Week XXXVII (370): No End In Sight
Passengers awaiting the arrival of Flight 123 from Chicago . . .
The babysitter called and . . .
I, Patrick J. Buchanan, do solemnly swear I will faithfully . . .
This Week's Contest: The beginnings of sentences you don't want to hear the end of. It was suggested by Dick Holme of Denver, who stole it from Denver Post columnist Michael Booth, who wrote the first two examples above. First-prize winner gets a huge package of Candy Sand, a new candy product designed to look, for some reason, exactly like sand. This is worth $ 10.
First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be-designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XXVII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Oct. 16. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes.
REPORT FROM WEEK XXXIII (366), in which we asked you to come up with Robert Fulghum lessons on life, as learned from one of eight venues: "All I Need to Know About Life I Learned . . ."
* Fifth Runner Up--On the Beltway: If you try real hard, you can make the honor roll at your school, even if your parents are dangerous, inconsiderate idiots. (David Genser, Arlington)
* Fourth Runner-Up--On the Beltway: 1) On the left are the arrogant and the sanctimonious, who speed toward their objective with no regard for unintended consequences. 2) On the right are the smug and the oblivious, who block reasonable progress. 3) What goes around comes round.
(Dick Barnes, Bethesda)
* Third Runner-Up--From the World Wrestling Federation: Don't trust the media. During most interviews, someone will attack you from behind with a folding chair. (David Genser, Arlington)
* Second Runner-Up--At the Dentist: Nitrous oxide can somehow cause your underpants to turn inside out. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
* First Runner-Up--At the Wal-Mart in Germantown: People with no teeth can still get fat. (Larry Phillips, Falls Church)
* And the winner of the Rush Limbaugh book in Polish:
Online: A million monkeys at a million keyboards might eventually produce Shakespeare, but they are going to produce monkey porn sites first. (Martin Bredeck, Community, Va.)
* Honorable Mentions:
On the Beltway:
When you wish to use the HOV lanes, cardboard cutouts of Mr. Spock and Capt. Picard will not pass close inspection. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
You can extend the life of your car's battery if you never use the turn signal. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)
It doesn't do any good to find out about a traffic jam once you are in it. (Rosalie Beasley, Leonardtown)
There are no silent letters in "Grosvenor." (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)
Style Invitational bumper stickers do not seem to be taking the world by storm. (David Genser, Arlington)
When they say "Backup on the Wilson Bridge," it turns out they don't actually want you to do it.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
Lots of people own a Porsche but for some reason always seem to be driving their other car. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
At the Wal-Mart in Germantown:
China's one-child-per-family policy can't be all bad.
(David Genser, Arlington)
It is possible to be someplace in the United States and not hear a cell phone ringing every 30 seconds.
(David Genser, Arlington)
Polyester stretch pants in size XXXL are available only in lime green.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
It's hard to find a car in a parking lot full of vans and pickups. (Larry Phillips, Falls Church)
While I do not approve of running local mom-and-pop stores out of business, crushing their spirits and contributing to the homogenization of America, have you seen these savings? (John Kammer, Herndon)
The announcement "Customer Service Representative to the gun counter" is a sign it is time to go home. (Cathy Stoll, Montgomery Village)
At the Dentist:
A good dentist doesn't check for cavities with his tongue. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Never put that spit-sucking device up your nose as a joke. Trust me on this. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Given enough controlled substances, anyone is drillable. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Having latex-covered objects placed in one's mouth is not as much fun as you might think. (Richard Davis, New York)
Expensive is the head filled with crowns. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
On the Metro:
Always wear something from the knees down under your raincoat. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
1) To maintain a healthy life, you must eat and you must excrete. 2) Sometimes, it will be illegal to do either. 3) It is possible to know next to nothing about the people closest to you. (Amy Fickling, Germantown)
On United Airlines:
Pilots have no sense of humor. (Larry Phillips, Falls Church)
Blue water tastes different from clear water. (Larry Phillips, Falls Church)
The works of Gershwin are in the public domain.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
Online:
Relatively speaking, John Birch was a liberal. (Mike Genz, La Plata)
If you are looking to meet young, sexy underwear models, they seem to be drawn to chat rooms.
(Beth Baniszewski, Columbia)
Lying in the Gutter With a Bottle of Ripple:
Things could be worse. You could be lying in the gutter with a bottle of Ripple and be married to Kathie Lee Gifford.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Women are liars. They aren't just looking for a guy with a good personality. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
From 'Survivor':
If you ever fulfill your fantasy of being marooned on an island with some babes, sure enough, the fat gay guy will be the only one to walk around naked. (Lloyd Duvall, Rosslyn)
There's a reason actors are well paid. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Only in totally contrived situations is comeuppance delivered to perky young self-confident catty female attorneys. (Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)
Everyone in the world has a tattoo but me. (Jill Tallman, Frederick)
* The Uncle's Pick:
At the Dentist: Proper oral hygiene pays off. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
The Uncle Explains: Ain't this the tooth? (Oh, my.)
Next Week: No Future