Week XXIX (362): Something Missing
This Week's Contest: In each of these cartoons, something is missing. Tell us what it is, and explain when necessary. Choose one or more. First-prize winner gets a pair of grade-schooler-size boxer shorts featuring the logo of the National Rifle Association. This is worth $ 20.
First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be-designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XXIX, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Aug. 21. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes.
REPORT FROM WEEK XXV (358). Noting that Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire" ended with the year 1989, we invited you to bring the song up to date.
One of our favorite entries, which broke the rules but was superior nonetheless, came from Jennifer Hart of Arlington. Her lyrics, she said, apply only to Arkansas:
Indoor privies in our homes / Talking pitchers, "telly phones." / Some roads covered in cee-ment / Ringworm down by 10 percent!
We decided to cut and paste the winning entries into an entire song. Winner of the Elvis stamp watch is Chris Doyle of Burke. First Runner-Up is Ellen Ryan of Rockville. Second Runner-Up is David Genser of Arlington. All lines are attributed below.
1 Ms. Lewinsky, Dan Quayle / Ted Kaczynski, "You've got mail." (Chris Doyle)
2 Don't ask. Don't tell / Pol Pot goes to Hell. (Russell Beland)
3 Stormin' Norman, Global warmin' / George and George and George Foreman. (Bill Forehand)
4 Bill Bennett! Dr. Laura! U.S. slouching toward Gomorrah! (Chris Doyle)
We didn't start the fire, it was always burning since the world's been turning.
We didn't start the fire, no, we didn't light it but we tried to fight it.
5 HMO, S&P / IPO, DVD. (David Genser)
6 CEO, T&A / 401(k), DNA. (David Genser)
7 Cyber-this, cyber-that / Baby boomers getting fat. (David Genser)
8 Greenspanned! Renoed! / Double mocha frappucinoed! (Phil Frankenfeld)
9 D of C, what a mess / Peoples Drug now CVS. (Ellen Ryan)
10 Hechinger, Lion d'Or / Woodies, Hot Shoppes--all no more. (Ellen Ryan)
11 "Millie's Book" penned by a pup / Bitch set Mayor Barry up. (Sandra Hull)
12 Ruthann Aron, Sharon Pratt / Barry back in office (drat!). (Ellen Ryan)
We didn't start the fire, it was always burning since the world's been turning.
We didn't start the fire, no, we didn't light it but we tried to fight it.
13 Windsor high jinks not so regal / Fin-de-siecle sequel treacle, (Phil Frankenfeld)
14 Little Vader, Jar Jar Binks / "Star Wars" movie really stinks! (Ellen Ryan)
15 Dumb veep, Olestra seep / Millions spent to make a sheep. (Jonathan Paul)
16 Lady Di! John-John! / Jackie O! Gone-gone! (Katherine M. Butterfield)
17 M. Vanilli, Bush's quips / We all learned to read their lips. (Jerry Pannullo)
18 Elian, SUVs / Rich guys skiing into trees. (Jonathan Paul)
19 Fear the threat of Y2K / Fear that Tinky-Winky's gay. (Elizabeth and Evan FitzGerald)
20 AIDS plague. I don't care / I Want to Be a Millionaire!
We didn't start the fire, it was always burning since the world's been turning.
We didn't start the fire, no, we didn't light it but we tried to fight it. (Ton Lorenzen and Bob Ritter)
21 O.J. Simpson's murder case / Brentwood bodies, Bronco chase. (Chris Doyle)
22 Johnnie Cochran, Marcia Clark / Chipping golf balls in the dark. (Chris Doyle)
23 Kato Kaelin, F. Lee Bailey / Bloody glove and updates daily. (Chris Doyle)
24 Pix of Bruno Magli shoes / WHAT ELSE HAPPENED IN THE NEWS? (Chris Doyle)
We didn't start the fire, it was always burning since the world's been turning.
We didn't start the fire, no, we didn't light it but we tried to fight it.
25 Pubic hair upon her Coke / Can't Anita take a joke? (Kevin Cuddihy)
26 Democrats are on her side / But Paula Jones? She must have lied. (Kevin Cuddihy)
27 Man from Hope! What a dope! / Congress runs to find a rope! (Jennifer Hart)
28 Introducing Kenneth Starr / Ken gets close but no cigar. (Ellen Ryan)
29 Waco burns, Tim McVeigh / Murrah building blown away. (Chris Doyle)
30 Columbine, Lockerbie / Hutu-Tutsi killing spree. (Chris Doyle)
31 Dahmer preyed on neighbor boys / No one seemed to mind the noise. (Thom Lieb)
32 Rodney King, Falun Gong / WHY CAN'T WE JUST GET ALONG? (Chris Doyle)
Chris Doyle, Burke: Lines 1, 4, 21, 22, 23, 24, 29, 30, 32; Ellen Ryan, Rockville: Lines 9, 10, 12, 14, 28; David Genser, Arlington: Lines 5, 6, 7; Katharine M. Butterfield, Potomac: Line 16; Elizabeth and Evan FitzGerald, Alexandria: Line 19; Phil Frankenfeld, Washington: Lines 8 and 13; Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax: Lines 25 and 26; Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park: Lines 15 and 18; Russell Beland, Annandale: Line 2; Thom Lieb, Severna Park: Line 31; Jennifer Hart, Arlington: Line 27; Tom Lorenzen, Glen Echo and Bob Ritter, Leesburg: Line 20.; Sandra Hull, Arlington: Line 11; Jerry Pannullo, Kensington: Line 17; Bill Forehand, Rockville: Line 3.
* The Uncle's Pick:
Be-bop sounds, chastity / Personal responsibility.
Push-up bras, wars we win / It's the 1940s again!
(David Genser, Arlington)
The Uncle Explains: A nice reminder that there was a time before songwriters went out of their way to be faultfinding and depressing or gloried in carnality.
Next Week: It's No Party