Week 296: BILL US LATER
The Bayh-Crapo fertilizer subsidy act
The Wu-Tancredo bill to establish decency norms for hip-hop lyrics
The Baird-Bunning bill to ban bottomless clubs
This Week's Contest: Choose among the names of any of the newly elected U.S. senators or representatives (the list is beneath this column) and propose a bill they might sponsor, as in the examples above. Bills may have as many co-sponsors as you wish. Describe the bills carefully: We anticipate some similar entries, and we will select as winners those that are best expressed. First-prize winner receives a fanny pack personally sewn by Sandra Hull of Arlington. It is made entirely of scraps from Style Invitational T-shirts. This fine item is one of a kind, and therefore priceless.
First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 296, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 23. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Vacation No One Takes was written by Brian Broadus of Charlottesville. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.
Report from Week 293, in which we invited you to make poems from lines in any single story in that day's newspaper.
But first, a poem of our own: Whenever we seek mirthful verse / Something happens strange and sad / Some folks open desk and purse / And send in poems dreadf'lly bad. / The subject's wrong, they make no jest / (e.g., an ode to one once loved). / Hope beats within the poet's breast / That someday soon he'll be discov'd. / Most such works are very poor. / Except for yours, which was great, it / Would have run, we're pretty sure. / But, alas, our doggie ate it.
Second Runner-Up: From the Education Review supplement:
Clinton's call
To run in the hall.
He moves gracefully,
Swinging loose and long.
Don't seem to respect women
Eager to find more.
The mother ...
So I need to yell,
Get a gerbil!
(Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)
First Runner-Up: From Walter Scott's Personality Parade:
So who'd mind
Sex with Cindy Crawford
-- in a cemetery?
-- in prison?
-- in front of 1,200 people?
-- in front of a New Hampshire official?
Desperately trying to pretend to produce a child.
Who'd mind?
(Eric Brody, Washington)
And the winner of the T-shirt and ceramic coffee mug and various fabulous coffee producing items celebrating 25 years of Mr. Coffee products: From Mike Causey's Federal Diary.
Half of all marriages end in divorce
But if you are concerned, ask yourself why.
Keep in mind, for darn sure, there is a catch.
The remainder that keep going simply die.
(Greg Arnold, Herndon)
Honorable Mentions:
From the classified ads, Apts Unfurn:
Cable ready.
2 br.
Walk to Metro.
Bus at dr.
Air cond.
Mini-blinds.
Some with carpet.
On bus line.
Parquet flrs.
Heat and air.
Garbage disp.
W/gar.
Lots of light.
Fresh paint.
Call for details.
By appnt.
(Barney Kaufman, Manassas)
From a story about the Norwegian prime minister:
Kjell Magne Bondevik
Took three and a half weeks of sick
Leave. "As brave as Diana" said the Dagbladet.
What Norway has, most countries wish they had it.
(Lynn Stanton, Silver Spring)
From TV Week's Sunday Highlights:
A woman out to avenge
The dichotomy of wealth and cultures
Joins forces with
A valuable fish
Who has starved himself.
(Victoria McKernan, Washington)
From the story about the Norwegian prime minister:
On the boundaries between what is public
And what is private,
God must be granting interviews.
(Randi Gray Kristensen, Washington)
From the Business section:
Short run
Safe haven
Driven by liquidity and de-leveraging flows
Bigger-than-usual
Movements are often irrational
Real panic to unload.
Now is a lousy, stinking time.
(Jean Sorensen, Herndon)
From "Ravens Head to Green Bay"
An ankle, a thigh,
Caused him to have lost.
From a groin near full,
He was too reckless.
(Dave Zarrow, Herndon)
From The Travel section:
In Chevy Chase
An uncomfortable, sterile place
A waiting room where
I do not share
Reasons that cause me to fear
(I was going to add something here.)
(Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)
From the Noted With column:
There's this can of soup,
Consumed without thought.
I used my mouth.
(Adrienne Hagen, Berryville)
From an essay by Jane Smiley in the Outlook section:
New, novel sex comes luscious and delightful.
Organs of art, of partnership joyous and sad.
Even within ourselves,
The truth lies.
(Lynn Stanton, Silver Spring)
From The Style Invitational:
Old maids
Do not question
The size of the pepper mill.
(Jessica Steinhice Mathews, Arlington)
From the obituary of Eric Ambler:
It does seem rather odd
That a man who was
A best-selling writer
Published to rave reviews,
Hailed as
A great master
Of immense importance,
Displayed a love of
Writing ads for Ex-lax.
(Maja Keech, New Carrollton)
From a story about daylight-saving time:
Change delivers a one-two punch
Crashes occur,
Rather dramatic.
Beginning tomorrow,
Time Ends.
(Tina Ingerski, Sterling)
Next Week: Product Liarbility
Baird; Baldwin; Bayh; Berkley; Biggert; Bunning; Capuano; Crapo; Crowley; DeMint; Edwards; Fitzgerald; Fletcher; Gonzalez; Green; Hayes; Hill; Hoeffel; Holt; Inslee; Kuykendall; Lincoln; Larson; Lucas; Miller; Moore; Napolitano; Ose; Phelps; Reynolds; Ryan; Schakowsky; Schumer; Sherwood; Shows; Simpson; Sweeney; Tancredo; Terry; Thompson; Toomey; Tubbs-Jones; Udall; Udall; Voinovich; Walden; Weiner; Wu.