Week 283: Uh-Oh


During a speech by Marion Barry: "... but I have had to ask myself who among these candidates can protect the rights of the young and the old, and I ..."

From your girlfriend: "... and some relationships turn out to be even more rewarding when they are not burdened by sexual demands ..."

From your insurance agent:

"... interestingly, an Act of God turns out to have a more narrow definition than one might think ..."

This Week's Contest was proposed by Elden Carnahan of Laurel, who wins a night light for his toilet bowl. Elden suggests that you come up with Uh-oh lines. Uh-oh lines are statements that occur in the middle of a seemingly benign speech or conversation, suddenly alerting the listener that he is about to hear some bad news. First-prize winner gets a handmade yellow-and-brown crocheted lion head that would make an excellent pincushion if it were not the size of a sumo wrestler's buttock, and approximately as attractive.

First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 283, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 24. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Abbrv No One Ntcs was written by Sandra Hull of Arlington. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 280, in which we asked you to come up with colorful euphemisms for one of six base acts.

Seventh Runner-Up -- Marrying for money: Buying a sleeper car on the gravy train.

(David Genser, Arlington)

Sixth Runner-Up -- Lying on your resume: Inventing sliced bread.

(Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Fifth Runner-Up -- Overeating: Fulfilling one's density.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Fourth Runner-Up -- Overeating: Performing a reverse Heimlich.

(Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

Third Runner-Up -- Undressing someone with your eyes: Taking one's pupils on a field trip to Cannes. (T. J. Murphy, Arlington)

u Second Runner-Up -- Relieving a wedgie: Helping a jockey come from behind.

(Ralph Scott, Washington)

First Runner-Up -- Relieving a wedgie: Visiting Hanes point.

(Marc and Alison Levy, Rockville)

And the winner of an object so revolting we cannot describe it here:

Undressing someone with your eyes: Checking out Lois Lane.

(Joe Kobylski, Gaithersburg)

Honorable Mentions:

Overeating

Installing software.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Maxing out your elastic.

(Kate Schwarz, Fairfax)

Keeping the ice cream population under control. (Chris Kaufman, Lanham)

Reasserting one's dominance in the food chain. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Growing as an individual.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Undressing Someone With Your Eyes

Seeking inner beauty. (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg; Gary Welsh, Cabin John)

Guessing Victoria's secret.

(Courtney Knauth, Washington)

Giving a great big Arkansas hello.

(Joseph Romm, Washington)

Steaming away the wallpaper.

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Checking your monitor while rebooting your hard drive. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse)

Cheating on your expense account:

Buying lunch for Linda Tripp's friends.

(David Genser, Arlington)

Reducing your employer's taxable income. (David Kleinbard, Silver Spring)

Upgrading one's benefits package.

(Dave Olds, Hagerstown)

Taking taxis to the men's room.

(David Genser, Arlington)

Relieving a Wedgie

Attending to the bottom line.

(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Saying no to crack. (Tara Kennedy, Brentwood; Roz Levine, McLean)

Making a loin item veto.

(Phil Frankenfeld, Washington)

Clearing acreage in the Netherlands.

(Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

Attending to a debriefing. (Sandra Hull, Arlington; Rebecca Churilla, Rockville)

Quelling the Boxer Rebellion.

(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Marrying for Money

Estate planning. (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg)

Not letting your emotions get the best of you. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

Entering pre-widowhood.

(Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

Lying on Your Resume

Investing in the bull market.

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Leveling the playing field with all those cheating bastards.

(Katherine Mangu-Ward, Alexandria)

Going to Har-de-Harvard.

(David Genser, Arlington)

Ensuring a prosperous future by creating a better yesterday.

(Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

Collaborating with Dr. Shuck and Professor Jive. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

And Last:

Describing this as "Published in the Washington Post."

(Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)

Next Week: Calculate The Odds