Week CVI (439): No Can Do


Sign of an incompetent terrorist: He tries to fax you anthrax.

Sign of an incompetent kidnapper: He grabs Vanilla Ice for ransom.

Sign of an incompetent hip-hop artist: Raps about "getting more cuddle time" with his hos.

Sign of an incompetent kamikaze pilot: "Toga! Toga! Toga!"

Sign of an incompetent inventor: He's trying to build a better mouse.

This week's contest: Signs of incompetence. First-prize winner gets a genuine Redskins mug celebrating the Super Bowl XXII championship team. It's worth $ 15. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com.U.S. mail entries have been canceled due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, Feb. 11. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.

Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Burke.

Report from Week XCIV (427), a contest that ran in November, in which we asked you to come up with things that are less likely to occur than the Redskins winning the Super Bowl.

Intriguingly, more than 20 people offered some variation of: "Washington actually getting a baseball team some time between now and the Heat Death of the Universe."

[diam]Fourth Runner-Up: "Wow! These X-Ray Specs really work!" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

[diam]Third Runner-Up: Someone, somewhere, buys premium gas for a rental car. (Greg Arnold, Herndon)

[diam]Second Runner-up: Kathleen Kennedy Townsend drops her middle name for her run at the Maryland governorship, because "it is shorter." (Steve Fahey, Kensington)

[diam]First runner-up: Tom Ridge defeats Osama bin Laden in a knife fight atop the Statue of Liberty, which ends with bin Laden falling over the side. However, Ridge grabs his wrist and explains that he'd like to let Osama die but that in America we believe in due process. Then he slaps the cuffs on. (Mike Elliott, Oberlin, Ohio)

[diam]And the winner of the Dalmatian toilet brush holder:

Timothy McVeigh Middle School. (Sarah W. Gaymon, Gambrills)

[diam]Honorable Mentions:

Jodie Foster comes to realize John Hinckley is actually kind of sexy. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Thousands of American men get bored with the Civil War and become Y2K reenactors instead. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Geraldo returns from Afghanistan, explaining, "I'm afraid of gunfire."

(John Held, Fairfax)

My wife, a teacher, signs a 10-year, $ 252 million contract. (Ranald Totten, Kill Devil Hills, N.C.)

I will watch a Britney Spears video in order to enjoy her firm, full, round, bouncy and youthful singing voice.

(Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

Elton John does a version of "Candle in the Wind" after Osama dies. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Sly Stallone stars in "The Oscar Wilde Story." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Don and Mike win a MacArthur genius grant. (Drew Knoblauch, Falls Church)

The pope declares the pointy miter "bogus" and starts wearing baseball caps. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Mayor Williams inaugurates the "Adopt-a-Rat" program. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Kosher pigs fly into Hell and drop in a snowball that doesn't melt at all! (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

Mike Tyson has a fender bender with O.J. Simpson. They get out, apologize profusely, politely exchange insurance information and offer to pay for the repairs. (Adam J. Reese, Silver Spring)

France adopts English as its native language. (John R. Junker, Manassas)

Congress passes, and the president signs, a law making it illegal for anyone who has made a political contribution to be appointed an ambassador. (David Funkhouser, Rockville)

An American is able to come up with the name of three professional bicycle racers. (Michael Cohen, Washington)

Toni Morrison calls Dubya "the second black president." (Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia)

The National Enquirer wins the Pulitzer Prize for "MICHAEL JACKSON CANCER SCARE." (Sarah W. Gaymon, Gambrills)

Michael Crichton writes a book that is completely unfilmable. (Mark Young, Washington)

In her annual Christmas address, Queen Elizabeth calls Osama bin Laden "a real pantload."

(Sarah W. Gaymon, Gambrills)

An appliance repairman actually shows up at 8:05 instead of 3:58 in the 8-4 time window.

(Bev Barth, Prince Frederick, Md.)

Oprah AND Woody Allen figure themselves out. (D.C. Hauser, New York)

You are delightfully debt-free as a result of your debt consolidation loan. (John C. Muehl, Springfield)

The Czar prints one of hundreds of entries reading: "Me, winning this contest." (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)

The Czar admits that I have been blackmailing him for years. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)