Week 321: Interpret This


This Week's Contest was suggested by Russell Beland of Springfield. Russell writes frequently to complain that this contest is unfunny, unimaginative, formulaic, ill-conceived, sophomoric, stale, sloppily edited and disgracefully judged. Then he submits 46 entries. Well, this week he complained that there hasn't been an interesting new contest in years, and then suggested one. And it wasn't bad. Never let it be said that we discriminate against people merely because they are squishy warm wet blankets. Russell wins a jar of sour pickles. (When it does not arrive tomorrow, he will write to complain.) Anyway, Russell suggests a variation of a classic psychological test: Take any of the above cartoons and come up with a matched pair of interpretations for what is happening. Men/women, adults/children, religious believers/atheists, old person/young person, or whatever pairing you wish. For example: With Cartoon D, a woman might see it as an executive delivering a painful but necessary performance evaluation to an underling who is chastened, but nonetheless grateful for her honesty. A man might see it as a guy feigning interest in some relationship-babble in the hopes of winding up in the sack. First-prize winner gets a fabulous framed painting of Yosemite Sam, on black velvet, a value of $ 75.

First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 321, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via e-mail to this address: losers@washpost.com. E-mail users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 15. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Promo No One Needs was written by Russell Beland of Springfield. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 318, in which you were asked to combine the first half of a hyphenated word from that day's Post with the second half of a different hyphenated word, and provide a new meaning.

Fifth Runner-Up: Fidel-crosoft, n., The official state-run software company of Cuba, which is at least honest about its monopoly. (T.J. Murphy, Arlington)

Fourth Runner-Up: Ef-ucation, n., learning the facts of life on the streets.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Third Runner-Up: Seduc-adoes, n., whirlwind affairs. (Susan Reese, Arlington)

Second Runner-Up: Gym-timate, n., someone you have seen naked, and sweating and moaning, but whose name you don't know. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

First Runner-Up: Truth-ington, n., city located on the precise opposite side of the globe from our nation's capital. (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington)

And the winner of the poodle painting:

Uni-moron, n. Instead of bombs, this terrorist mails flaming bags of poo.

(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Honorable Mentions:

Par-ton-Gore, n., a very top-heavy ticket.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Di-world, n., amusement park where you really want to avoid the bumper cars. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

Catastro-pitulation, n., the act of pulling a Neville Chamberlain. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Deal-makum, n., how we got Manhattan. (Katharine M. Butterfield, Potomac)

Gyp-weed, n., oregano.

(Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Obvi-dence, n., the case against O.J.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Char-mates, n., death row convicts.

(John E. Taibi II, Alexandria)

Ac-nosaur, n., an adolescent Tyrannosaurus (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

Yu-dorkovsky, n., Russian put-down.

(Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Neigh-mother, n., a nag.

(David Genser, Arlington)

Satur-nity, n., how long "SNL" episodes seem to last these days. (Russ Beland, Springfield)

Oxy-frog, n., anti-wart medicine.

(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Par-thetic, adj., describing someone who cheats at miniature golf. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Masturba-teur, n., Oh, those French have a fancy name for everything, don't they?

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Dum-mond, n., a cubic zirconium; also, someone who thinks his fiancee won't be able to tell the difference. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)

You-break-it-you-buy-world, n., shop that generates business by displaying fragile items on rickety shelves. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

Consti-llation, n., Very, very tightly packed stars that form images of mythical beings, (e.g., Groanex the Strainer, Squatterius the Seat Hog, etc.) (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Pa-gone.com, n., a Web site where women can try to locate deadbeat dads. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Drag-reer, n., Monday morning activity. (Warren Blair, Ashburn)

Notwith-ness, n., the quality of being nerdy. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

Sto-nalists, n., writers for High Times magazine. (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington)

Strug-holders, n., persons who carry injured Olympians. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Inter-nological, adj., describing the entrance exam the president gives to attractive new West Wing hires. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Virgin-cluded, adj., describing what one should look for in a good volcano-sacrifice kit. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Montgom-na, n., a female graduate of Montgomery College. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Work-nosed, adj., describing the color brown. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Kanga-brief, n., Underoo.

(Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Histor-tion, n., what is recorded by the winners. (Katharine M. Butterfield, Potomac)

Blab-federate, n., Linda Tripp.

(William Powell, Arlington)

Man-pean, adj., describes the act of putting the seat up. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Neigh-burg, n., a one-horse town.

(David Genser, Arlington)

Ab-tention, n., the state into which a man places himself by sucking in his stomach when a pretty woman walks by at the beach.

(Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Usual-land, n., new theme park where ordinary things happen, such as the newest attraction, Car Ride to the Mall. (Russ Beland, Springfield)

Be-land, n., someone who whines excessively. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

Rookie of the Week:

Genita-chandising, n., prostitution.

(Tom Klippstein, Scottsville, Va.)

And Last:

Edi-moron, n., the Czar.

(Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Next Week: Reverse Psychology