Week 254: Double Jeopardy!


Answer: "She is now in jail, charged with aggravated battery and domestic battery." Question: What happened to the woman who mugged the Energizer Bunny?

Answer: "A handkerchief edged in lace, resembling women's panties, to put in a man's breast pocket." Question: What would be a bad birthday present to get President Clinton?

This week's contest was suggested by Jacob Weinstein of Los Angeles, who wins the famous Mikhail Gorbachev squeak toy. Jacob proposes that you take any sentence appearing anywhere in today's Washington Post, and make up a question to which it could be a plausible answer. Please specify the story you are quoting. The examples above are taken from today's Ann Landers column. First-prize winner gets a package of unbelievably cheesy Super Bowl XXXII promotional crap put out by Hallmark Cards and sent to newspapers in the hopes it will garner them some nice publicity.

First runner-up gets the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 254, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Feb. 1. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The clock struck thirteen. Freedom is slavery. Love is hate. Genser wrote the ear. Next week: Ogden Nash ear credit. Employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 251, in which you were asked to change a famous quote by one letter, and reattribute it.

Seventh Runner-Up: "What foods these mortals be!" -- Jeffrey Dahmer (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Sixth Runner-Up: "Is that a pistol in your pocket, or are you just glad to see Mel?" -- Vanessa Perhach to Marv Albert (David Kleinbard, Silver Spring)

Fifth Runner-Up: "Hey Judge, don't make it bad." -- Terry Nichols (Jose Cortina, Centreville)

Fourth Runner-Up: "Some day my prince will cope." -- Queen Elizabeth (Bobbie Miller, Laytonsville)

Third Runner-Up: "Ruth is stranger than fiction." -- Barry Aron (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Second Runner-Up: "Slaughter is the best medicine." -- Saddam Hussein (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

First Runner-Up: "Don't give up the shiv!" -- O.J. Simpson (Anne V. Hamilton, Arlington)

And the winner of the Ike and Mamie commemorative plate:

"Here's looking at your kid." -- Michael Jackson (Meredith Robinson, Springfield)

Honorable Mentions:

"What am I, chopped lover?" -- John Bobbitt (Dudley Thompson, Silver Spring)

"Wife's a bitch and then you die." -- Harry Helmsley (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)

"All me are created equal." -- Dolly the sheep (David Genser, Arlington)

"Perception is realty." -- Donald Trump (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

"Nice guys finish vast." -- Chris Farley (David Genser, Arlington)

"Come up and sue me sometime." -- Bill Clinton (Joseph V. Truhe, Wheaton)

"Live long and proper." -- Miss Manners (Susan Reese, Arlington; Tim Vanover, Washington)

"I thank, therefore I am" -- Miss Manners (Tom Hamilton, Greenwood; Paul Laporte and Lee Mayer, Washington)

"You can make a silk purse out of a sow's ear." -- Heloise (Susan Reese, Arlington)

"Genius is 1 percent inspiration and 97 percent perspiration." -- Dan Quayle (David Genser, Arlington)

"If you don't got it, you don't get it." -- Marla Maples (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church)

"Two heads are better than none." -- Marie Antoinette and Louis XVI (Murray Claytor, Garrett Park)

"I cannot sell a lie." -- Seymour Hersh (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

"Take the money and rub." -- Heidi Fleiss (Sarah Worcester, Bowie)

"Keep on tucking" -- Loni Anderson (Jeff Newman, Hollywood)

"Id shall return." -- Sigmund Freud (Kelli Midgley Biggs, Columbia)

"There's no U in 'team.'" -- P.J. Carlesimo to Latrell Sprewell (Dave Ferry, Leesburg)

"Anybody who hates children and DOS can't be all bad." -- Steve Jobs (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

"A wind is a terrible thing to waste." -- Steve Fossett, would-be balloonist (Bella Stander, Charlottesville)

"The reports of my depth are greatly exaggerated." -- Dan Quayle (Steven Liu, Charlottesville)

"E=mx2" -- David Twenhafel. See, this is funny because C in the original equation denotes a constant, whereas x is the quintessential variable! (Jessica Henig, Takoma Park)

"We are not abused." -- The Menendez brothers (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

"Coke up and see me sometime." -- Marion Barry (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

"I made him an offer he couldn't defuse." -- Ted Kaczynski (Larry Kessner, Bethesda; Jessica Steinhice Mathews, Arlington)

"Dad as I wanna be." -- Cecil Jacobson (Mike Genz, La Plata)

"Old soldiers never diet." -- Norman Schwarzkopf (Bobbie Miller, Laytonsville; D.J. Donegan, Annapolis)

"Marry in haste, repeat at leisure." -- Larry King (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

"The poop will always be with us." -- Chuck Smith (David Genser, Arlington; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

"I smell a brat." -- The McCaugheys (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

"My kingdom for horse." -- Robert Downey Jr. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

"Every clod has a silver lining." -- Mrs. Bill Gates (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

And Last:

"You gotta have Hart." -- Style Invitational Czar (Saul Rosen, Rockville)

Next Week: Make Your Movie