Week CXXX (463): Retell Sales


Ebenezer Scrooge was a hardworking businessman. His clerk, Bob Cratchit, complained constantly. He wanted "more holidays" and "more money." It never occurred to Cratchit to roll up his sleeves and do an honest day's work or go to night school and pull himself up by his bootstraps . . .

This Week's Contest was definitely not inspired by Mad magazine, which, being targeted at 15-year-old boys, is a far less respectable sort of product than the Style Invitational, which is targeted at 15-year-old boys and girls. Many years ago, Mad ran the above example of "A Christmas Carol" as retold by Ronald Reagan. Well, our contest is so different as to be an entire genre altogether: Give us the beginning of any well-known story as retold by any famous person, living or dead, except for Ronald Reagan. First-prize winner gets a brassiere-wearing stuffed gorilla doll that sings the macarena song.

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, July 29. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Seth Brown of Williamstown, Mass.

Report from Week CXXVI (459), in which we invited you to speculate on the nature of businesses based on their abbreviated Nasdaq and NYSE listings.

[diam]Fifth Runner-Up:QuakCty: A very low-cost HMO. (Jeff Martin, Gaithersburg)

[diam]Fourth Runner-Up:DowJns: Makers of dungarees that keep falling down no matter how much you tighten your belt. (Frank Mullen III, Heathsville)

[diam]Third Runner-Up:RuralCel: The country's leading retailer of string and tin cans. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

[diam]Second Runner-Up:FriedBR: Makers of the perfect snack for guys -- slices of fried beer. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

[diam]First Runner-Up: DeutTel: Publisher of unauthorized celebrity biographies. (Ken Advent, Parma, Ohio)

[diam]And the winner of "How to Win Pageants":

McMoRn: Trainer of all those stupid fast-food servers. (Mike Hammer, Arlington)

[diam]Honorable Mentions:

EbrasAero: Online lingerie store specializing in helium-filled support undergarments. (Karen Gilber, Columbia)

BurnPP: Manufacturer of home testing kit for bladder infections.

(Stephen Dudzik, Olney; Chris Doyle, Burke; Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Moodys: Manufactures PMS relief formula. (Lloyd Duvall, Roslyn, Pa.)

FEMSA: Organization of female geniuses. (Mike Hammer, Arlington)

JohnsnOut: Makers of specialty raincoats. (Bruce Johnson, Annapolis; Mike Hammer, Arlington)

Comverse, NikuCP and Pumatch: Makers of low-cost knockoff sneakers. (William Zamojcin, Vernon, Conn.)

IspatIntl: Spittoon manufacturer. (William Zamojcin, Vernon, Conn.)

StudLoan: Escort service. Also has a sister company: BJ Svc.

(William Zamojcin, Vernon, Conn.)

PlumCrk: Makers of low-riding jeans. (William Zamojcin, Vernon, Conn.)

ChemFinl: Baffled by the periodic table? Let one of our surrogate test takers handle that end-of-semester exam. (Frank Mullen III, Heathsville)

RentACtr: Temp agency for those specialized tasks requiring a centaur. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax)

CirCCar: Company pioneered the roving Mohelmobile. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)

PubStrg: Makers of thongs.

(Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Guidant: Trainer of service insects for the blind. (Greg Pearson, Arlington)

BorgWarn: Makes satellites to monitor for attacks by alien robots. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney; Greg Pearson, Arlington)

BPOP: Sperm bank franchises.

(Robin Diallo, Lilongwe, Malawi)

Brascan, BroadVisn: Competing makers of X-Ray Specs. (Jeff Martin, Gaithersburg; Frank Mullen III, Heathsville)

ConAgra: Makes the opposite of Viagra, for use in prisons. (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia; Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Diebold: Makes Viagra for extremely senior citizens.

(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Mandalay: Chain of escort services for women. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

PattUTI: Spittoon maker

(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Natuzzi: A venture started by the NRA to help get children interested in guns prior to birth. (Sugar Strawn and Jack Welsch, Alexandria)

Ashland: Developer of cremation theme parks. (Chris Doyle, Burke)

FriedBR: Company run by former stoners; even they are not quite sure what they do. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

BackWb: A chain of massage parlors that make you feel vewwy, vewwy nice. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Xanser: Supplies recorded dirty messages for phone answering machines. (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia)

Loudeye: A very confused company. (Bruce Johnson, Annapolis)

DiaOffs: Makers of quick-remove underpants for bathroom emergencies. (Kathy Couper, Palmyra)

Novartis: Swedish producer of anti-flatulence potion.

(David McAuley, McLean)

MBIA40: Maybe I Am 40, a plastic surgery chain.

(Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia)

ColMu: Colonel Mustard Inc., makers of candlesticks and lead pipes.

(Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia)

Heclam: Father-of-pearl jewelry.

(Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station)