Week 268: What Kind of Foal Am I?
Mate Fleet Admiral with Nudge and name the foal Fleet Enema.
Mate Dabney Carr with Mr. Freeze and name the foal Dabney Coldman.
Mate Buff with Wild Colony and name the foal Nudist Colony.
Mate Missionary to Over the Top and name the foal Man on Top.
This Week's Contest was proposed, as it is every year, by Mike "Mikey the Tout" Hammer of Washington, who wins a trophy depicting a small but dignified replica of a horse's arse. The contest is to take the names of this year's Triple Crown nominees, mate any two of them, and propose a name for their foal. The list is below. You must adhere to the single rule of horse naming: The foal's name must be contained within 18 characters, including spaces. As always, ignore the gender of the horses if you happen to know them. First-prize winner receives a pair of genuine size 5 lace panties that play "You Are My Sunshine." They are worth $ 25. First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 268, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 11. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Number No One Calls was written by Jennifer Hart of Arlington. Employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes.
Report from Week 265, in which we asked you to come up with new products that are combinations of two existing products, like the spork.
But first, a quick attaboy to the Style Invitational's own Robert Staake, of the St. Louis, Mo., Staakes. Bob has won the 1997 newspaper illustration Cartoonist of the Year "Reuben" award from the National Cartoonists Society. This is a highly prestigious honor that customarily makes cartoonists jack their fees right through the roof, extorting outlandish pay from the same kindhearted newspaper editors who had been nice enough to give the semiliterate slobs a decent wage for a few chicken scrawlings and look what it gets them: economic blackmail from sleazy, greedy, ungrateful, piece-of-human-waste criminal ingrates who drink too much. Don't try it, Bob, or we'll ruin you, close you down tighter than a kettledrum in pickle juice. And Congratulations! Back to sporks:
Fourth Runner-Up: The Slipscoop: A combination bedroom slipper and pooper scooper. No need to stop and bend over; simply slipscoop it up and place-kick it over the neighbor's fence. Three points! (Sunny C. Doman, Falls Church)
Third Runner-Up: Rogocaine--A cross between Rogaine and cocaine. It grows nose hair. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Second Runner-Up: Gromit--Combination syrup of ipecac and tile grout. Makes triumph out of tragedy when you don't quite make it to the toilet bowl. (Russ Beland, Springfield)
First Runner-Up: The F'c'w'le'ha--A combination forecastle (fo'c's'le), gunwale (gunnel) and halfpenny (ha'p'n'y) I have no idea what it is, I just get a kick out of the idea that no one knows how to pronounce it. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
And the winner of the Chinese Propaganda Record:
AK-486--A combination of an AK-47 and the RU-486 "morning after" pill. This assault weapon has an automatic-delay firing pin, permitting disgruntled postal workers to rethink their rage. (T.J. Murphy, Arlington)
Honorable Mentions:
The Sigmoidoseat--A combination sigmoidoscope and deck chair, molded to resemble seats at the MCI arena. This chair allows you to watch the Wizards play on TV while staying at home, and you get the same sensation you'd have after shelling out $ 75 in the new arena. (T.J. Murphy, Arlington)
The Sport-futility vehicle--A combination futon and sport utility vehicle, this device is for people whose idea of off-road adventure is to pull off the road and take a nap. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
The Bordullo--Half brothel, half think tank. An establishment where Washington men go to pay for what they REALLY want: Cogent policy analysis. (David Genser, Arlington)
The Escaladder--A combination escalator and ladder, similar to an escalator that you climb step by step. This device is often found in Metro stations. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
The Buzzclock--A combination buzz saw and alarm clock, this device activates a spinning blade in the headboard and a conveyor belt in the mattress after its snooze button is hit a third time. What time is it? Time to stop sawing wood! (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.)
The Pink--Pen and ink packaged together, so you don't have to keep refilling the pen. No muss, no fuss! (Russ Beland, Springfield)
The Bassipult--A sound-activated bassinet and catapult. Never again be bothered by Baby crying in the night. (Paul Kondis, Alexandria)
The Heliblower--A combination helicopter and leaf blower, for people who want to one-up their neighbor's annoyingly loud lawn-maintenance appliances. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)
The Remoilet--A combination remote channel changer and toilet. Not only do you not have to get up to change the channel, you don't have to get up for anything, ever. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)
And Last:
Circlepost--The Washington Post printed in a round format. I know this doesn't fit the contest, but it would fit my parrot cage nicely. (Joe Ponessa, Philadelphia)
Next Week: Definitely Weird
A P Ruler; Accelerated Time; Aki Waki; Albadar; Allen's Oop; American Odyssey; Anejo Gold; Archers Bay; Artax; Ask Angelino; Athletic Prowess; Atlantic Fleet; Availability; Baquero; Basic Trainee; Battle Royale; Battle Sword; Beau Dancer; Besttobeabachelor; Billy Haggard; Black Cash; Blues Event; Bright Nova; Broad Jumper; Buddha's Delight; Buddy Raines; Buff; Bushs Boy; Call to Order; Cape Town; Captain Hook; Captain Maestri; Carloway; Carnivorous Habit; Carson City Bandit; Case Dismissed; Casimir; Castine; Cat Doctor; Celtic Lord; Change Over Time; Chateau Royal; Chemie; Cinnamon Creek; Clark Street; Classic Cat; Classic Time; Clever Actor; Close the Book; Clover Hunter; Comic Strip; Commitisize; Copelan Too; Coronado's Quest; Countess Diana; Court Costs; Covenant; Cowboy Dan; Crock of Gold; Crowd Pleaser; Crypto Comet; Cure the Devil; Czar Zarb.
