Week 280: EXPRESSING IT NICELY


Overeating.

Lying on your resume.

Cheating on your expense account.

Undressing someone with your eyes.

Marrying for money.

Relieving a wedgie.

This Week's Contest was suggested by Jean Sorensen of Herndon, who wins a Peter Meter donated to the Style Invitational by Greg Arnold of Herndon, who wins a bottle of Rose Flower water, which has an eerily strong scent of roses. Jean suggests that you come up with colorful expressions for one or more of the above six activities, to make them sound a little less tawdry. (Example: Relieving a wedgie -- "Pickin' cotton in the Deep South.") First-prize winner gets an object so revolting we cannot entirely describe it here. It is a small stuffed doll called a "Meanie" baby, one of a series of 12. This one's doing something very, very rude. It is worth $ 20.

First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 280, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 3. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Cry No One Hears was written by Brian Broadus of Charlottesville. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 277, in which you were asked to offer new, exciting blurbs that would help sell classic works of film or literature to modern audiences.

Fourth Runner-Up -- A lovely young girl escapes from a cannibal and flees into a forest, where she sleeps with seven men: "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

Third Runner-Up -- A giant object hurtles toward Earth, and nothing can stop it: "King Kong" (Hank Zangara, Washington; Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Second Runner-Up -- Local townspeople are threatened when an unexplained bright golden haze in a meadow creates mutant corn: "Oklahoma!" (Frank T. Kearns, Reston)

First Runner-Up -- Asteroids, betrayal, explosions, lesbians, murder -- it's all here! Webster's Unabridged Dictionary (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

And the winner of the rug depicting the moon landing --

On a dark and stormy night, a misunderstood genius creates life, but it escapes and runs amok: The Book of Genesis (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Honorable Mentions:

A young woman trying to excel in a traditionally male leadership position is persecuted, then fired. -- "Saint Joan" (David Genser, Arlington)

William Shakespeare's 17th-century interpretation of Leonardo DiCaprio's work of the same name. -- "Romeo and Juliet" (Scott Wilson, Great Falls)

A group of men struggle to help each other overcome an erectile problem. -- "The Bridge on the River Kwai" (Dave Garratt, Greenbelt)

Size does matter! -- "Moby Dick," "Gulliver's Travels," "Cyrano De Bergerac," "Little Women," "Lysistrata" (J. Larry Schott, Gainesville, Fla.)

With a lot of money on the line, a crook persuades a famous fighter to take a dive. -- "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

A time traveler rescues an impoverished family. -- "A Christmas Carol" (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

A dozen men, trapped together, with murder on their minds. Who will survive? -- "Twelve Angry Men" (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Black-robed serial killer plays with his victims first. -- "The Seventh Seal" (Jessica Steinhice Mathews, Arlington)

Food! Booze! Sex! -- "The Rubaiyat" (Joseph Romm, Washington)

A woman is swept off her feet by a tall, dark stranger. -- "King Kong" (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Powerful political leader ignores his Psychic Friend's advice at his own peril. -- "Julius Caesar" (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

An innocent young man spends his life on the run from a one-armed man. -- "Peter Pan" (Sandra Hull, Arlington, and Stu Solomon, Springfield)

While their husbands are off fighting World War II, sexy, athletic young women perform for men who keep them in diamonds. -- "A League of Their Own" (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

Crowds gather to watch rival gangs of bat-wielding women. -- "A League of Their Own" (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

A city is consumed in a huge fire. A woman vomits. -- "Gone With the Wind" (T.J. Murphy, Arlington)

An aristocratic beauty spends most of this story on her back on a multitude of mattresses before she is completely satisfied. -- "The Princess and the Pea" (Ralph Scott, Washington)

A show about nothing. -- "Waiting for Godot" (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

A mystery involving a lost high school senior. -- "Where's Waldo?" (Mary Jessel Clarke, Falls Church)

A young immigrant's tale of success with the aid of his extended family. -- "The Godfather: Part II" (Howard Walderman, Columbia)

Trojans. Women. Need we say more? -- "The Trojan Women" (Joseph Romm, Washington)

O.J. Simpson gets thrown down stairs, folded in two, and tortured in several other ways. -- "Naked Gun" (David Genser, Arlington)

Next Week: The Stale Invitational