Week 275: There once was a contest from Nantucket...

There once was a lady from Laurel
Renowned for accomplishments oral.
What's that, you mutter?
Your mind's in the gutter!
She's a pastor. Her sermons are moral.

There once was a man from Dunn Loring
Who was most unacceptably boring.
When he told a few jokes
He got a buzz out of folks.
Unfortunately, most were just snoring.

There once was a man from Fauquier...

This Week's Contest was suggested by Jimmy Jung of Falls Church, who wins a packet of "Aged Garlic Extract" caplets, mailed on the very day that the Journal of the American Medical Association declared that garlic, contrary to industry claims, has no beneficial effects on cholesterol levels. Jimmy suggests that you write a limerick, like the two above, requiring a first line about someone who comes from some place in the Washington area. First-prize winner gets an unopened, vintage 1992 board game, "Running for President," a canny, witty, politically astute game that flopped like a flounder on linoleum. It's worth $ 20.

First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-Shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 275, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Also, please do not append "attachments," which tend not to be read. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 29. Important: Please include your postal address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Box No One Opens was written by Russ Beland and Maureen Flaherty of Springfield. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 272, in which you were asked to supply captions to any of six cartoons.

But first, an important message. Elden Carnahan of Laurel, the official historian of the Style Invitational, notifies us of the impendence of a Wondrous Event. In the next two or three weeks, some newcomer will become the 2,000th reader to have his or her name published for the first time in the Invitational. When this occurs, we will celebrate in typical Style Invitational fashion, which will involve the public humiliation of the luckless Loser 2000.

Third Runner-Up: (Cartoon B) Wile E. Coyote had better watch out, now that the Road Runner has retained counsel. (Stu Solomon, Springfield)

Second Runner-Up: (Cartoon B) The Quayle 2000 campaign slogan of "A Chicken in Every Garage" actually caught on! (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

First Runner-Up: (Cartoon A) Concerned White House staffer takes a moment to notify Ken Starr that his office building is on fire.

(Michael Wright, Washington)

And the winner of the Playboy Club tankards:

(Cartoon E) Would the croc buy Walter's last-ditch claim that he was the Tooth Fairy?

(Edward Mickolus, Dunn Loring)

Honorable Mentions:

Cartoon A:

The makers of Viagra begin a national billboard campaign.

(T.J. Murphy, Arlington)

Ironically, Larry misjudged the space remaining on the "FORESIGHT!" sign. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

It was soon apparent that the entire Gettysburg Address would not fit on the billboard. (Dudley Thompson, Silver Spring)

New York City's new tourism slogan is concise and to the point. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel; Justin Warner, Washington)

Dan Quayle demonstrates his support for phonics. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

Not to be outdone by the federal government, the cash-strapped District starts work on its FDR memorial. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

Cartoon B:

Just another guy who can't figure out how to get down off a duck. (Russ Beland, Springfield)

True, it was a very small commuter flight, but Henry found the dinner of regurgitated worms smooth and easy to digest.

(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Just another chicken-sit contest in the Style Invitational. (David Genser, Arlington)

After so many contenders dropped out, Real Quiet's competition in the Preakness was not that impressive. (T.J. Murphy, Arlington)

It's the fifth race at Aqueduck.

(Paul J. Crystal, Arlington)

At last, the answer: The chicken crossed the road because his jockey was wearing spurs. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Cartoon C:

Dilbert has just discovered the hidden camera.

(Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

Kathie Lee hauls out pictures of her son, Cody, as a zygote. (Paul Styrene, Olney)

The boob tube. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac; Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

Cartoon D:

Patty Beth grew up to become chief of the India/Pakistan division at the CIA.

(Sarah Worcester, Bowie)

After years of extensive and expensive testing, government scientists say they have at last found the solution to the "ice cream dripping from the hole in the bottom of the sugar cone" problem. (Tansy Matthews, Reston)

The inventor of the upside-down cake never did match her success in subsequent experiments. (Peter J. Hughes, Alexandria)

When little Salome wanted a treat, she would ask for the head of Mister Softee. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

At last, the new Spice Girl: "Even Dumber Than the Others" Spice. (Susan Reese, Arlington)

A few bugs still had to be worked out after the opening of the first Ben & Jerry's in Sydney. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

Cartoon E:

ValuJet unveils its new corporate logo. (Cynthia Coe and Ray Aragon, Bethesda)

An experimental theater company is simultaneously staging "Death of a Salesman" and "Peter Pan." (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

Demonstrating a survival tip: Alligators are repelled by human armpit odor. Or, wait, maybe it is crocodiles that are repelled ... (Mike Connaghan, Alexandria)

Cartoon F:

On his deathbed, seeking his final resting place, Robin Hood was forced to shoot one more time. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

In response to nuclear tests by India and Pakistan, Bangladesh tests its own long-range weapons system. (David Kleinbard, Silver Spring)

Next Week: Unseens We'd Like to See