Week CXII (445): Another Round of Bierce
Peace: n., in international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.
Politics: n., a strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
Bore: n., a person who talks when you want him to listen.
This Week's Contest was suggested by John O'Byrne of Dublin, Ireland. John proposes that we add a few entries to Ambrose Bierce's famous "Devil's Dictionary," items from which are reprinted above. Bierce (1842-1914) was one of the world's most fabulous cynics, and his is the model to follow. Define any words you wish with an unapologetic cynical slant. First-prize winner gets a genuine Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey clown mask and nose, a value of $ 30.
First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries are no longer accepted due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, March 25. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.
Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Joseph Romm of Washington.
Report From Week CVIII (441), in which we asked you to tell us the difference between any two nouns on Page A1 of that day's paper.
And no, we didn't know there was going to be a story about mammograms, a subject that appeared in more than a half of all submitted entries. Tom Witte of Gaithersburg wins a T-shirt for an entry a little too tasteless to print, in the sense that a Chevrolet Suburban with four-wheel drive is a little too big to fit in an egg cup.
[diam]Third Runner-Up: What is the difference between women's hockey and voluntary standards for corporate governance? The women still have a few teeth. (Milo Sauer, Fairfax)
[diam]Second Runner-Up: What is the difference between letters and the Winter Games? When the Winter Games are opened, people are HAPPY to see powder. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
[diam]First Runner-Up
What is the difference between figure skating and Bush campaign advisers? In figure skating, you go DIRECTLY to the judges for a tainted 5-4 vote.
(Steve Fahey, Kensington)
[diam]And the winner of the 1968 Democratic campaign bottle:
What is the difference between President Bush and major campaign contributors? Bush speaks of the axis of evil, while campaign contributors bespeak the evil of access. (Chris Doyle, Burke)
[diam]Honorable Mentions:
What is the difference between crosswords and Number One? You're allowed to do crosswords in the last half-hour of an airplane flight into Washington. (Chris Doyle, Burke)
The French judge vs. a breast: One is a world-class doofus, and the other is just an ordinary boob.
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
Gold bullion vs. long yawns: Yumpin' Yiminy, a good pair of long yawns keep you lots warmer than gold bullion, you betcha.
(Mike Edens, Charlottesville)
The Washington Post vs. a breast imaging specialist: It would be surprising if someone accused the breast imaging specialist of favoring the left. (Mark Young, Washington)
Food vs. a suicide bomb: They're alertly watching for food on the Metro. (Chris Doyle, Burke)
A mammogram vs. al Qaeda: Nothing -- they are both principals in the search for killer cells.
(Carl Nelson, Vienna)
The Washington Post vs. mammograms: In the case of mammograms, if you don't get it, you might get it.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
Details vs. Osama bin Laden: No difference, because the Devil is in both. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
The Winter Olympics vs. West Virginia: In the Winter Olympics, there's no Men's Loogie. (Chris Doyle, Burke)
A breast vs. a Marine: You can order a Marine to "fall out" and he will! (James Noble, Lexington Park, Md.)
Al Qaeda vs. Enron: The al Qaeda pension plan is better. (James Noble, Lexington Park, Md.)
Mammograms vs. figure skating judging: No difference -- both involve putting pressure on boobs.
(Linda Early, Washington; David Rizzo,
Centreville)
Women vs. Marines: After 50 years, the Marines still think there are a few good men to be found.
(Joe Harsel, Falls Church)
Donahue vs. president: One had sex with "That Girl." The other did not have sex with "that woman."
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Women vs. a bus: Nobody panics if the bus is a little late.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Details vs. debate: Details are what you cut off fish before you cook 'em, and debate is what you use to catch 'em. Don't you city folks know nothing?
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
Autumn vs. an oncologist: "Autumn" would be a good name for a stripper. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Women's hockey vs. Enron: Only one can give you a legal check.
(John Bauer, Gaithersburg)
Figure skating vs. a presidential election: In figure skating, there is less spinning. (Chris Doyle, Burke)
Pharaohs vs. intelligence officers: Intelligence officers spend their time encrypting, and pharaohs spend their time in crypts. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
washingtonpost.com vs. dark country roads: It is easier to navigate dark country roads. (Mike Genz, La Plata)
Cold metal vs. mortality: You can't lick either one. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Anger vs. Capitol Hill: One never solves anything, and the other is an emotion. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
A billiard room vs. manners: In a billiard room, you can scratch.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
The pyramids vs. the United States Congress: One is the final resting place for mummified corpses, and the others are in Egypt.
(Paula LaFemina, Smithsburg, Md.)
The Taliban vs. diamonds: Diamonds are a girl's best friend.
(Art Grinath, Takoma Park)
Newspapers vs. a cold Carolina night: Nothing -- you don't want to be caught naked in either one.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
A breast vs. PBS: A breast appeals to males age 18 to 34.
(Sue Lin Chong, Washington)
A network vs. mammography: A network keeps one abreast of the news, while mammography gives one news of the breast.
(Howard Walderman, Columbia)
Taxpayers vs. a horse: There's a limit to how much you can saddle a horse with. (Seth Brown, Williamstown, Mass.)