Week 217: NO QUESTION ABOUT IT
If there is a God, and if He is a loving God, why does He allow bad things to happen, like, you know, when you hiccup that sour stuff and it tastes all yucky?
Why is the sky sort of greenish orange, or is that just me?
What is the sound of two hands clapping?
This Week's Contest was suggested by Jonathan Paul of Garrett Park, who wins a rubber housefly that swells to the size of a baseball when you drop it in water. Jonathan says his teachers always told him there were no stupid questions, but he suspects this advice was wrong. Come up with truly stupid questions. And please spare us the ones about Grant's Tomb and why you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway, okay? We are looking for originality. First-prize winner gets one of our all-time great prizes, a pink latex doctors' demonstration model of the prostate gland. It has a realistic feel, showing one normal prostate and five diseased ones (the worst being the gland with a "massive neoplastic involvement" -- it feels like a beanbag filled with molars and candy corn). We think it is worth $ 75.
Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 217, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, May 19. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank David Genser of Vienna for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of the Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are not eligible for prizes.
Report from Week 214, in which we asked you to write "Jeopardy!" questions for any of a dozen answers we supplied.
Fourth Runner-Up --
Answer: Dogbert, but not Beau, the Seeing Eye dog
Question: Who are you more likely to spot in Borders? (Laurie Burdett, Alexandria)
Third Runner-Up --
Answer: Chateau Lafite Buttafuoco
Question: What is a good example of Pinot Gigolo? (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
Second Runner-Up --
Answer: Chateau Lafite Buttafuoco
Question: What wine goes best with spring chicken? (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)
First Runner-Up --
Answer: Larry, Curly and Moses
Question: In the Bible, who are the Three Wise Guys? (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)
And the winner of the Martin Van Buren commemorative plate:
Answer: A Janet Reno Pez dispenser
Question: What is the slang name for an FBI service revolver? (Greg Arnold, Herndon)
Honorable Mentions:
Answer: "Consensual sex" between fourth-graders
What is the motivation to pass third grade in D.C.? (Penny Dash, Bethesda)
What does the tobacco industry contend is solely responsible for the rise in smoking among the country's youth? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
What was the third of Marion Barry's 1994 campaign promises, after "a gun in every hand" and "a chicken in every pothole"? (Sean M. McVeigh, Gaithersburg)
What really makes your own "dry spell" seem worse when you hear about it?
(Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg)
Answer: A fortnight in the Lincoln Bedroom
What is the traditional punishment for presidents who forget their anniversaries? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
Answer: IRS "tax browsers"
Who can just bite me, okay? (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg)
Answer: Herff n' Herff
What is the main ingredient in a White Russian roulette? (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)
The signature gag of what vaudeville team was "I just flew in from Saturn, and boy, is my fleshly container tired!" (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
Answer: Chateau Lafite Buttafuoco
What is the house wine at Nunzio's Taste of Newark? (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)
What is called the "date rape" wine?
(David Rauma, Bowie)
What is the perfect chaser for a Long Island Iced Teen? (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)
Answer: A traveling phlebotomist
How did O.J. explain the bloody glove? (Barry Blyveis, Columbia; Steve Fahey, Kensington)
Answer: Tiger Woods's nearest competitor
Who is reported to be signing a multi-hundred-dollar Nike contract? (Laurie Burdett, Alexandria)
Who is less famous than any member of the Supreme Court? (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg)
Who probably should just try wearing a dress and hitting from the red tees?
(David Genser, Arlington)
Answer: Larry, Curly and Moses
Name three guys who are not funny.
(Maja Keech, New Carrollton)
Who would be funnier than Larry, Shemp and Moses? (Dave Zarrow, Herndon)
Answer: Rack and Pinion toothpaste
What has been shown to be an effective decay-preventive dentifrice that can be of significant value when used in a conscientiously applied program of dental hygiene and conversion of rotary motion into rectilinear motion by means of a gear acting on a toothed bar? (Dudley Thompson, Silver Spring)
What is the worst invention since intermittent deodorant? (Tommy Litz, Bowie)
What do they use to clean the Jaws of Life? (Laurie Burdett, Alexandria)
Answer: A Janet Reno Pez dispenser.
What repeats over and over that there is simply no justification for giving out candy "at this time"? (Charlie Steinhice, Chattanooga)
What prop do elementary school teachers use to teach kids not to take candy from strangers? (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)
Answer: Dogbert, but not Beau, the Seeing Eye dog
Whose poop does not stink? (Douglas Bailey, Vernon, N.Y.)
Next Week: Son of a Pitch