Week 298: The Right Stuff


My monopoly on nooky.

Moo. Moo.

No lumpy milk.

I'm no killjoy.

Jump upon my loin.

This week's contest: Write a sentence, or phrase, or entire passage, using only your right hand on the keyboard. This means you may use no keys to the left of N, H, Y and 7. (Unlike Archy the Cockroach, you may simultaneously use the shift key.) First-prize winner gets a talking Christmas wreath, which is worth $ 20.

First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 298, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Dec. 8. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. This week's promo promo ad was written by Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 295, in which we asked you to help us fill in the missing panel in any of four cartoons.

Many people made the excellent suggestion that Cartoon D, with its blank last panel, was already complete.

-- Third Runner-Up: (Cartoon D)Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

(Cartoon D):

Dilbert and Momma are hung upside down in a dungeon, next to that hairy Wizard of Id character. Dilbert: "You had to get Zippy the Pinhead to represent us!"

-- Second Runner-Up: (Cartoon B)Jennifer Hart, Arlington

(Cartoon B):

Charlie, to reader: "Whew! Our strip almost contained a funny, relevant gag. But luckily, I scared it away!

-- First Runner-Up: (Cartoon A)Don Cooper, Burke

(Cartoon A)

Customer says, "I'm fluent in German, Spanish, Italian, Russian, Mandarin, Swahili and Urdu, but I do not speak French.

-- And the winner of the Bill Clinton mask:David Genser, Arlington

(Cartoon D)

Sarge from Beetle Bailey is holding a gun to Snoopy's head. In the background, Momma is saying, "Raise our royalties or the dog gets it."

-- Honorable Mentions: Cartoon A

Customer: "Why, I bet a frog like you doesn't even know four words in English!"

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Waiter: "Might I remind Madame that she is in Paris?" (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville; Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

Customer: "Does this mean that if I order francs and beans I might actually get some money? Ha, ha. Because, you see, francs are French money. Ha, ha!" (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

-- Cartoon B:

Charlie Brown: "Wow, these assertiveness training exercises are great! I'll never be a loser again, why, I ...

(Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

Lucy: "Despite the promising beginning, this strip invariably relies on tired catch phrases for its punch lines."

(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Snoopy thinks:

"Uh-oh. He's alerted to my cocaine stash!"

(Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

Snoopy thinks:

"If you can't speak the language, shouting does not help." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Snoopy thinks: "He's left out the accent aigu." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

-- Cartoon C:

Boy: "Do your varicose veins save you a lot of money on fishnet stockings?"

(Chuck

Smith, Woodbridge)

Boy: "I'm gullible because I'm an only child."

(J. Larry Schott, Gainesville)

Teacher: "Billy, this is the third time you've missed 'non sequitur' on the vocabulary test. When are we going to see some improvement?"

(David Genser, Arlington)

Boy: "Are you going to sleep with me and have my baby and then rot in jail while I flee to Europe?"

(Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)

-- Cartoon D:

Momma, to man behind a desk: "So, it's agreed then? Now we all get paid by the word, just like Cathy does? Well, that's a relief, because now we can just blather on and on without ...

(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Next Week: Bill Us Later