Week 257: LET US PLAY


A deceased fish. Four quarters.

A toilet. A flocked mirror.

A pair of dice. Forty paper clips of assorted sizes.

A rubber band. A Colonel Mustard card.

A Gideon Bible. An umbrella.

A 45 rpm recording of "It's My Party" by Lesley Gore

This week's contest was suggested by Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring, who wins a styrofoam spittoon. Stephen suggests that you create a game, or a prank, that can be played using any two or more of the above objects. First-prize winner gets an antique velour wall hanging featuring a portrait of the White House being contemplated by someone who is either John F. Kennedy or Wally from the original "Leave It to Beaver." This is worth $ 30.

First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 257, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 23. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Page F1 "folio," or as it is colloquially known, the Ear No One Reads, was written by Ms. Sandra Hull of Arlington, Va., which is a suburb of Washington D.C. The very last Ear No One Reads, as you have come to know it, will appear on March 8. The Post's redesign will not accommodate an Ear where it currently exists.We are currently taking nominations for where the Ear can be moved. It must be somewhere in the Style section. It should be someplace equally obvious but equally overlookable. The person who relocates the Ear will win The Czar's personal Loser Pen, right from his pocket, engraved "The Czar." This offer will not be repeated. Good luck. Next week: Shakespearean Ear Credit. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 254, in which we asked you to take any sentence appearing in that day's Washington Post and make it the answer to a question.

Fifth Runner-Up:

A: Great legs in a short skirt make me melt.
Q: Hey, Pillsbury Doughboy, why won't you work with Tina Turner? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Fourth Runner-Up:

A: The Great Pleasantness is coming.
Q: How does Saddam Hussein insist on being announced? (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Third Runner-Up:

A: Right here.
Q: What is the unofficial state motto of New Jersey? (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

Second Runner-Up:

A: "You are clearly not as intelligent as I am, you recognize that, don't you?"
Q: What did President Clinton say to a certain part of his anatomy after the Lewinsky allegations became public? (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

First Runner-Up:

A: "Well, we're glad to be here," astronaut Bonnie Dunbar replied from the shuttle.
Q: Has President Clinton ever made inappropriate advances to female astronauts? (Dave Andrews, Williamsburg)

And the winner of the Super Bowl promotional crap:

A: "They do crafts, sing songs, play the Steinway in the lobby, dance, laugh and swap stories."
Q: According to Saddam Hussein, what are Iraqi scientists really doing in those labs he doesn't want us to see? (David Genser, Arlington)

Honorable Mentions:

A: Her clothes say nothing.
Q: What was the response after Kenneth Starr grilled Monica Lewinsky's dresses for four hours? (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

A: Has been one of top sackmasters throughout career.
Q: Please summarize life of Pres. Clinton. (Mary K. Phillips, Falls Church)

A: The proposed ad campaign -- built around the slogan "Go Baby, Go!" -- isn't going to change these things.
Q: What was Mrs. McCaughey's exasperated response when a PR firm tried to get her to do ads for diapers? (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

A: The clock struck thirteen.
Q: What happened right after President Clinton didn't have sex with Monica Lewinsky? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

A: Mick Jaggeresque, intelligent maverick, wry traveler ISO other half.
Q: How do you sell an ugly old guy who can't hold a job? (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

A: The sources have characterized Lewinsky's moods as ranging from excitement to school-girlish petulance and jealousy, from whining to bitterness and emotional devastation, but such judgments based on an audio tape are open to debate.
Q: If a journalist wanted to slap together an article based on unsubstantiated rumors from anonymous sources while still maintaining an air of moral superiority, what would be a good sentence to use? (Jacob Weinstein, Los Angeles)

A: This is another good thing about geezer fishing.
Q: What did Anna Nicole Smith say on the way to the bank? (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

A: I've had myself cloned.
Q: Mr. President, how can you reconcile the fact that you deny acts Ms. Lewinsky has admitted on tape? (David Sherman, Arlington)

A: A clothes hanger with breasts.
Q: How would most women characterize a super-model? (Gerry Minetos, Alexandria)

A: Marlon begins dating a single mother and finds he has a lot in common with her 7-year-old son.
Q: What sequel to "Last Tango in Paris" do we least want to see? (Jesse Salter, Arlington)

A: Yo quiero defecto.
Q: What did Bill Clinton say to Fidel Castro 24 hours after the Lewinsky scandal broke? (Mike Hummel, Riverdale)

A: For those who would want to demonize human cloning, this was too good to be true.
Q: How would you characterize the news that Kathie Lee Gifford has a long-lost twin? (David Kleinbard, Silver Spring)

A: All but three of those schools now have walls.
Q: What was the highlight of Gen. Julius Becton's testimony before Congress regarding the repairs made to D.C. schools? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

A: Some officials say they believe the danger stems from the amount of alcohol that students drink.
Q: According to the results of a $ 2.8 million NIH study, what is the reason that many students get drunk on weekends? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

A: Clinton has publicly denied having a sexual relationship with Lewinsky or encouraging her to lie about it.
Q: What's the best evidence so far that Clinton had a sexual relationship with Lewinsky and encouraged her to lie about it? (Jacob Weinstein, Los Angeles)

A: A carefully scripted series of rocket firings over the next two days brought the shuttle to a point 600 feet directly below Mir a little less than one hour before docking.
Q: What might the second line be of a poem that starts: "The shuttle floated through the air like a loogie some giant was hocking." (Jacob Weinstein, Los Angeles)

A: We wave.
Q: What is our reaction when we are standing on land and see Pauly Shore drowning in shark-infested waters? (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

A: League sign-ups start Monday.
Q: Has Clinton-bashing become too much of a blood sport in Washington? (David Genser, Arlington)

And last:

A: This week's contest was suggested by Jacob Weinstein of Los Angeles, who is clearly a man of such vital and compelling genius that he is destined for immortality.
Q: What is a quote from The Washington Post that has been slightly edited for accuracy? (Jacob Weinstein, Los Angeles)

Next Week: It's a Pity