Week XC (423): Roling With Laughter


1. If the Munchkin from the Lollipop Guild in "The Wizard of Oz" had played Rick in "Casablanca," the movie would have surpassed even "Rocky Horror" in cult classic status.

2. If Dumbo had played Thelma in "Thelma and Louise," the end wouldn't have been at all tragic.

3. If Hannibal Lecter had played Andre in "My Dinner With Andre," the movie would have been over in four minutes.

This Week's Contest was suggested by Bill Spencer of Exeter, N.H. Bill suggests that you take a character from one movie, use him or her to replace a character in a second movie, and then explain how this change would affect the second movie. First-prize winner gets an antique can of South Carolina Potted Possum, a value of $ 15.

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XC, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 22. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.

Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Stephen Dudzik of Olney.

REPORT FROM WEEK LXXXVI (419), in which we asked you to come up with Rodney Dangerfieldisms.

The Czar, not noted for his modesty, nonetheless decided there was one person more qualified than he to judge this contest. He phoned Rodney Dangerfield at his home in Los Angeles and read him the 20 finalist entries. As Rodney was about to select his favorites, his friend Bob Saget walked in. (You think we are making this up. We are not.) And so Rodney performed them for Bob. ("He's laughin', baby" Rodney reported. "Dese are all funny, y'know?") And yes, Rodney Dangerfield relaxing at home sounds exactly like Rodney Dangerfield popeyed and sweating onstage.

[diam]Fourth Runner-Up: At home, I don't get no respect. My wife tells me she wants to make a kid. I says, "You're too old to make another kid." She says, "No, I mean the kid next door." (Chris Doyle, Burke)

[diam]Third Runner-Up: This lady, she's so ugly she don't get no respect. She has to hand out whistles to construction workers. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

[diam]Second Runner-Up: My wife don't give me no respect. I say, "Let's have sex like animals." She says, "Okay, I'll be a possum." (Chris Doyle, Burke)

[diam]First Runner-Up: I go out, I don't get no respect. I say to the bartender, "Gimme the strongest thing you got." His bouncer beats me up! (Mark Young, Washington)

[diam]And the winner of travel and face-lift books:

In bed, I don't get no respect. My wife's favorite position is back-to-back. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

[diam]Honorable Mentions:

As a kid, when I went trick-or-treating, our neighbors didn't bother with apples. They just handed me a razor blade. (Lawrence P. McGuire, Waldorf)

When I played cowboys and Indians as a kid, I always had to be the post the cowboys tied their horses to. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City)

When I called my OB-GYN for an appointment, he said, "How about you just describe yourself over the phone." (Judith E. Cottrill, New York)

I joined the Optimists Club and within a week they had all committed suicide. (Debra J. Gravelle, Cornwall-on-Hudson, N.Y.)

Melissa Etheridge passed up my sperm for David Crosby's. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

Even hookers want to know why we can't "just be friends." (Ray Aragon and Cynthia Coe, Bethesda)

The tollbooth operator told me to take my business elsewhere. (Howard Walderman, Columbia)

My computer won't let me turn it off until it says so. (Mark Young, Washington)

When I take my dog out, he walks behind me carrying the little plastic bag. (Andrea Kelly, Brookeville)

As a kid, I got lost at the beach. I asked a cop if he could help me find my mom and dad. He said, "I dunno, kid, there are a lotta places they can hide." (Bill Gardner, Fairfax)

I asked Kevorkian for help. He mailed me a noose. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

My wife and I tried group sex. The group had sex with my wife. (Chris Doyle, Burke)

My wife says I should get in touch with my feminine side. I guess that's because she won't let me get in touch with HER feminine side. (Chris Doyle, Burke)

Matt Drudge considers me unreliable. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

My dog tries to roll in me. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

When I turn on AOL it says, "Welcome. You've got a weak chin." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Lawyers tell jokes about me. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon)

When I was a kid, the crossing guard at my school gave me a blindfold and told me to Use the Force. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

AOL wants its disk back. (Bob and Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

My wife told me to pick up condoms on the way home. I've had a vasectomy. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Ray Romano called the other day. He doesn't want me to love him. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

When I go to restaurants, waiters make me spit in my own iced tea. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

I got a letter from Publishers Clearing House saying, "No way in hell you could be a winner." (Craig McGowan, Liverpool, N.Y.)

When my patients come into the examining room, they ask the nurse for rubber gloves. (Stephen Fahey, MD, Kensington)

They only print my name in parentheses. (Russell Beland, Springfield)