Week 403 (LXX) : Cry. Uncle!
This week's contest is based upon the jarring news story that appears below.
Humor Contest's Beloved "Uncle" Feared Dead
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The Uncle of the Style Invitational, whose weekly 'pick' stresses the value of good taste and forgotten American virtues, was reported missing Sunday. Police fear the worst.
A man of regular habits, he failed to ---
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Your job is to contain your grief, and write the beginning of a new, follow-up news article -- an obituary? -- that will provide the details of what happened. One hundred words or fewer. First-prize winner gets five lime green "The Uncle Loves Me" T- shirts, which we seem to have in excess at this particular time.
First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt.
Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e- mail to
losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week LXX, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071.
Deadline is Monday, June 4. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. The revised title for next week's contest is by Joseph Romm of Washington.
REPORT FROM WEEK LXVI (399), in which we asked you to describe a movie in such a way as to get a guy to see a chick flick, or vice versa.
If you described "Die Hard" as a tender epic of a man trying to reunite with his estranged wife, you were smart but not remotely alone.
{diam}Fifth runner-up: "It's a Wonderful Life" -- A tale of suicide, bank fraud, a barroom brawl, a kamikaze attack on a Navy ship, and a high-school romp in a swimming pool. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
{diam}Fourth runner-up: "Saving Private Ryan" -- Guy leaves wife. Regrets it. (Edward Horahan, McLean)
{diam}Third runner-up: "Das Boot" -- A group of co-workers worry about water retention. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
{diam}Second runner-up: "Steel Magnolias" -- Sally Field's kidney is ripped from her body while she is still alive! (Sandra Hull, Arlington)
{diam}First runner-up: "Titanic" -- Leonardo DiCaprio dies. (Joe Morse, Charlottesville)
{diam}And the winner of the Orrin Hatch CD: "Bambi" -- Hunters bag a 150-pound doe with a single shot. (Robin D. Grove, Pasadena, Md.)
{diam}Honorable Mentions:
"The Wizard of Oz" -- Good-looking babe mud-wrestles with pigs. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)
"Deep Throat" -- An unusually sensitive young woman comes of age, repeatedly. Be sure to bring plenty of tissues for this one. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park; Joseph Romm, Washington)
"The Crying Game" -- Full-frontal nudity. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
"Pulp Fiction" -- In this romantic thriller, Uma Thurman and John Travolta engage in a fulfilling but platonic relationship, yet both feel the need to medicate their inner pain with opiates. Travolta cares for Thurman when she has a medical crisis that threatens her life. This movie also contains helpful household cleaning tips, such as how to remove difficult stains from automobile upholstery. (David Kleinbard, Montclair, N.J.)
"Driving Miss Daisy" -- Buddies Dan Aykroyd ("Ghostbusters") and Morgan Freeman ("Deep Impact") team up in this Southern tale of cars and the woman they both love but cannot have. (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station)
"You've Got Mail" -- Tycoon uses guile, intimidation and deceit to crush the competition and nail the chick. (Michael Genz, La Plata; Scott Susser, Brooklyn, N.Y.)
"You've Got Mail" -- Everything you need to know about how to meet women online. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
"Memento" -- A man loses his wife and discovers that nothing in his life makes sense anymore. (Greg Forster, Reston)
"Alien 2" -- Touching story of a mother's struggle to raise her children in a changing world. The confrontation at the end between Mom and her career-woman rival will leave you in tears. (Jonathan Crawford, Jessup)
"The Silence of the Lambs" -- Unique recipe ideas and skin maintenance techniques. (Phyllis Kepner, Columbia)
"The Great Escape" -- Ol' Bedroom Eyes Steve McQueen ("Love With the Proper Stranger") stars in this soul-searching paean to dishing the dirt. (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station)
"Kindergarten Cop" -- The "Terminator" star is back for more. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
"Pretty Woman" -- A guy finds a whore who looks exactly like Julia Roberts. (Greg Forster, Reston)
"M*A*S*H" -- Doctors, many of them single. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
"A League of Their Own" -- Plenty of girl-on-girl action in this one. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)
"Gone With the Wind" -- A city burns to the ground. Also, a guy rapes a really bitchy woman to teach her a lesson, and she likes it. Then he dumps her. (T.J. Murphy, Arlington)
"The Bridges of Madison County" -- Clint Eastwood ("Hang 'Em High") stars in this tale of a lonely housewife who gets it on with a guy who likes to take pictures. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)
"The Godfather" -- A devoted son tries to live up to his father's expectations. (Niels Hoven, Camperdown, Australia)