Week 211: Give Us the Backs Off Your Shirts


This Week's Contest: This is the design for the front of the fourth Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. You design the back. It can be a slogan, a drawing, whatever, anything that captures the transcendent dignity of this contest. First-prize winner gets a pair of fine wooden crutches donated by the Style Invitational by Sandra Hull of Arlington, who recently injured an ankle but is now completely normal again, unless you count the fact that, judging from the size of these crutches, she is the approximate size of a Tickle Me Elmo doll.

Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 211, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312 or submit them via Internet to this address: losersaccess.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, April 7. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank John Kammer of Herndon for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 208, in which you were asked to come up with intriguing questions to be considered by President Clinton's commission on the moral and practical effects of cloning.

Many, many people asked if having sex with one's clone would render one blind. And many, many people told that stupid joke about making an "obscene clone fall," claiming it as their own.

Third Runner-Up: If the DNA from the bloody glove were cloned and produced a baby O.J. Simpson, then could we maybe get an actual guilty verdict? (Maureen Flaherty &

Russell W. Beland, Springfield)

Second Runner-Up: If we cloned Dolly Parton, would her clone be flat-chested? Bet it would. (Lisa Klisch, Denver)

First Runner-Up: If you cloned the Washington Bullets and had the two teams play each other, would both lose? And how many Chris Webbers would get hurt? (David Genser, Vienna)

And the winner of the Alarm Chicken: Are the pope and his clone both infallible? What if they disagree on something? (Joan Schloo, Rockville)

Honorable Mentions:

Could you clone Alan Greenspan, or would it have to be living tissue? (David Genser, Vienna)

If you cloned Henry IV would he be Henry V or Henry IV Jr. or, wait, Henry IV Part II?

(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park;

Shep Evans, Stockbridge, Mass.)

If the Hare Krishnas start cloning themselves, how will the rest of us find out? (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

If you cloned a prehistoric monster that destroyed Tokyo, wouldn't that be playing Godzilla? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Would it work if I binged and my clone purged? (Linda Evangelista, New York; Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

If Michael Jackson is cloned, is it against the law for him to play with himself as a child? (Michael Mancini, Falmouth, Mass.)

Do clones taste like chicken? (Niels Hoven, Silver Spring)

Would cloning cheapen and demean those Penthouse "twins" pictorials? (David Genser, Vienna)

Could a Cal Ripken clone continue "the streak"? (Chris Green, Washington;

Jessica Steinhice, Riverdale)

Would there be a market for genetic "factory seconds" and "irregulars"? (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

Should we clone Gen X'ers so there will be enough of them working to support Social Security when I retire? Yes. (David Genser, Vienna)

Would it be ethical to dig up the remains of our founding fathers, create clones from the bone cells, and place them in a theme park called Clonial Williamsburg? (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Is it true that if you clone yourself four times, one will be Chinese? (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

So, say I secretly cloned Bill Gates and raised the clone to trust me utterly and then I killed Bill Gates and replaced him with the clone and then had the clone make me his sole beneficiary and then I killed the clone. Would it be wrong to do this to Bill Gates? How about Robert Dornan? (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

If Larry King clones himself and interviews himself on his show, wouldn't that pretty much make nuclear war something we can all look forward to? (Robin D. Grove, Columbia)

Michael Jordan vs. Michael Jordan, one on one. (No question here, but man, just think about it.) (Dave George, Glendale, Calif.)

If my clone had a sex change operation, could I legally marry him? After all, he'd have an irresistible dry wit. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Would we want to keep a few ugly people around just, you know, for laughs?

(David Genser, Vienna)

Could they clone Al Gore, or would he have to be grafted? (Philip Delduke, Bethesda)

Some people might keep a clone of themselves in deep freeze, for organ transplants. How many Boris Yeltsins would be needed for an adequate supply of livers? (Edward P. Moser, Arlington)

If cloning becomes readily available, will the bottom drop out of the market for sperm donors? How am I supposed to pay the bills? (John Kammer, Herndon; Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Is it possible to make a clone of Kate Moss and then attach the two together to make a regular-size person? Sure, she'd have two heads, but that would still be way more normal.

(Susan Reese, Arlington)

And Last:

If I clone myself and send him down there to help you write colostomy jokes, may I please please have my life back? (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Next Week: We Need Some Seasoning