Week LXXIII (406): Bum Steerage


A kid heading off to summer camp.

A guy about to buy his first new car.

A boy about to go on his first date.

Newlyweds who have just had their first fight.

A senior singles club about to pick a theme for its dinner dance.

George W. Bush about to deal with a Democratic Senate.

This week's contest: Offer some spectacularly bad advice to any of the above people. First-prize winner gets proof that there is hope for civilization. It comes in the form of a small item that was stolen from The Czar's desk, and remained missing for four days, despite many plaintive e-mailed entreaties for its return, no questions asked. For four days, the Czar was in despair, worried that our society was doomed if anyone could stoop to stealing an item such as this. Well, on the fifth day The Czar arrived at work and found a slip of paper on his chair, unsigned. It said: "The dog is in your third drawer." It was. With hope renewed for his nation, The Czar announces that this week's first prize is a little toy West HighlandWhite terrier that farts when you squeeze it. It is priceless.

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LXXIII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, June 25. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. The revised title for next week's contest is by Phyllis Kepner of Columbia.

REPORT FROM WEEK LXIX (402), in which we asked you to explain the difference between any two items in a list we provided.

[diam]Sixth Runner-Up: The difference between Robert Hanssen, Master Spy, and the human navel is that with Hanssen, the fuzz trapped him.

(Brett Parchert, Alexandria)

[diam]Fifth Runner-Up:

The difference between intimations of mortality and Eminem is that intimations of mortality mean that you're getting old and clueless, and Eminem is a delightful little candy.

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

[diam]Fourth Runner-Up:

The difference between an apology to China and the Baltimore Orioles is that only one is truly sorry. (Chris Kaufman, Glenn Dale)

[diam]Third Runner-Up:

There is no difference between William J. Clinton and pizza-scented shampoo. They both drive Monica Lewinsky wild. (Frank O'Rourke, Austin, Tex.)

[diam]Second Runner-Up:

The difference between Robert Hanssen and William J. Clinton is that one tried to get his girlfriend to say Our Fathers, while the other preferred Who's Your Daddy? (Mark Young, Washington)

[diam]First Runner-Up:

The difference between intimations of mortality and performance anxiety is that with intimations of mortality, you're concerned about going too soon.

(Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

[diam]And the winner of the combination bath oil and floor wash:

The difference between a catfish and Robert Hanssen is that if you dropped a catfish on the desk of the FBI director, after a couple of weeks, he'd probably notice something fishy. (Jim W. Pond, Holliston, Mass.)

[diam]Honorable Mentions:

The difference between Eddie Gootchy Gatchy Gamma Tostinara Tostinoca Samma Kamma Wacky Brown and an apology to China is that Eddie Gootchy Gatchy Gamma Tostinara Tostinoca Samma Kamma Wacky Brown is easier to choke out. (Trent Tschirgi, Elkridge; Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

There is no difference between the Baltimore Orioles and Robert Hanssen. They both got screwed by Freeh agents. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington; Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

The difference between the Orioles and William J. Clinton is that Clinton's suicide squeeze wore a dress from the Gap. (James Winebrake, Harrisonburg, Va.)

The difference between laser eye surgery and Robert Hanssen is that after laser eye surgery, your contacts don't claim they never heard of you. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

The difference between laser eye surgery and Eminem is that not everyone experiences irritation from laser eye surgery. (Niels Hoven, Camperdown, Australia)

The difference between laser eye surgery and intimations of mortality is that with laser eye surgery, it is your depth perception that improves. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

The difference between six hamsters in a burlap sack and William J. Clinton is that the hamsters probably weren't trying to get in the sack. (Chris Doyle, Burke; Elliott Schiff, Orefield, Pa.)

The difference between large men in leotards doing squat thrusts and six hamsters in a burlap sack is that the large men are likely to get an NEA grant for dance, whereas the hamsters are more likely to get one for visual arts. (William M. Powell, San Miguel de Allende, Mexico)

The difference between William J. Clinton and performance anxiety is that William J. Clinton is more embarrassing. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

The difference between William J. Clinton and six hamsters in a burlap sack is that the hamsters know they have a problem. (Carl Bixel, Cincinnati)

The difference between large men in leotards doing squat thrusts and William J. Clinton is that one tests the limits of fabric, and the other the fabric of limits. (Walter Tendler, San Diego)

The difference between Eminem and William J. Clinton is that Eminem doesn't do what he says and Bill Clinton doesn't say what he does. (Anna Hulkower, Reston)

The difference between performance anxiety and a catfish is that a catfish gets better when stewed to the gills. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

The difference between Yasser Arafat and William J. Clinton is that Arafat might really be looking for a just peace, whereas Clinton is really just looking for a piece. (Russ Beland, Springfield)

The difference between the Baltimore Orioles and Robert Hanssen is that at least the Orioles are trying to score. (Steve Fahey, Kensington)

Not much difference between a catfish and the Orioles. They both stink when they're out there, under the sun. (Michael Biggs, Columbia)

The difference between six hamsters in a burlap sack and William J. Clinton is that the hamsters probably won't try to mate while in a burlap sack. (Mark Young, Washington)

The difference between intimations of mortality and performance anxiety has been disturbingly blurred by Bob Dole. (Mark Young, Washington)