Week LXXXV (418): Xtreme Invitational


Sign you are spending too much time at work:

You think that putting headlights on a lawn mower might be a great idea.

Signs you are spending too much time:

(1) at work; (2) watching TV; (3) on your cell phone; (4) online

This Week's Contest was suggested by Greg Arnold of Herndon: Come up with signs you are overdoing it in any of the categories above. First-prize winner gets a handsome brass and velvet award from the police department of Bangladesh, a value of $ 75. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LXXXV, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Sept. 17. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.

Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Stephen Dudzik of Olney.

REPORT FROM WEEK LXXXI (414), in which we asked you to create new, nasty rhetorical questions in the form of the classic put-down "Is that your face, or did your neck just puke?"

This week, a Style Invitational first: We have judged the contest, and selected four runners-up and a winner. But we aren't telling you what they are. This was an idea submitted by James H. Cochrane of Falls Church, who contends that we always choose the wrong winners. James challenged us to withhold our choices, ask the readers' opinions, and then do a statistical analysis afterward, using spreadsheets and standard deviations and such, to gauge the disparity between popular sentiment and the Czar's autocratic rule. So that's what we're doing. We have hermetically sealed our choices in a capsule under the supervision of someone whose relative works for Pricewaterhouse. You have one week to fax or e-mail us your choices for the four runners-up and the winner. (You cannot vote for your own entry.) Fax to 202-334-4312; e-mail to losers@washpost.com. Put VOTE in the subject field.) And in the end, we will publish the democratically chosen selections of our beloved readers, beside the selection of one individual, The Czar. The Czar's choices, of course, will be the official ones.

[diam]Winners, Runners-Up and Honorable Mentions:

Is that your final answer, or are you still holding out hope that a brain will suddenly grow at the end of your spinal cord?

(Mike Connaghan, Alexandria)

Is that your dog, or shall I call an exterminator?

(Greg Pearson, Arlington)

Is that your cooking, or has the prison cafeteria started doing takeout?

(Greg Pearson, Arlington)

Is that your president, or did the Supreme Court just puke?

(Tom Campbell, Chicago)

Is that your taste in art, or was one of those sofa-size crying clowns just too darn expensive?

(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Is that your waistline, or are you smuggling illegal immigrants in your pants?

(Jessica Henig, Takoma Park)

Is that your nose, or are you just glad to smell me?

(Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

Is that your carefully considered position on the inconclusiveness of the scientific evidence of global warming and the dwindling supply of petroleum reserves, or your SUV?

(John Muehl, Springfield)

Is that your real age, or have we abandoned the use of Earth years?

(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Is that a snapshot of your wife at the beach, or has the Mars Polar Lander finally started sending back pictures?

(Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax)

Is that your paycheck, or your share of the tip?

(Cathy Shapleigh, Reston)

Is this your regular job, or did the judge give you community service?

(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Is that your toupee, or did you just lose a Silly String battle?

(Stephen Dudzik, Olney)

Is that your necktie, or did your girlfriend let go of your leash?

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Is that your boyfriend, or does your pimp drive a Geo?

(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Is that your wife, or did you try your hand at ice sculpture?

(Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Is that your engagement ring, or did a chunk of glass get embedded in your fist during a Ladies Night brawl at the tractor pull?

(Sandra Hull, Arlington)

Is that your actual weight, or did you fill out your driver's license form while tethered to a blimp?

(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Is that your column, or did the million chimps in the typing pool call in sick last week?

(Sandra Hull, Arlington)

Is that your face or a Xerox of somebody else's?

(Christine Gerbode, Houston)

Is that your car, or is this the day you leave the recycling at the curb?

(David Kleinbard, Jersey City, N.J.)

Is that really the color of your eyes, or did your snot back up on you?

(Judith Cottrill, Bronx, N.Y.)

Is that your engagement ring, or one of them fancy Band-Aids?

(Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Is that your wedding dress, or did you decide to wear the garment bag instead?

(Sandra Hull, Arlington)

Is that your biological clock ticking, or at your age does one's pacemaker get noisy?

(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Is that your PMS talking, or are you always a shrew?

(The late Russell Beland, Springfield)