Da Devil; Dabney Carr; Dance Brightly; Daniel My Brother; Danielle's Gray; Danzigoer; Dawn Exodus; Dawson's Legacy; Del Mar Dancer; Demon's Law; Deputy Command; Deputy Diamond; Detective; Devilish Dan; Diamond; Diamond Studs; Dice Dancer; Disruptive; Dixie Dot Com; Dixie Dynamo; Doc Martin; Double Guarantee; Draw Again; Dublin Gene; E Z Line; Early Warning; East of Easy; Eetoo; El Estelar; Erasmus Hall; Errant Escort; Event of the Year; Excellent Luck; Expectations; Expressionist; FJ's Pace; Fallen Halo; Famed Tap; Fargo; Fat Lady's Maestro; Favorite Trick; Fight for M'Lady; Fire and Rain; Fire in the Hole; Firing Battery; First Step; Fleet Admiral; Full Brush; Futuristic; Gadilimi; Gambino; Giuseppi's Dream; Go Not Whoa; Gold Clearance; Golden Missile; Gonewithoutatrace; Good and Tough; Grand Slam; Great Expedition; Groovin; Guapo; Gunny Sarge.
Haillye's Prince; Halo Flash; Halory Hunter; Halos and Horns; Hanuman Highway; Heart Surgeon; Hefferius; Here Comes Charlie; Hez a Keeper; Hibernian Rhapsody; Highland Friend; Highland Gold; Historic; Hitech; Holy Capote; Hot Wire; Hunter's Glory; I'll Play These; Iamsofortunate; Ian's Thunder; If Not You Who; Impressionist; Indian Charlie; Indy Talent; Indy's Special; Internet Blackout; Intimidate; Invest West; Jerash; Jerricho Shout; Jess M; Jigadee; Jigwater; Jody's Playmate; Joe's Field; Just Call Me Girl; Just a Devil; Just a Hint; Justamatteroftime; Keene Dancer; Kim's Testamony; Known Space; Kona Wind.
La Jolla Slew; Ladies Din; Lady's Choice; Late Edition; Laydown; Leave a Legacy; Lexicon; Lightin' Gulch; Lil's Lad; Limit Out; Liquid Gold; Long Point; Lord Hansel; Lord Smith; Love Lock; Macho Amigo; Magest; Magic Cat; Magical; Make No Mistake; Malaka Head; Man Oh Man; Maneuvered; Manly Valentine; Mantles Star; Mark the Moment; Master O Foxhounds; Mellow Roll; Metatonia; Mickel the Mouse; Middlesex Drive; Missionary; Mister Business; Mojave Wind; Moonlight Meeting; Mount Defiance; Mountain Metal; Mr. Dixie; Mr. Fortune; Mr. Freeze; Mr. Saint; Mus Ad; Myfavorite Place.
Natalis; Nationalore; Nite Dreamer; Northern Devil; Not Tricky; Nudge; Old Topper; Old Trieste; Olympus; One Bold Stroke; One Niner Tango; One Way Love; Opening Word; Ore Deal; Ormelie; Orville n Wilbur's; Outer Banks; Over the Top; P Day; Parade Ground; Pasay; Pine Harbor; Pirate Stronghold; Pleasant Breeze; Pleasant Drive; Polished Brass; Poolman; Power Train; Power and Peace; Prairie Storm; Prime Meridian; Prince Amilius; Princely Paul; Proper Performer; Proper Ridge; Prosperous Bid; Pulzarr; Puppet Master.
Quake; Raffie's Majesty; Ragged Kingdom; Real Quiet; Recommended List; Red Reef; Red Wraith; Regal Zipper; Regent's Marque; Reraise; Rio Oro; Risky Buy; Road to Attack; Robinwould; Rock and Roll; Rubiyat; Run Runner.
Sabre Mountain; Saint Gabriel; Salt Please; Sand Ridge; Saratoga Springs; Satanta; Savan; Score Early; Sea Scrolls; Sea of Secrets; Search Me; Seattle Lane; Secret Firm; Shalford's Honour; Shamrock City; Sheltowee Blues; Shooting Iron; Shot of Gold; Shrewd; Silver Chest; Silver Fax; Silver Launch; Silver Swinger; Silver's Prospect; Sir Caelan; Sir Jordan; Sir Mark; Skeaping; Sky Raven; Slaytheodds; Slew O'Quoit; Slick Report; Smolderin Heart; Snowbound; Soldieroffortune; Solid Wood; Sorceror; Soul Warrior; Souvenir Copy; Spartan Cat; Special Nash; Spring Clearance; Squall Valley; St. Michael; Star of Broadway; Stockwatch; Storm Flash; Storm Magest; Straithome; Stratus; Stritzel; Summer Squire; Sun Sail; Super Jet; Sutter; Swear by Dixie; Sweet Lord; Sweetsouthernsaint; Swig; Sydney Harbour.
Tahoe Prospector; Teddy Boy; Temple Owl; Tenbyssimo; Tex Villa; The Gold Key; Thomas Jo; Thunderball; Tiger Shoals; Time Limit; Titus; Tomorrows Cat; Top Cop; Tramp Harbor; Transur; Treasury; Tricky Mizwaki; Tropic Lightning; Truluck; Turkish Prize; Twin Halo; Two O'Clock Rock; Undaunted Mettle; Unloosened; Unreal Love; Untold Story; Urgent Quest; Vergennes; Vernon Invader; Victory Express; Victory Gallop; Vincent Vega; Visit the Circle; Voyamerican; Wadi; Wallace; Wasatch; Watch the Bird; Well Noted; Well Stated; West Forty; Whataflashyactor; Whist; Wild Brain; Wild Colony; Wild Delight; Wild French Nights; Wild Jazz; Wild Memory; Wind Quest; Wiston Cheese; With Anticipation; Yarrow Brae; Yukon Pete; Zippy Zeal; Zonker.