Week XLIX (0382): Pickup Schticks
Man to Woman: "Hi. Would you like to see my speculum collection?"
Woman to Man: "Sir, may I assure you that what I lack in beauty and personal hygiene, I make up for in experience."
This week's contest: Inept pickup lines. By either sex, to either sex. First-prize winner gets a very fancy set of six pastel-colored 1960s cocktail glasses, each of which is attached to a four-foot loop of chain. We are reliably informed these are "Neckglasses," for hands-free partygoing. We kid you not. It comes with a spiffy aluminum carrying case. It is worth $ 60.
First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the shockingly ugly "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XLIX, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Jan. 8. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes.
REPORT FROM WEEK XLV (378), in which we asked you to create bills that might be sponsored by any of the incoming and/or outgoing members of Congress.
But first, some important news. For years, The Czar has been complaining that there are no national celebrities who enter the contest. Finally, we have one. And he is not only a celebrity, but the perfect Style Invitational celebrity. This week, The Style Invitational officially enters The Big Time. See if you can find him.
* Fifth Runner-Up:
The ABRAHAM-VENTO-ISRAEL bill reaffirming Jewish historical claims for a homeland. (Marleen May, Rockville)
* Fourth Runner-Up:
The CLINTON-CARPER bill to designate George F. Will as a national hysterical monument. (Adam Clymer, Washington)
* Third Runner-Up:
The AKIN-HART bill declaring the position of Country Singer Laureate.
(Mark Eckenwiler, Washington; Cindi Rae Caron, Lenoir, N.C.)
* Second Runner-Up:
The AKIN-TIBERI-GRAMS bill to prohibit premature euthanasia of old folks. (Kate Milan, Catlett, Va.; Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
* First Runner-Up:
The HONDA-ISSA-PEASE-SCHIFF bill to promote American cars vs. foreign competitors. (Mike Genz, La Plata; Gregory Bartolett, Rockville)
* And the winner of the porcelain oil lamp featuring the faces of all the presidents from Zack Taylor through LBJ:
The STABENOW-JAY-ISRAEL-KELLER bill to overturn the not-guilty verdict in the Simpson case. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)
* Honorable Mentions:
The FLAKE-TIBERI-CAPITO bill to educate D.C. residents on how to cope with small amounts of snow. (Michael J. Hammer, Arlington)
The OSBORNE-OTTER-CLAY-VENTO-CLAY-GRAVES bill supporting the concept of "ashes to ashes, dust to dust." (Pie Snelson, Silver Spring)
The GRAVES-SCHIFF bill supporting additional compensation for persons who work midnight to 8. (W. Wallace Respass, Lenoir, N.C.)
The McINTOSH-ARCHER bill declaring William Tell's birthday a national holiday. (Barbara Rich, Charlottesville; Ellen Daniels, Takoma Park; Chris Ardizzone, Alexandria)
The FOWLER-KLINK-SOLIS bill to require that each WNBA player who misses a free throw receive an immediate hug from her teammates. (Toby Dorsey, Silver Spring)
The KLINK-ISSA-TALENT bill honoring the memory of Werner Klemperer. (Gary Krist, Chevy Chase)
The WISE-McINTOSH-DAYTON bill promoting caution in online romance. (Steve Fahey, Kensington)
The CLINTON-JOHNSON-ISSA-AKIN bill to investigate the health results of celibacy. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
The DAYTON-ROGAN-KLINK act to support lonely, pathetic females. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
The COOK-METCALF bill to promote vegetarianism by requiring anyone preparing meat products to introduce themselves to the animal before slaughter. (Caron Zuck, North Potomac; Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
The ISSA-ALLEN-McCOLLUM bill forcing Tony Kornheiser to fess up as to where he gets the jokes he uses in his radio show. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)
The WISE-VENTO-CANADY bill providing additional amnesty for draft evaders. (Thomas E. Mannle, Falls Church)
The STABENOW-EWING-KLINK bill to establish a "use-a-knife-go-to-jail" policy. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
The CLINTON-DAYTON-FLAKE bill establishing mandatory minimum competency standards for White House interns. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
The ABRAHAM-MARTINEZ-JOHNSON bill to investigate why the good die young. (Mike Murphy, Munhall, Pa.; Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington)
The PUTNAM-ALLEN-GRAVES bill outlawing cremation. (Michael K., Amy and Rebecca C. Gilson, Gaithersburg)
The CAPITO-HILL-LARSON bill strengthening D.C. laws against pyromaniacs. (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington; Ariel Schwartz, Ithaca N.Y.)
The FOWLER-HART anti-spoonerism bill. (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington)
The WISE-TIBERI-CARNAHAN bill outlawing the election of dead people to Congress. (Dave Yost, Winchester)
The CANTWELL-SCHIFF-HONDA-CARSON-HILL bill authorizing an investigation into transmission-related consumer safety issues with certain Japanese imports. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)
The CANTWELL-PICKETT bill prohibiting networks from calling close elections based on exit poll data. (Melinda Tabler, Washington)
* The Uncle's Pick:
The WISE-AKIN bill to prohibit public use of sarcasm or satire that might offend some people or hurt their feelings.
(Dwight Davis, Arlington; John Kammer, Herndon)
The Uncle Explains: The writer creates a pun of the word "wiseacre," playfully turning it into a gerund, which is a verbal noun that has all the uses of the noun but retains syntactic characteristics of the verb, such as the ability to carry an adverbial modifier. Grammar can be fun.
Next Week: Bill Us Now