Week 229: We Can't Hear You


1. Things you don't want to hear as you awaken from surgery:

2. Things you don't want to hear after you bought your new house:

3. Things you don't want to hear in your place of worship:

4. Things you don't want to hear after you get married:

5. Things you don't want to hear at your child's parent-teacher conference:

This week's contest: Supply an example for any of the five categories above. Quotes only. First-prize winner gets an original, vintage 33 rpm original-cast soundtrack of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show," a famously famous cult camp classic that is nestled in your memory as an irreplaceable cultural touchstone until you see it again, fully adult, sober and realize it was a pile of poo. It is worth $ 20.

Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 229, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, Aug. 11. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. Terse Ear Credit: Tom Witte, Gaithersburg. Next Week: Victorian Romance Ear Credit. Employees of the Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 226, in which you were asked to complete a sentence roughly fitting into the template "An A without B is like a C without D."

* Third Runner-Up: Congress without Sonny Bono would be like rock-and-roll without Sonny Bono. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

* Second Runner-Up: "The Wizard of Oz" without the allegedly matching Pink Floyd CD is like "Casablanca" without Smell-O-Vision. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

* First Runner-Up: David Copperfield without Claudia Schiffer is like a man without a beard without a beard. (Joseph H. Sisk, Arlington)

* And the winner of Phil Gramm's head on a pole:

Having a meal without wine is like having a dream in which you are Jean-Paul Sartre having a meal without wine. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

* Honorable Mentions:

The Redskins without Heath Shuler are like the Beatles without Gary Lewis. (Jose Cortina, Centreville)

The comics page without a bridge section is like pizza without drywall nails. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

The Post without its sissified puns is like the Middle Ages without the plague. (Jim Day, Gaithersburg)

The D.C. government worrying about being without a recycling program is like Odysseus worrying if he sailed without sunscreen.

(Russ Beland, Springfield)

An evening of the Captain without Tennille is like being buried up to your neck in an insect-infested jungle without having a bucket of molasses poured over your head.

(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

A president without a vice president is like a president with a vice president.

(John W. Myrna, Silver Spring)

A celebrity rock band without Bruce Willis is like a rare Chippendale table without someone's name carved into the top.

(Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

A body without a tattoo is like a foot without a bullethole. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie)

A Playboy magazine without the nude women is like Ripple without alcohol. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

A politician without a conscience is like a billiard ball without a mustache.

(Stephen Halter, Herndon)

Political talk shows without "The McLaughlin Group" are like a bottle of wine without a screw top. (Nicolin Girmes, Blacksburg; Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bigger fish to cook for and satisfy sexually. (Ned Bent, Herndon)

A man without a woman is like a jellyfish without the peanut butter. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

A woman without a man is like a symphony orchestra without the tambourine player.

(Edna Babbitt, Chicago)

A good joke without its explanation is like sex without trying to have a baby. Get it? I'm trying to get more credit with the same joke I used months ago! (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg)

The Style Invitational without David Twenhafel is like "Spargi d'amaro pianto" from Act 2, Scene 2, of "Lucia di Lammermoor" without Callas! (Scott Douglas, Washington)

Next Week: Wild Pitches