Week 288: Picture This


This Week's Contest: What is happening in these pictures? Choose one or more. First prize winner gets a Collector's Edition Diana Princess of Wales doll, still in the box, a truly cheesy likeness that sort of resembles Diana only in the sense that a bottle of Yoo-Hoo sort of resembles Erskine Bowles. This is worth $ 40.

First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 288, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Sept. 28. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Ear No One Reads was written by Richard Leiby of Silver Spring. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 285, in which we asked you to take any expression featuring a number, add or subtract one, and supply a new definition.

But first, a brief apology to Caitlin Carlson and Leslie Jones of Rockville, who were recently awarded matching photographs of elephants pooping. These photographs have been misplaced by a someone who tragically mistook them for worthless, revolting vulgarities. Besides, the Czar has been informed that the awarded prizes were unsuitable because Caitlin and Leslie are minors. Therefore, he has come up with fine replacements: Caitlin wins four miniature athletic supporters suitable for a Chihuahua, and Leslie wins a T-shirt commemorating the surgery performed on John Wayne Bobbitt.

Fourth Runner-Up: The Year 2001 Problem -- How to find jobs for all those programmers hired to solve the Year 2000 problem. (David Kleinbard, Silver Spring)

Third Runner-Up: Catch-23 -- Complete previous catch before proceeding to this step.

(John Kammer, Herndon)

Second Runner-Up: 006 -- A secret agent with a license to hurt his enemies' feelings.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

First Runner-Up: Catch-21 -- When you can't tell the truth about your affair with a 21-year-old intern, but can't lie about it either. (Pat Davis, Beltsville)

And the winner of the photograph of Tonya Harding personally autographed by Tonya 'to The Czar and His Subjects':

The Eight Deadly Sins -- Pride, lust, envy, anger, gluttony, covetousness, sloth and not being sorry. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Honorable Mentions:

7.02 x 1023 -- Avogradro's fax number.

(Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Fortune 501 -- Levi Strauss makes the list, but just by the seat of its pants. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

The 13th of Never -- When Johnny Mathis gets married. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.)

Fifty-One Ways to Leave Your Lover -- Ruthann Aron writes the song sequel. (Julia Gordon, Washington)

Fifty-One Ways to Leave Your Lover -- "Don't leave a spill, Bill." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

R2D3 -- The illegitimate offspring of R2D2 and C3PO. (Julia Gordon, Washington)

The IX Files -- Gripping tales from Title IX lawsuits against college athletic programs. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Indy 501 -- A race to unbutton your jeans in time. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.)

Negative One Mostel -- Mrs. Mostel had the better lawyer. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

E Pluribus Duo -- If the South had won the war. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Motel 5 -- If you're not there by midnight, they turn off the light. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

11:59 High -- When obsessive-compulsives meet for a duel. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

Dressed to the Eights -- Impeccably attired, except your fly is open. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Snow White and the Six Dwarfs -- "That's right, Timmy, he's not really Sleepy. He's dead! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA." (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Six Brides for Seven Brothers -- Someone's gonna get hurt. (Douglas Riley, Reston)

Catch-21 -- You are finally old enough to buy liquor, but depressed because you don't get carded anymore. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Snow White and the Eight Dwarfs -- The title, before they expelled Gassy. (Steve Hahn, College Park)

One Tolerance -- In life, as in golf, one deserves a mulligan. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Looking out for Number Two -- Crossing a cow pasture. (Joe Kobylski, Gaithersburg; Dave Yost, Winchester; Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

The 1,000,001 Man March -- Farrakhan forgot to count himself. (Stephen Mather, College Park)

Cycle 5 Dog Food -- That special black can for dogs who have outlived their usefulness.

(Dave Yost, Winchester)

The B0 Bomber -- Violates international agreements on the use of chemical weapons. (Ken Fishbein, Cockeysville)

Those six tobacco company executives --

One died of "natural causes." (Joel Knanishu,

Rock Island, Ill.)

Eighth-Inning Stretch -- Marks that appear on the abdomen one month before delivery. They never go away. Ever. No matter how many damn sit-ups you do. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Five Eyes -- Other kids can be cruel when you are Siamese twins, and one of you is wearing a monocle. (Ralph Scott, Washington)

Eleven-four -- Goodbye and good riddance. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

97 Tears -- Song by Apostrophe and the Mysterians. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Fortune 501 -- Really, really expensive jeans. (Greg Arnold, Herndon)

Next Week: Clintoons