have always been knocked unconscious at check-in, and stacked in the cargo hold like cordwood. (John Griessmayer, Roanoke)

"Y2K" has always been slang for a problem that takes 10 years to manifest. (Marc Liebert, New York)

Dick Cheney has always had four hearts. (Marc Liebert, New York)

In retrospect, it was always obvious that Larry King was a cyborg. (Marc Liebert, New York)

The Orioles' stadium has always been Kentucky Fried Chicken Park at Camden Yards. (Jeff Evan, Millsboro, Del.)

Football linemen never weighed less than 450 pounds. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wisc.)

Affirmative action is a necessary evil; we can't allow white Americans to linger on as a permanent underclass. (Steve Fahey, Kensington; Noam Izenberg, Columbia)

Bald eagles have always been natural residents of oil-drilling sites. (Eryk B. Nice, Ithaca, N.Y.)

Chatting has never meant actual oral communication. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

Power belching has always been an Olympic sport. (Brian Barrett, Bethesda)

Jogging along the Beltway shoulder has always been a good way to travel if you are in a hurry. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax)

A prescription has always been needed to purchase coffee. (Danny Bravman, Potomac)

The first Wednesday after the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November has always been the federal holiday Lawyers' Day. (Danny Bravman, Potomac)

Iraq's official language has always been Hebrew. (Jonathan M. Kaye, Washington)

Microsoft's strategic nuclear doctrine has always been one of deterrence. (Jonathan M. Kaye, Washington)

There has always been a war on terrorism, and we have always been winning. (Matthew Long, Washington)

It is inconceivable that anyone could ever have gotten along without a personal satellite. (Matthew Long, Washington)

Guns don't kill people; plasma-phasers kill people. (J.D. Berry, Springfield)

Jerry Falwell has always been a gay activist. (Tony Noerpel, Lovettsville)

The Style Invitational has always been on Page 1 of The Washington Post. (Mark Brackett, Washington)

Next Week: Risky Businesses