Week CVII (440): Picture This


This Week's Contest: What is going on in these cartoons? Choose one or more. First-prize winner gets a can of slug chowder and two moose-poop swizzle sticks, donated to the Style Invitational by Seamus Kennedy of Arnold, Md. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries have been canceled due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 18. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.

Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Thos. Witte of Gaithersburg.

Report from Week XCVII (430), in which we asked you to take any contest from the past and supply an answer that would have pleased the beloved if somewhat starchy and rectitudinous Washington Post ombudsman.

[diam]Third Runner-Up (for a contest inviting readers to speculate on the nature of "Ginger," at the time a still-secret but much-ballyhooed invention):

Rampant speculation is no substitute for patient, diligent, responsible, plodding, tedious, "unsexy" though necessary journalism. If the Style Invitational staff had done its homework, it would have waited to learn that "Ginger" -- or the Segway, as it is really known -- is a self-balancing, one-person electric-powered people mover. The readership of this newspaper would be better served by self-balancing editors. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

[diam]Second Runner-Up (for a contest seeking Rodney Dangerfieldisms): I don't get no respect. Possibly it is because of my grammar. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

[diam]First Runner-Up (for a contest seeking epitaphs for the still living):

The Post Ombudsman: "A tombstone is an inappropriate place for humor." (Larry Cynkin, Kensington)

[diam]And the winner of the Grandpa Pig flatulence doll

(for a Very Bad Poetry contest):

Fie, profane Scribe! Foe of the Chaste!
Hierarch of Style's shrine to ungood taste!
Why necesse the fair bosom'd lass and stout-chested swain
-- Your Readers! -- to suffer nonce the Blush of Shame?

Run away, sturdy man and comely virtuous maid,
Flee the unseemly Sunday levity, for which I now upbraid
The foul Czar, speared thus by bold Ombudsman's pen!
Beat it, jerko, and don't show your stupid face again.

(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

[diam]Honorable Mentions:

Jokes based on sounds: What goes "poop poop poop poop poop"? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Air quotes: E"rot"ica: All that sexual rubbish that has no place in a quality newspaper. (Mark Young, Washington)

"Tramp"oline: A bouncer who dresses like Charlie Chaplin. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

Signs you are watching too much TV: You begin to berate yourself, and rightfully so, for neglecting your family. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Jeopardy!: Answer: "Gimme an I! Gimme an R! Gimme an S!" Question: What are three examples of a slovenly use of a contraction? (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

You can tell someone is lazy if . . . He or she fails to make every possible effort to contact more than one source for a story. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Useless products: Pornography. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Collective nouns: A decorum of ombudsmen. (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Signs you are overusing the cell phone:

You find yourself using it while driving, a potential safety hazard that you deplore in others. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Lessons learned from going to the dentist: Gingivitis may sound funny, but it is no laughing matter. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Bad ideas for toys:

Questionable Ethics Barbie. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Baby's First Digitally Altered Picture Book. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

New Crayola colors: Complex Shades of Gray. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Hyphen the Terrible: Thigh-man: A fellow who enjoys the dark meat of chicken. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)