The Style Invitational; WEEK VII (340): ASK BACKWARDS 12
This Week's Contest: You are on "Jeopardy!" Here are the answers. What are the questions? Choose one or more. First-prize winner gets a pair of decorative velour wall hangings advertising the many fine attractions of the nation of Libya. These gaily fringed souvenir items are worth $ 50. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be-designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week VII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, March 20. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes.
CONTINUED REPORT FROM WEEK III (336), in which we asked you to take any ordinary word, place a portion of it in "air quotes," and then redefine the word.
* Fourth Runner-Up: "Linger"ie--The tendency of men to spend hours lovingly perusing each page of the Victoria's Secret catalogue. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
* Third Runner-Up: Ap"petite"--A ravenous desire for celery; see Bulimic.
(Mary Lou French, Lorton)
* Second Runner-Up: A"bra"cada"bra"--That magical way a woman can somehow remove her underwear without removing her outer clothes. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
* First Runner-Up: C"hick"en--Squirrel. (Will Cramer, Herndon)
* And the winner of the Hirsute Hair Shirt:
Drug "DEA"ling--Selling coke to the nice young white guy in the suit.
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
* Honorable Mentions:
E"lite"--People who become rich or powerful not through ability but rather through inheritance, i.e., Dan Quayle, George W. Bush. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)
Y"id"dish--Jewish phone sex.
(Howard Walderman, Columbia)
Int"elle"ctual--Someone deeply aware of the Kierkegaardian implications of this fall's new hot miniskirt colors.
(Jacob Weinstein, Los Angeles)
Se"ptua"genarian--An old man who chews tobacco. (Dudley Thompson, Derwood)
F"rug"al--Wearing a cheap hairpiece.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
"Condom"inium--A safe house.
(Frank Thompson, Largo, Fla.)
"Pant"s--Jennifer Lopez/Ricky Martin skintight trousers.
(Jake Wolman, Claremont, Calif.)
"Con"gress--'Nuff said.
(John Kammer, Herndon)
"Past"a--Leftover lasagna.
(Don Cooper, Burke)
Dis"man"tling--The process by which a newly divorced woman removes all traces of her ex from her home.
(T.J. Murphy, Arlington)
Pan"icky"--How one feels after accidentally ingesting too much Olestra.
(Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
Inaugu"rat"ion--The exchange of one varmint for another.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Ba"nana"--A grandmother with hepatitis. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
L"one"liest--A number you'll never do. (Russ Beland, Springfield)
Go"vern"ment--The municipal administration of some place like West Mule Flank, Ky. (Robin D. Grove, Laurel)
"Hind"ered--To be encumbered by a fat butt. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
"E"eee!--The sound one makes when startled by a computer mouse.
(Mike Genz, La Plata)
"Moo"lah--A cash cow. (Chris Doyle, Burke)
Vag"rant"--Someone who stands on street corners and shouts gibberish at tourists. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Fig"urine"--One of those novelty garden fountains. (T.J. Murphy, Arlington; Frank Thomson, Largo, Fla.)
"Colon"el--An army military man equal to a naval "Rear Admiral." (T.J. Murphy, Arlington)
Cleav"age"--Female adolescence.
(David Genser, Arlington)
Tor"men"t--To leave the seat up on purpose. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)
E"rot"ica--Necrophilia.
(Brian Feldman, Chantilly)
"Glock"enspiel--The rousing percussion of gang warfare.
(Rob Freeman, Washington)
"Hand"some--So ugly that one's Saturday night date is always oneself.
(Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)
C"loser"--John Rocker.
(James Pierce, Charlottesville)
"Man"ipulation--"If you really loved me, you would." (Richard Davis, Arlington)
D"ouch"e--A bad experience on a hot-water bidet. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
"Flaming"o--A bird known for its flamboyant colors.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Aph"rod"isiac--Actually, pretty much as currently defined.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Lia"ISO"n--Something sought via personal ads. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Gar"goy"le--Disastrous blind date set up by Aunt Ceil. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)
"Trump"et--The clarion call of one's own colossal ego. (Will Cramer, Herndon)
Orna"mental"--Describing the Martha Stewart obsession that, for example, causes one to cover one's garbage cans in 18th-century lace, fairy lights, gold leaf and cloves. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Li"feline"--"Regis, I'd like to use my Phone-a-friend and call my cat, Muffin." (Will Cramer, Herndon)
E"quip"ment--The ability to say or write funny things. (Women always check out a guy's e"quip"ment early in a relationship.) (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
"Dow"ager--Someone whose 401(k) plan is making her annoyingly rich.
(David Genser, Arlington)
Com"post"--Using that pinko rag as fertilizer, where it belongs. Oooops. I'm sorry, that was my entry for the Washington TIMES Invitational.
(Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
* The Uncle's Pick:
"U"n"c"le--Someone "U" love to "C" at a family reunion.
(Jacob Weinstein, Los Angeles)
(The Uncle explains: Modesty forbids a detailed explanation. Suffice it to say I consider this a simply "D"lightful entry!)
Next Week: Degrees of Difficulty
DEAD PRESIDENTS, by Bob Staake, Saint Louis, MO
First panel: Ghost of Kennedy sitting glumly before a birthday cake, Lincoln and Washington standing by. From offstage: "HAPPY BIIIIIRTHDAY TO YOUUU, HAPPPPY BIIIIRTHDAY TO YOU ..."; Lincoln: "Whoa, Jack doesn't see to be having fun .."
Second panel, Lincoln and Washington only. Offstage: "HAPPY BIIIIIRTHDAY, MISTER PREZZZIDENT ..."; Lincoln: "I mean, didn't he REQUEST this?"; Washington: "Yeah ...".
Third panel: Lincoln, Washington, Kennedy, cake, Monroe on stage. Monroe: "HAPPPPY BIIIIIIRTHDAY TOOOOOO YOU!" Washington: "... Maybe he was expecting a DIFFERENT Monroe!"
Don't let Dead Presidents die! Send you ideas (describe, don't draw) to: Dead Presidents, Style, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com.