Week XCII: Hyphen the Terrible


Christ-loween -- A solemn religious holiday in which people beg for candy while

dressed up as their favorite deity.

Unfortu-mannered -- Given to high-decibel belching, wiping one's nose on

tablecloths, etc.

High-panion -- A poor choice for designated driver.

This Week's Contest: Take the first half of any hyphenated word from any story in today's newspaper and combine it with the second half of any other hyphenated word in the same story, and propose a definition of the new word you've created. Make sure you tell us which story you are using. (The examples above came from today's Miss Manners column.) First-prize winner gets a battery-operated Mr. Potato Head doll, which seems to make as much sense as a battery-operated potato. It's worth $ 30.

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries have been canceled due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 5. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.

Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Burke.

REPORT FROM WEEK LXXXVIII (421), in which we asked you to explain the actual unexpected identities of seven deceptively common-looking objects.

We wish to extend our thanks to the several readers who, without apparent irony, identified these items as a stick of butter, a hypodermic, a keyhole, a die, Chinese takeout, a razor blade and a roll of toilet paper. The Weekly Reader will be sending you your prizes shortly. Many people wickedly saw Cartoon C as the sign on the ladies' room door at Amputees Anonymous.

[diam]Third Runner-Up: (Cartoon B) This magical beast can turn from horse to monkey. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

[diam]Second Runner-Up: (Cartoon F) Gary Condit's chest X-ray after he swallowed yet another watch. (Andrea D. Connell, Arlington)

[diam]First Runner-Up: (Cartoon D) A prostitute in Lego Land. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

[diam]And the winner of the New Jersey commemorative plate: (Cartoon D) After the tragic accident with the trash compactor, there were only 100 Dalmatians. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

[diam]Honorable Mentions:

Cartoon A

Carving the very special Thanksgiving Tofu Turkey. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Corporate Headquarters, Land O' Lakes Inc. (Kelley Hoffman, Fairfax)

Ford Motor Co. finally complies with rollover standards by designing trucks without wheels. (Faye Dorsey, Manassas)

Cartoon B

Seeking its own revenge, New York City sends the Empire State Building hurtling toward Kabul. (Michael Althaus, Silver Spring)

President Bush agrees to fund a needle exchange program -- but only for syringes with the new reduced- size plunger. (Jeff Greenspan, Annandale)

Cartoon C

It was the last thing Ralph saw after stumbling face-forward onto the ball return. (James Noble, Lexington Park, Md.; Larry Furst, Woodland Hills, Calif.)

This image was submitted as a centerfold photo for the Taliban Monthly Review, but was rejected for its prurience. (Gene Gross, Fairfax)

What old keys dream of at night. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Transamerica Pyramid meets Goodyear Blimp. Transamerica Pyramid wins. (Richard A. Creasy, Winchester, Va.)

Hitler wearing a clown nose. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Frame 2 of the Baskin-Robbins Power Point presentation to new employees, "Ice Cream Do's & Don'ts." (Cynthia M. Barlow, Manchester, Conn.)

Cartoon D

After hours of persistent twisting, Charlton Heston's Rubik's Cube meets an untimely end. (David Moore, Bowie)

HMO medical-option icon, also known as "die." (Richard A. Creasy, MD, Winchester, Va.)

Seurat tries his hand at cubism. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Captain Hook appears to have had trouble getting his ice out of the tray. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

An outhouse that can be adjusted from one hole to six. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Cartoon E

The Tomb of the Unknown Cat. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

This Halloween, parents are encouraged to search for suspicious candy, such as caramels with huge panes of glass sticking out of them. (Jessica Henig, Takoma Park)

A large, covered petri dish for fungal and bacterial experiments. At least that's what this is in MY refrigerator. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Purse by Givenchy (shown actual size): $ 3,500. (Leslie Hughes, Dilwyn, Va.; Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

The attache case of Condoleezza Rice. (Russell Beland, Arlington)

The Social Security lockbox. Once you dip into it, you want to do it again an hour later. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Cartoon F

Early in her pregnancy, Mrs. Perot captured this ultrasound image. (James Noble, Lexington Park)

A one-way ticket to Hell. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

The logo for that ill-fated HBO spinoff, "The Castratos." (Tom Campbell, Chicago)

Cartoon G

An opened can of cartoon eyeballs. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Christo wraps the Washington Monument. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

Though it proved quite effective, the new masonry prophylactic never became very popular. (James Noble, Lexington Park)

Adding a "chewy-chocolaty center" to rolls of Charmin did little to improve sales. (James Noble, Lexington Park)

It would take centuries for early man to realize that it would work much better on the curved side. (James Noble, Lexington Park)

A confused marshmallow who is wearing a yarmulke AND holding rosary beads. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Cartoons F and G

Despite the infomercials, sales remained flat for the Home Hemorrhoid Remover. (Samuel F. Hepford, Washington)