Week 474 CXLI: Alphabettering


The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.

This Week's Contest is based upon an ongoing National Public Radio contest to come up with an "elegant" sentence that uses each letter of the alphabet at least once, to replace the cliched example illustrated above. Now, we don't wish to tread on NPR's tastefully manicured toes, so we will amend our contest rules as such: Create a sentence that uses each letter of the alphabet at least once but that would never be heard on the politically correct, genteel, rarefied air of NPR. Maximum 50 letters; credit will be given for brevity. Here's a brilliant example, written by Washington Post art critic Paul Richard: Bravo, the Jew fixed my zip guns quickly! First-prize winner gets two jars of Trader Joe's Marionberry Spreadable Fruit, donated to The Style Invitational by Steve Offut of Arlington. (We always knew we could count on the erstwhile mayor to turn up in a jam.)

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 14. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland of Springfield.

Report from Week CXXXVII (470), in which we asked you to come up with and describe a commercial product containing a celebrity rhyme.

There were a plethora of entries, but relatively few good ones, in part because you kept trying to rhyme, say, "plethora" with "urethra." How tin were your ears? Here's one actual entry: "Regis Philbin Vitamin." Here's another: "Boris Yeltsin Gelatin."

Third Runner-up -- Hegel's Bagels: They control you, and even if you destroy them by eating them, in your very eating, they are controlling you. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

Second Runner-Up -- Susan McDougal Google: A search engine that allows you to hide documents rather than find them. (Wendy Chien, Palo Alto, Calif.)

First Runner-Up -- Ally McBeal Meal: One french fry and a ketchup packet full of Diet Pepsi. (Amanda Dausman, Olney)

And the winner of the coconut pocketbook: Yogi Pirogi: You'll like the filling because it's not filling. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

Honorable Mentions:

Rene Descartes Dart:I think, therefore I aim. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

Bob Hope Dope:Cocaine so strong it's strictly a one-liner. (Jack Held, Fairfax)

Traficant's Underpants:They're cut a little crooked, so you might get pinched. (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia)

Vanilla Ice Rice:A pale imitation of Uncle Ben's. (Mark Briscoe, Arlington)

Calista Flockhart's Pop-Tarts:When you've just gotta try to eat something, honey. (David L. Marsh, Reston)

Osama's Pajamas:Highly irritating. Induces extreme discomfort. Keeps you awake nights. (Cindy Lane Zorica, Montclair)

Job Robe:The full-body hairshirt. (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Liberace Hibachi:Dupont Circle version of the George Foreman grill. (John Griessmayer, Roanoke)

Dolly Parton Carton:Like a chest, only bigger. (John Griessmayer, Roanoke)

Bill Gates Dates:Pretty good, but not as good as apples. (John Griessmayer, Roanoke)

Allah Challah:Bread that is definitely not kosher. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)

Sylvester Stallone Cologne:It generally stinks up the joint, but on some occasions it reeks only a little. (Aaron Durst, Upper Marlboro)

Dr. Laura Torah:All the Leviticus with none of the compassion. (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.)

King Lear Beer:Available only in daft. (John O'Byrne, Dublin)

J. Edgar Hoover Louver:The versatile ventilation device that swings both ways. (Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.)

Jack Benny Penny:Pinched thinner than a dime. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Bob Dylan Penicillin:A folk remedy; administered nasally. (Malcolm Fleshner, Arlington)

Dorothy Parker Marker:Very sharp line, but runs out of ink after about 50 words. (Mitch Mularz, Aberdeen, Wash.)

Linda Lovelace Mace:Prevents men from coming onto you. (Kurt Riefner, Fairbanks, Alaska)

Catherine of Aragon Tarragon:Will not germinate seed in cooler climates. (Mitch Mularz, Aberdeen, Wash.)

Mick Jagger Dagger:No matter how old, it will never lose its edge. (Ruthie Edelman, Silver Spring)

Jimmy Carter Garter:A poor product that is too weak to do its job properly, but after you remove it you will find it useful for other things. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)

David Souter Computer:Lifetime warranty, but its internal logic can be baffling. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)