WEEK 242: SACRED COW PIES


The Girl Scouts? If Safeway charged $5 for a box of 6 cookies, they'd be
nailed by the FTC.

This Week's contest was inspired by several letters we have recently
received complaining that we take cheap shots at easy targets like West
Virginians and the D.C. government. So this week we invite you to take
cheap shots at sacred institutions only, places and things that are so
noble and wholesome that they are beyond reproach. You may choose from
among these: Motherhood, Apple Pie, God, Love of the United States of
America, Ethnic Diversity, Trick-or-Treating, Marital Fidelity, the Girl
Scouts, the United Way, Lou Gehrig, "It's a Wonderful Life" and The
Washington Post. Your cheap shot must be accomplished in 75 words or
fewer. First-prize winner gets a framed original painting on black
velvet. It depicts a matador either fighting a bull or urinating on it.
We asked Washington Post art critic Paul Richard to come up with the most
complimentary possible one-word review of this work of art. He said
`Bull.' Anyway, it is worth $49.49, the price that is penciled on the
back of the frame.

Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's
T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style
Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of
humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week
242, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071,
fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address:
losers@access.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number
in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday,
Nov.10. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be
announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter
entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary.
Correction: Because of a typographical error, last week's fine print
neglected to indicate in which literary style this week's Ear Credit
would be written. The credit for the ear, which was written by John
Kammer of Herndon, Virginia, is written in the straight-ahead, humorless
style of the Washington Post Page Two Correction Box. The Washington Post
regrets the error. Next week: Chaucerian Ear Credit. Employees of the
Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not
eligible for prizes.

REPORT FROM WEEK 239, in which we asked you to write captions for cartoons we had, but did not
show you.

The results are astonishing. We cannot explain them, except to
note that there were thousands of entries, including hundreds of funny
ones that did not fit the cartoons at all and were therefore discarded.
We need to emphasize that Bob Staake drew and faxed in these seven
cartoons before the contest was announced; we have the dated fax (Oct. 8)
to prove it. The czar kept the drawings in a locked office, and no other
actual living sentient human being saw them prior to the publication
deadline. Unlike most weeks, we have done no editing of the entries at
all: These are exactly as they came in. (We did feel free to decide which
entry applied to which cartoon.)

Third Runner Up -- Cartoon C:

Gina had always thought that "mother lode" meant something else. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Second Runner-Up -- Cartoon F:

Take Our Anacondas to Work Day turned out to be a bit of a disaster.
(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

First Runner-Up -- Cartoon A:

The virility token worked, but unfortunately Karl was a shepherd. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

And the winner of the shark fetus -- Cartoon E:

My Psychic Telephone Pal foretold that this would be a cartoon of a
prairie dog coughing up a pastrami sandwich. Please send me the grand
prize right away. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Honorable Mentions:

Cartoon A:

Eddie wasn't entirely disappointed with the results of his "personals"
ad. (Al Samples, Columbia)

Everything really does taste better outdoors. (Russ Beland, Springfield)

Cartoon B:

Improperly flung tuna can lead to back woes. (J.S. Raffensparger, Laurel)

Double dating with Marv, are we? (Philip Delduke, Bethesda)

James failed to read the fine print on the canned tuna revealing that
some people eating this product may develop an appearance of a giant
fish. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)

Cartoon C:

Donald Graham, at left, speaking at the American University Journalism
forum, decries sloppy journalism, such as pictures and captions that
don't match. (Mike Genz, La Plata)

Despite having no feet, Pat "got around." (Russ Beland, Springfield)

Cartoon D:

There is cross-dressing, and there is cross-dressing with panache.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

The new "Annie II" definitely seemed to lack something. (Chuck Smith,
Woodbridge)

Cartoon E:

This cartoon differs from Cartoon B in at least five ways. Can you find
them? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Another reason to cover your mouth when you cough. (Russell Beland,
Springfield)

Cartoon F:

"Gee," thought Roger. "The caption to this cartoon sure sucks." (Jonathan
Paul, Garrett Park)

Staake was fired immediately after the editor discovered the enormous
penis concealed in this sketch. (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.)

Cartoon G:

It was one more sign to Henry that it was not going to be an amicable
divorce. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

It was the same old terrifying nightmare, but at least he wasn't naked
this time. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

At his therapist's suggestion, Bill Weld acts out his feelings toward
Jesse Helms. (David Genser, Arlington)

The IRS gets tough on another late filer. (David Genser, Arlington)

Norm had been warned of the reputation of this new dentist and thus had
prepared by placing a full set of false dentures in his mouth before the
visit. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)

Next Week: Adding Insult