Week LXXXVI (419): Don't Spare the Rodney
I tell you, I don't get no respect.
Even lepers won't shake my hand.
I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
When I was a kid I got no respect. One time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note: "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."
This Week's Contest was proposed by Bruce W. Alter of Fairfax Station. Bruce lifted the lines above from Rodney Dangerfield's Web site. Your challenge this week is to come up with other indications that one might not be getting no respect. First-prize winner gets two books: "The Worst-Case Scenario Travel Survival Handbook," featuring advice on such things as how to escape from the trunk of a car, how to jump from rooftop to rooftop, how to cross a piranha-infested river, and how to control a runaway camel. The second book is "Welcome to Your Facelift," c. 1997, by socialite Helen Bransford. Helen discloses that she decided on this surgery shortly after her husband, the famous twit novelist Jay McInerney, interviewed Julia Roberts, and she (Helen) felt threatened. Not long after she had her face sheared off, stretched out and sewn back on to please him, Jay and Helen split up.
First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LXXXVI, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 24. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.
Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Russell Beland of Springfield.
REPORT FROM WEEK LXXXII (415), in which we asked you to take any line appearing in that day's Post, and invent a question that it answers.
We offer no apologies for the imbalance in the distribution of winning entries. There is a reason for it. You will find more books by Charles Dickens in the library than books by you. There's a reason for that, too.
[diam]Fourth Runner-Up --
Line from The Post:
Does this guy club baby seals?
Question it answers: What is thought to be the litmus test for a political appointment in Bush's Interior Department?
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
[diam]Third Runner-Up --
Line from The Post: I don't need that long.
Question it answers: What is a poor response to give when your date claims it is too late to invite you up to her apartment?
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
[diam]Second Runner-Up --
Line from The Post: Our first courses were artfully composed salads, including Stilton cheese and roasted apricots.
Question it answers: Dear Post food critic, what gave it away that you were receiving preferential treatment while trying to review the F Street Popeye's?
(Drew Knoblauch, Falls Church)
[diam]First Runner-Up --
Line from The Post: It is way over.
Question it answers: How does Monica describe her relationship with the former president?
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
[diam]And the winner of the plate with terrible likenesses of the presidents:
Line from The Post: We gain information, via photons, of distant objects.
Question it answers: How does Al Gore challenge the notion that he is too wooden and remote, and that he lacks vision?
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
[diam]Honorable Mentions:
For about three days I kept expecting to have convulsions and then suddenly explode.
How did you feel when you ate your new wife's first home-cooked meal?
(Penny Barker, Alexandria)
Leesburg is considering building a second.
Is it true that many rural towns don't have flush toilets?
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
According to the 2000 Census, Latinos made up 2.8 percent of its population.
How did the small town of Latinos, Ga., attempt to increase the amount of federal aid it received?
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
The appalling Sidney Farte, owner of the local bait store, has perfected the use of projectile vomiting as a weapon.
What would be a great sentence to find in Book World the week The Style Invitational runs its "Sentence Us to Death" contest?
(Dave Zarrow, Herndon)
. . . Thomas Jefferson looks like Mamie Eisenhower.
Recently there has been some surprising news about Thomas Jefferson's descendants. Can you cite some evidence for some even more unexpected ancestral connection?
(Carolyn Bassing, Takoma Park)
The infestation runs almost up to Dallas.
Where do most Garth Brooks fans live?
(G. Daly, Dallas)
The snowball has already started to roll, and unless he can do some fancy dancing, he doesn't stand much chance . . .
What are Frosty the Snowman's chances in the National Downhill Skiing Championship?
(Frank Calogero, Jefferson, Ga.)
Included in his country estate are cathedral windows and an indoor pool.
Describe the house Bill Gates built for his dog.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
We cleared the bottleneck at Springfield.
What is the new, updated version of the expression "We cleaned the Augean stables"?
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Florence Henderson was riddled with bullets as she cooked and sang in a sitcom kitchen.
Describe a good day in Hell.
(Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia)
Your conscience is talking to you, clap, clap, clap.
What is an example of your conscience warning you about the hazards of promiscuous sex?
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Your haircut is free if we speak first.
What is a sign on the wall of the Ellen Jamesian barbershop?
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
And she gave me three pubic hairs.
Can you explain to the committee one more time, Judge Thomas, about your true love on that third day of Christmas?
(Chris Doyle, Burke; Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
It's great practice for the rest of marriage.
What do you think of my fiancee's idea to make the wedding night more special by abstaining from sex for a month?
(Drew Knoblauch, Falls Church)
We put beers in it to stay cold -- a mysteriously satisfying way to store beverages.
If Dr. Laura has a heart, what purpose could it possibly serve?
(Drew Knoblauch, Falls Church)
Today was a great day for scoring.
What was Bill Clinton's take on Hillary's first day of campaigning?
(Steve Fahey, Kensington)
I've told my mom, but do I need to call the police, or what?
What did George W. Bush ask Dick Cheney when Jenna told him she had used a fake ID to get drinks at a bar?
(Sally Fasman, Washington)
What hurts most is having to keep it all inside.
What is the worst part of a barium enema?
(Frank Calogero, Jefferson, Ga.)
I'm not trying to jump to conclusions.
What code phrase does a writer use to indicate he is about to jump to a conclusion?
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
I'm with that.
What would be a good slogan for a T-shirt worn by a companion of Gary Condit?
(Russell Beland, Springfield)