Week 294: Product Liarbility


U.S. Robotics -- How the phone is answered at the Gore 2000 campaign.

Canada Dry -- Ottawa-based national prohibition movement.

Midas Muffler -- The Swiss government's official spin-control program regarding Nazi gold.

Mop & Glow -- Job description for janitors at Three Mile Island.

This Week's Contest was suggested by Elden Carnahan of Laurel, who wins a can of "Evening in Laurel" coffee, a local product donated to the Style Invitational by Dave Zarrow of Herndon, who wins a videotape entirely filled with Geico commercials. Elden suggests that you take the name of any commercial product and redefine it, as in the examples above. First-prize winner gets a genuine Snellen eye chart (E FP TOZ, etc.) worth $ 25.

First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 294, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Nov. 9. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Promo No One Reads was written by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 291,

in which we invited you to combine the first part of any hyphenated word in that day's Post with the last part of any other hyphenated word in the same story, and provide a definition for the hybrid.

Fifth Runner-Up: Lewin-ized -- adj., Recently surpassed 'Martinized' as the fabric finishing of choice at dry cleaners throughout the Washington area. (William Scott, Montclair)

Fourth Runner-Up: Whenev-ship -- n., the extremely casual bond between twenty-somethings. (Ann Zeleny, Boonesboro)

Third Runner-Up: Mono-ria -- n., an STD you give to yourself. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Second Runner-Up: Be-ness -- n., one of the many, many definitions of "is." (Stu Solomon, Springfield)

First Runner-Up: Expec-utive -- n., a CEO from the smokeless tobacco industry.

(Ray Bohlken, Virginia Beach)

And the winner of the transcript of the early days of the Senate Watergate hearings: Easy-lis-choly -- n., that sad feeling you get when you hear a Stones song in the elevator. (Susan Reese, Arlington)

Honorable Mentions:

Thingthatwillfind-tire -- n., the only sharp object within five miles of your car.

(Ann Zeleny, Boonesboro)

Half-up? -- adj., Following the milk industry's wildly successful "Got Milk?" campaign, the makers of Viagra created their own slogan.

(T.J. Murphy, Arlington)

Birth-mummy -- n., a woman who gives her baby up for Egyptian. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

Rot-o'lantern -- n., what is on your window sill two weeks after Halloween. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington; Barbara Lewis, Berwyn Heights)

Sex-ington Post. n., Washington's premier newspaper, during the last year.

(Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

Anniversa-locity -- n., the seemingly increasing rate at which yearly celebrations pass. (Benjamin Eye, Washington; Jessica Steinhice Mathews, Arlington)

Orga-man -- n., Secret Service code for the president. (Stu Solomon, Springfield)

Bei-gious -- adj., sort of tannish. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Cyber-bases -- n., the various stages of cybersex. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

De-ratchik -- n., the Russian term for Minnie Mouse. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

La-dress -- n., you know, the one with la stain. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Per-tify -- n., to get someone all gussied up. (Edna Mae Cucumber, Moose Flop, Ala.; Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Wom-ant -- n., a small female who can carry twice her weight over long distances.

(Ann Zeleny, Boonesboro; Susan Reese, Arlington)

Tempo-skins -- n., Norv Turner and Charley Casserly. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Dishonor-ville -- n., Bill's new postal address. (William Scott, Montclair)

Theo-mosexuality -- n., Van Gogh really loved his brother. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Confi-monically -- adv., word used by Linda Tripp to assure her friends that she'll never repeat anything they tell her. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Rhythm-and-crab -- n., a very, very effective birth control method. (David Genser, Arlington)

Psycho-Tex -- n., H. Ross Perot. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Ten-somethings -- n., preteens.

(David Genser, Arlington)

Impeach-peached -- n., In place of full impeachment, a method of presidential censure in which the entire Congress will lob rotting fruit at the president. (John Kammer, Herndon)

Prosecu-cutor -- adj., a generally positive change in physical appearance lawyers will undergo when their trials attract national coverage. (see, Clark, Marcia.) (John Kammer, Herndon)

Position-monically -- v., to kneel.

(Charlie Myers, Laurel)

Clin-gon -- n., a creature with high intelligence but strange sexual practices. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Diffi-cated -- n., suffered from constipation. (Adrienne G. Hope, Gaithersburg; Hannelore Aronstein, Falls Church)

Grandpar-ing -- n., the gradual loss of one's elderly relatives. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Ken-stitutional -- adj., describing one's authority to investigate whatever, forever. (Ginny Carr and Robert McBride, Woodbridge)

Mary-o'lanterns -- n., Jack's politically correct counterparts. (Benjamin Eye, Washington)

Lead-membering -- n., a proposition, Clinton-style. (G. Smith, Falls Church)

Bo-bachev -- n., a Russian clown.

(Fred Dawson, Beltsville)

Next Week: Paying The Bill