Week LXXVI (409): Nice Job, if You Get It
Old Name: Malignant Tumor
New Name: Personal Growth
Old Name: East St. Louis
New Name: West Cincinnati
Old Name: Pit Bull
New Name: Flesh Poodle
This Week's Contest was suggested by Bruce W. Alter of Fairfax Station, who pointed out that the state of North Dakota is considering changing its name to just "Dakota," to make it sound less cold and barren, and thus more inviting to tourists. This seems like a swell idea that need not be limited to states. Take anything that might need its image enhanced -- place, person, event, whatever -- and rename it in a way that keeps its essential identity, but makes it seem, y'know, nicer. First-prize winner gets an unused box of 1984 Christmas cards from the National Republican Senatorial Committee. This is worth $ 20.
First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LXXVI, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, July 16. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring.
REPORT FROM WEEK LXXII (405), in which we asked you to take any word, put a portion of it in "air quotes" and redefine the word.
[diam]Fifth Runner-Up: M"ick" Jagger: A 60-year-old in spandex. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
[diam]Fourth Runner-Up: T"rent" Lott: A politician who has not entirely sold out. (Mary Lou French, Lorton; Ted Einstein, Silver Spring)
[diam]Third Runner-Up: S"laughter": Stop! You're killing me! (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
[diam]Second Runner-Up: Con"nip"tion: What Secret Service agents throw if you have just one teensy-weensy little drinky-poo. (J. and B. Bush, Austin; Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
[diam]First Runner-Up: H"airball": What you throw up when you are choking. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
[diam]And the winner of the genuine hair shirt:
Di"agnostic"ian: This doctor is just not sure what you've got.
(Steve Fahey, Kensington)
[diam]Honorable Mentions:
Fem"me fat"ale: The transformation made by a changing-room mirror. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
Jim Jef"fords": One who crosses from one side to the other, against a current. (Hamdi Akar, Broad Run)
Y"ale": Playground for presidents and their offspring. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)
Far"RV"egnugen: Gas-guzzling. (Ray Ratajczak, Arbutus)
Donald T"rump": Donald Trump. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
"Neigh"bor: That horse's ass next door. (Chris Doyle, Burke)
Ou"thou"se: That little shed behind the Quaker meeting hall. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
"Fab"rication: A rave movie review written by someone who doesn't exist. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
"ATM"osphere: That uneasy feeling when you're withdrawing money and someone is standing too close behind you. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
C"had": How Gore felt after the election. (John Held, Fairfax)
"Brassier"e: A bolder look in women's undergarments. (Ted Einstein, Silver Spring)
A"me"rica: America. (Brian Foster, Fairfax; Russell Beland, Springfield)
P"resident": A person whose only readily apparent qualification for being the leader of a country is that he resides in a big white house. (Beth Baniszewski, Columbia)
Infi"deli"ty: When you catch your spouse at a meat market. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
La"goon": A place to sleep with the fishes. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
"Bran"son, Mo.: A town very popular with seniors. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)
"Gall"o: The nerve to bring cheap wine. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)
"Cell"ulite: Describes the condition wherein a thin person is trapped inside a fat person's body. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.)
Hoi "poll"oi: All those stupid people Gallup calls instead of me. (Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.)
Choc"ho"late: A substance some women will do anything for. (Mary Lou French, Lorton)
Con"DUI"t: The road home from the bar. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Immi"grants": Foreigners who come to America looking for a handout from our government. (Rush Limbaugh, New York; Mary Lou French, Lorton)
"Pa"ternity: The painfully long time between the birth and the court-ordered blood test. (Chris Doyle, Burke)
Lu"men": A measure of dimness. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)
Ro"man"ce: Nice shoes. Let's have sex. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)
Hu"bris": The belief that one is a cut above everyone else. (Chris Doyle, Burke)
Or"gas"m: A ruined intimate moment. (Julie Brinkman, Gaithersburg)
"Barf"ly: A certain type of guy who tries to pick you up at a drinking establishment. (Howard Walderman, Columbia)
Ca"nada": A place where there is nothing to do. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
"Chia"nti: Wine that will grow hair on your chest. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Uncomfor"table": Describing the lethal-injection gurney in Terre Haute. (Chuck Piasecki, Wheaton)
Phil"and"erer: A guy for whom just one woman isn't enough. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Au"toe"roticism: Fetishism for one's own feet. (Chris Doyle, Burke)
Vichy"SS"oise: The soup Nazi's special blend. (Chris Doyle, Burke)
S"cat"ology: Kitty porn. (Chris Doyle, Burke)
Style In"vita"tional: Something you should not include on a résumé. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
H"um"or: Jokes that fall flat. (Lloyd Duvall, Roslyn, Pa.))
Ho"meow"ner: The feline who rules the abode. (John Drummond, Alexandria)
Carb"uncle": An unwanted appendage the Czar had removed. (Hamdi Akar, Broad Run; Jerry Dunietz and Penni Meador, Rockville)
[diam]The Mary Ann Madden Memorial Highfalutin Pick:
"Biopsy"chosocial: Purporting to be a modern broad approach, it's just the same old narrow approach to patient care. (Bob Gillman, Chevy Chase)