Week 262 -- Campaign for One


I ask only for your vote on election day. And if that is too much, me and the boys will administer a pistol-whipping you will never forget

I will never lie to you. Unless of course I am caught doing something really disgusting, like putting a mirror on my shoetops to look up girls' dresses

My opponent, while qualified, has a monstrously large behind

Most of you will see me standing up here and will say to yourselves, 'I like what he says, but I wonder what he looks like naked.' Well "

This Week's Contest was proposed by Niels Hoven of Silver Spring, a frequent winner of the Style Invitational who has long beguiled us with his naughty but urbane wit, elevating the general level of humor beyond the banal into new strata of wry, world-weary iconoclasm.

We have just now learned that Niels Hoven of Silver Spring is 17. A junior at Montgomery Blair High School, Niels says he has become so tired of humorless, platitudinous campaign speeches by student government weenies that he is going to run for office himself. He asks for your help in making his speeches more interesting. Design a line for Niels to deliver that will wake up a snoozing audience. First-prize winner receives a copy of a glossy Bangladeshi magazine called Full Moon, donated to the Invitational by Kitty Thuermer of Washington. It is written entirely in Bengali. It is about the American scandal of the day. The cover features an obviously spliced photograph in which the president of the United States appears to be staring soulfully, with deep reflection, at Ms. Lewinsky's bosom. This is worth a great deal of money.

First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 262, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this spanking new address: loserswashpost.com. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 30. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Today's Contract Fine Print No One Reads is a product of the minds that bring you The Style Invitational. Employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 259, in which we asked you to take the actual phone numbers of area businesses and rewrite them into old fashioned word-exchanges, a la BUtterfield 8.

Mary Ann the Lawyer requires us to note that this is all in good fun and the humor contained herein is expressly designed as satire and neither The Washington Post nor any of its agents or subsidiaries thereof is making any representation of a negative nature about any of these fine and reputable businesses, all of which are deserving of the Nobel Prize for lifetime achievement in the field of just being simply terrific. Mary Ann the Lawyer, as always, feels her disclaimer in no way undercuts the humor of this feature. (In fact, we think it kind of gets her excited.) Some entries too popular to reward with prizes: the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms -- WAco 7-7777; St. Elizabeths -- LOony 2-4000 and the Pentagon -- KIll 5-6700.

Third Runner-Up: National Institute for Dispute Resolution -- GOtohell 6-4764

(Roy Ashley, Washington)

Second Runner-Up: Montgomery Hospice Society -- ARrivederci 9-2566

(Bill Strider, Gaithersburg)

First Runner-Up: Hoover Co. -- MOnica 8-8100

(T.J. Murphy, Arlington; Paul Styrene, Olney)

And the Winner of the Campus Cuties:

U.S. Inspector General, Office of Fraud, Waste and Abuse -- 1-800-TOiletseats 9-4499

(Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Honorable Mentions:

Defense Intelligence Agency -- OXymoron 5-0175 (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg)

International Brotherhood of Teamsters -- MAfia 4-6800 (Lee Mayer and Paul Laporte, Washington)

AARP -- GEezer 4-2277 (Jennifer Hart, Arlington; Sarah Worcester, Bowie; Mary K. Phillips, Falls Church)

The Pew Center -- DEodorize 1-3200

(Paul Kondis, Alexandria)

Telepersonals -- DEsperate 1-7777

(Paul Kondis, Alexandria; Dave Pimentel, Bethesda)

National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws -- HUngry 3-5500

(Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring; David Genser, Arlington; Susan Reese, Arlington)

The Hearing and Speech Center, Wheaton -- WHaaa? 9-8070 (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg)

D.C. Rental Housing Commission -- RAttrap 7-7400 (Lee Mayer and Paul Laporte, Washington)

Jehovah's Witnesses -- DIngdong 0-0217 (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

International Joint Commission -- REefer 6-9000 (Gerry Minetos, Alexandria; Chuck Smith, Washington)

U-Haul of Rockville -- FErtilizer 0-6347

(Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

National Association of Brick Distributors -- er, SHeethouse 9-6223 (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

The Arbor Center for Marriage and Sexual Dysfunction -- FLaccid 2-8900 (T.J. Murphy, Arlington)

Chas. H. Finn & Sons Plumbing -- BUttcrack 3-6190 (Dave Ferry, Leesburg)

National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases -- HYpochondriacs 6-4000 (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

National Institute on Drug Abuse -- GIggles 3-6245 (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

IRS -- VAmpire 9-1040 (Jeremy Erwin, Herndon)

D.C. Alcohol and Drug Abuse Services Administration -- SAuced-7-1765

(Woody Franke, Reston)

Ken Starr's law firm -- TSk-tsk 9-5000

(J. Duffy, New York)

Senate Appropriations Committee -- CAndyland 4-3471 (David Genser, Arlington)

Outback Steakhouse -- MAdcow-7-0063

(Jose Cortina, Centreville)

National Pasta Association -- THighmaster 1-0818 (Cheryl C. Kagan, Rockville)

White Flint Shopping Center -- HOity-toity 8-5777 (Bill Strider, Gaithersburg)

Selective Service System -- BEndover 5-2555 (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Next Week: It's a Snap