Week 285: Elevenis, Anytwo?


The Nine Commandments -- Newly issued after the O.J. trial.

Forty-Four-Forty or Fight -- Revised territorial claim on Canada, when it became obvious that the original demand required annexation of Edmonton.

Hawaii Four-0 -- Honolulu surf bum turns his life around, makes the dean's list.

6-6-5 -- The mark on the forehead of Satan's slightly less evil brother, Stan.

The Four Stooges

This Week's Contest was suggested by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring, who basically stole it from Victor Borge and therefore wins nothing. Stephen suggests that you take a common phrase containing a specific number, add or subtract one, and explain the revised phrase. First-prize winner gets the incredible prize Dudzik himself has donated to The Style Invitational: a photograph of Tonya Harding personally autographed by Tonya "to The Czar and His Subjects." This object is priceless.

First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 285, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Sept. 7. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Pitch No One Catches was written by David Genser of Arlington. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 282, in which you were invited to take any story from that day's Post and append to it a snide comment.

More than twenty people responded to this headline: Husband of Accused Child Killer Misses Her with some variation of this: Perhaps he should buy a better scope.

Fifth Runner-Up: Stocks' Downturn Can Have Upside

You mean the way my IRA just took a shot upside the head?

(Amy Fine, Bethesda; Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Fourth Runner-Up: Child Exploiter Admits Murder

Uh, Mr. President, I suggest that you not get into that Vince Foster thing in your testimony ... (Robin D. Grove, Arlington)

Third Runner-Up: Deaths Elsewhere: Yuen Charonensuk, Crocodile Hunter

If ever a ceremony screamed "closed casket ..." (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

Second Runner-Up: HIV Spread Threatens Cambodia

Officials recommend return to margarine. (John Kammer, Herndon)

First Runner-Up: Script for Presidential Confession Fraught With Risks

Mea Gulpa (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg; Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

And the winner of the severed human head:

Late on a June night at Giovanni restaurant on West 55th Street, the sour-faced manager of a large investment fund was grilling Michael Saylor, an eager young chief executive, over a plate of sea bass.

Saylor might need to cook a bit longer than the fish.

(Ralph Scott, Washington)

Honorable Mentions:

In Montgomery, Paramedic Stabbed

By His Patient

Stabbed in the Montgomery? Man, that's gotta hurt.

(Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

Silver Spring Couple To Serve 21 Months

How'd they get such a sweet deal when the rest of us have to marry for life?

(John Kammer, Herndon)

Prince George's Prosecutor Put On Defensive

I guess the Redskins are really getting desperate.

(Dwight Davis, Arlington)

Riverdale Voters Approve Name Change

They were tired of being called "Jugheads." (John Ruthinoski, Alexandria)

Grandparents Fighting for Time With Children

And you thought ESPN couldn't sink any lower. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

Following the Trail Of Powder

I told Tammy Faye there was no way a smash-and-grab could work. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Service Delays Expected as Bell Workers Strike

So how will we know when the strike is over? (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

Families Meet, Cry, Connect: Girl's Relatives Come Together

You gotta love them West Virginians. (Niels Hoven,

Silver Spring)

Commander of Crew in Italy Reassigned

Whew, talk about a steep cable bill. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Mount Cezanne

Cezanne Sommers? Sure! (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Rain-Soaked Wisconsin Assesses Damage

There goes the Sheboygan tourist trade. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Prince William Finds Little Relief

With all those rooms in the castle, sometimes it's hard to find the loo. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

My Ankle Bone's Connected to the Coolest Shoe in School

Too bad your brain bone's connected to the seat of your pants. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

For 15 months, the INS has refused to process Tal Klement's citizenship application because he is disabled and does not have all ten fingers to fingerprint.

Maybe Tal could give the middle finger five extra times. (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.)

Palestinian lawmakers nearly came to blows during a debate.

They disagreed about why Israel won't believe they're peace-loving. (Daryl P. Friedman, Reston)

Anne Heche proves she can steam up the screen with a guy. Love scenes were no problem, partially because there was real chemistry between her and her leading man.

Hell, there is real chemistry in a manure bomb.

(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Victoria's Secret sells 30 times more size 32 bras in New York than it averages in other cities.

Proving once again that New Yorkers lack the milk of human kindness. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Warren Christopher's new book on American foreign policy is unlikely to leap onto the bestseller shelves.

And liver-flavored soft drinks are unlikely to unseat Coke and Pepsi. (Russ Beland, Springfield)

And Last:

But, with what one outside presidential adviser called a "mound" of evidence ...

Um, I think I will just demand a bumper sticker for not making a snide comment here.

(J. Larry Schott, Gainesville)

Next Week: Uh-Oh