Week 259: SPARE EXCHANGE, BUDDY?


The Washington Post: EDitorializing 4-6000

Congress: BAbel 5-3121

The White House: ILlicit 6-1414

This Week's Contest returns to the days of yesteryear, when telephone numbers weren't just numbers. Used to be, they were five digits with a two-letter precede. BEechwood 4-5-7-8-9. PEnnsylvania 6-5000. So, open the phone book. Take the phone number of any business or government office in the Washington area, translate the first two digits into their constituent letters and propose an appropriate one-word exchange. First-prize winner gets a complete set of "Campus Cuties," which was marketed as a child's toy but appears to be 1964-era soft porn. The "Cuties" are eight little demure beige plastic figurines of bosomy women in various semi-revealing costumes ("On the Town," "At the Beach" and of course "Nitey Nite," in which the improbably proportioned cutie is in a teddy.) This fine collector's item is worth $ 50.

First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 259, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, March 9. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Forces of Satan will Stride forward from the burg of Gaither to smite the ear. Next Week: Employees of the Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 256, in which you were asked to come up with modern punny riddles to help the Thomas W. Pyle Middle School update its quizzes.

-- Fourth Runner-Up: Who is covering the Iraq crisis for the state of Israel? Wolf Blintzer!

(David Genser, Arlington)

-- Third Runner-Up: Why does the president of the United States seem so out of touch with reality? Because he keeps looking at the world through Rhodes Scholared glasses!

(Marian Carlsson, Lexington, Va.)

-- Second Runner-Up: What foreign city has the largest population of thin people with heart problems? Phnom Fen-Phen! (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

-- First Runner-Up: Who breaks your leg and an hour later breaks it again? Tonya Har Ding! (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

-- And the Winner of the cowboy snow globe:

What do you get when you cross Milton Berle with Saddam Hussein?

The Thief of Bad Gags! (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, and Dave Ferry, Leesburg)

-- Honorable Mentions:

Who raises cholesterol rates? Alan Greenspam! (David Genser, Arlington)

What Spanish explorer discovered the fountain of lame humor? Puns De Leon! (Paul Laporte and Lee Mayer, Washington)

What did the man name his Internet-surfing dog? Browser! (Glenn Smith, Reston)

What did the guy do after walking all over town, tiring out his feet, unsuccessfully trying to sell his old, obsolete computer featuring a CP/M operating system? He ground it up into Epson salts! (Glenn Smith, Reston)

How can we now refer to Mother Teresa?

Nun of the Above. (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

How do you describe a nutty cloning doctor who is having a bad day? Eggsasperated!

(Sandra Hull, Arlington)

How did lawyers for the head of the Unification Church console him after a judge stripped him of the Washington Times? Hey, it's only a paper, Moon! (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Who ran an escort service endorsed by the American Dental Association? Heidi Floss! (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

What do you call a being from outer space who abducts a human child? Woody Alien.

(Roy Ashley, Washington)

What is the whitest of white breads? Barry Maniloaf! (David Genser, Arlington)

Why did the executors for the estate of Jack Kent Cooke tell the family they were all cut out of his will? Aw, they were just putting on heirs! (Russ Beland, Springfield)

What rock star died of a candy overdose?

Elvis Pezley! (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Why did Dan Quayle try to pack his clothes inside a dead cow on the shuttle to New York? He thought the sign said "Carrion Luggage Only"! (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Which TV superhero has absolutely no cult following? Zima, Warrior Princess!

(David Genser, Arlington)

Why do male astronauts don female clothing during reentry? They want to maximize atmospheric drag! (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

What is President Clinton's favorite musical instrument? The sex-phone! (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

What is Oprah Winfrey's least favorite TV show? Meat Depress! (Linda Shevitz, Greenbelt)

Which middle school is just a giant pain in the butt? Pile Middle School! (David Genser, Arlington)

-- And Last: Why is New York magazine mad at The Washington Post? For running the Style Imitational! (Paul A. Alter, Hyattsville)

Next Week: Let Us Play