Week XVII (350): Dubya Fun


What He Meant/What He Said

* Barriers and tariffs/"Terriers and Bariffs"

* Tactical nuclear weapons/"Tacular weapons"

* I know how hard it is for you to put food on the table/"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."

* I denounce efforts to prohibit interracial dating/"I denounce interracial dating."

* We ought to raise the bar./"We ought to make the pie higher."

This Week's Contest was proposed by Steve Gorman of McLean, who says this idea is "the best thing since sliced beer." Steve was impressed by a recent story in Style enumerating the many and repeated violences done to the English language by George W. Bush, some of which are reprised above. Your task is to take any well-known statement, expression, slogan, etc., and rewrite it the way Dubya might have said it (as in the cartoon above.) First-prize winner gets a genuine, certified wooden tile from the checkerboard facade of the "Peach Pit" Restaurant on the set of "Beverly Hills, 90210." This is obviously a priceless relic inasmuch as it probably was at one time or another grazed by the calf of Tori Spelling.

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XVII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, May 29. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes.

REPORT FROM WEEK XIII (346), in which we asked you to take any event from history and cover it the way you imagine it might have been covered by KidsPost, the newspaper's new feature page aimed at children between 9 and 13.

* Fourth Runner-Up: Yesterday, humans domesticated dogs. This means they won't hang around outside your cave all night, scratching and howling and eating your garbage. Now, they'll do it inside your cave. Want your own dog? Just promise Mom and Dad that you will feed it and take care of it. But do it soon. It's not like parents are going to fall for this forever. (David Genser, Arlington)

* Third Runner-Up: The release of Viagra--Have your mother and father ever told you that you might get a new baby brother or sister? Well, now there's a chance your grandmother and grandfather could get you a new aunt or uncle! (Russ Beland, Springfield)

* Second Runner-Up: The Rosenberg Trial--Sometimes, sharing can be a bad thing . . . (Brett Walton, Bridgewater, Va.)

* First Runner-Up: The Donner Party--You know how sometimes you can get so hungry you might even eat cauliflower? Well . . . (Art Grinath, Takoma Park; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

* And the winner of the Elvis-Nixon T-shirt:

Do you remember when you used to have that dog named Corky, but one day you came home from school and Corky wasn't there anymore, and your parents said Corky ran away to join the circus, and that you should be happy for him? Well, yesterday President Kennedy ran away to join the circus! (Mary Lou French, Lorton)

* Honorable Mentions:

Comedian John Belushi died yesterday from an overdose of a drug known as a "speedball." A speedball is an injection of heroin mixed with cocaine. Mr. Belushi's death should be an important lesson to young people. Never mix your heroin with cocaine. (Russell W. Beland, Springfield)

(New York, Oct. 29, 1929)--You've probably all seen the mighty airship Graf Zeppelin in the newsreels. Now imagine that instead of hydrogen, it was filled with sausage meat. That would be about the size of the weenie that Wall Street bit today. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

The arrival of the Black Death means that more of us are dying than ever before. Most experts attribute this to the wrath of God, though some people think that witchcraft was responsible. It's important to avoid the plague yourself, so be sure to collect any corpses, heretics or old crones around your home and burn them. A fun project you can do is to make a whip from old shoelaces and flay yourself. Get your folks to help you--if they're still alive! (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

The Spanish Inquisition--On a long wagon trip, have you ever asked your parents, "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Yesterday Orville Wright and his brother Wilbur flew in the air for 105 feet in their "Flyer." This is way farther than you could fly if you were to jump off your roof or something. Ooops. you didn't hear that from us. (David Genser, Arlington)

The story of Zeus and Leda-- Sometimes, when a very powerful god, who is married to another powerful and jealous god, loves a woman, he does so disguised as a waterfowl . . . (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

Let's play Galileo! (1) Find the moons of Jupiter with your telescope. (2) Tell everyone about it. (3) Lock yourself in your room for nine years. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

The waning days of the Civil War--Are you a relatively fit boy between the ages of 9 and 13? If so, this is to inform you that you have been drafted. Bring this page with you to your local recruiting station . . . (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

May 19, 1962-- Last night, a really pretty movie star came to President Kennedy's birthday party and sang "Happy Birthday." Marilyn Monroe put on her prettiest party dress and everyone, especially the president, was really excited! (Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station)

The creation of KidsPost--From now on we are going to print news stories just for you, like this one. It is really important that you read these stories every day. To make sure you read these stories, your mom and dad should have the paper delivered to your house every day. If they don't already have the paper delivered, you need to go find Mom or Dad's wallet, get out one of their credit cards and call us at . . . (Russ Beland, Springfield)

The Protestant Reformation-- Have you ever wondered how the wine turns into the blood of Jesus? Well, now a priest in Germany has been wondering about the same thing, and . . . (Russ Beland, Springfield)

Deep Throat--Sometimes it's fun to pretend you have an imaginary friend! (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

The Watergate coverup--Lots of people, including reporters from this newspaper, are trying to find out everything that happened when some men broke into an office in a building called the Watergate. If your dad works for the White House and talks about his job when he gets home, call Bob Woodward at . . . (Russ Beland, Springfield)

* The Uncle's Pick:

March 5, 1993, the creation of The Style Invitational-- Hey, kids. Now KidsPost is no longer the only feature in this paper aimed at 9- to 13-year-olds . . . (Michael Sharkey, Cambridge, Mass.)

(The Uncle Explains: This is funny because it is true.)

Next Week: Capital Pun-ishment